Lady T righteously strides into TEN Salon as a Woman On A Mission, and instructs all the employees to gather round. When everyone's assembled she opens with "I'm Tabatha... and I'm taking over!"...
..."Damn! Wasn't one crazy white lady enough?!?!?"...
T-girl ain't easing any of their fears as she explains that she's spending the next week at the salon because it belongs to her now, and that she's going to be changing everything. Even better, she tells them "at the end of this... some of you... may not have a job!" Cut to Miss My-Inch-Is-Better-Than-Your-Inch looking like her ass just exploded all over her panties. Tabatha reveals that she sent two clients to the salon that very day, dutifully trots them out, and then drops the bombshell that the three of them have been watching them all day! This causes much consternation!...
..."So that's what that giant camera crew was doing hovering all over the place today!"...
Tabatha Plant #2 comes forward and Tabatha explains how the girl had to fight with Miss My-Inch-Is-Better-Than-Your-Inch regarding the length she wanted taken off, and calls her out as having been wrong regarding the length. Miss MIIBTYI immediately starts to lose her shit...
...Tabatha often has this effect on people...
This only serves to infuriate Tabatha further as she wants to know why the girl is crying. After asking her three times and only getting whimpers in return the girl finally explains "I'm sorry, I feel bad..." and Lady T goes right for the throat as she says "You should feel bad!" Privately she interviews that she hates crying and had her tear ducts surgically removed. Okay, not really, but she does think it's useless and that all that energy should be channelled into something useful and productive... like working. Now, I don't know Miss MIIBTYI at all, but my psychic abilities give me the impression that she is a total CDH (Crier at the Drop of a Hat), and that it may be one of her Tools that Gets Her Out Of Shit. When it appears to have no effect on mighty Tabathighty she seems to stop as abruptly as she started, which would serve to support my totally off-the-cuff theory. Mmm-HMMM! *snap* *head roll*
Next, Tabatha Plant #1 is brought forth and Lady T excoriates Front Desk Queenella David for rudely cutting her off to answer the phone. Queenella David interviews "I'm feeling about 2 inches big!" (Well, if you go by Miss MIIBTYI's calculations then it's really 3 inches) "And what could I say? I mean, they had me on video! I totally fucked that one up!"
...this is the face of BUSTED ON THE JOB...
Well, at least he admits it instead of just going to pieces. Tabatha dismisses them as she prepares for...
THE INSPECTION
At the front desk, Tabatha is asking Queenella David to break it all down for her and he hauls out TEN Salon Manual #1 (the employee handbook), and then mentions that there are specific "protocols" for handling a Walk-In Client and pulls out TEN Salon Manual #2 (the front desk edition)... he goes on to say that they try to write a protocol for everything that happens or could happen. He says Kwanna's method of running the salon relies heavily on these protocols and scripts that they have to utilize. Sounds like crappy call-center work to me, not a hair salon. Maybe Kwanna used to work for AmEx or something.
Chatting with one of the stylists, she trots out TEN Salon Manual #3 (the stylists version) and proudly shows Tabatha all of the six inches worth of certificates that she has been awarded for having to prove to Kwanna that she can actually do hair. I bet they have little hearts and flowers on them and maybe a Hello Kitty puffy sticker or two.
Kwanna herself is puffy with pride as she explains that she manages through the TEN Salon & Spa Handbook, the Assistant Training Manual (which is TEN Salon & Spa University) and that as long as people follow the Handbook (that they signed off on, as she puts it), "everything's cool!"
..."I am not a micromanager... it even says so in Manual #4b, page 367, paragraph two, subsection 18!"...
Tabatha is less than impressed. "I've never seen so much bloody paper wasted in my whole entire life in this place!" she spits. Queenella David admits that everything they do is based off of The Handbook and that "nobody can remember all those scripts". But if you follow them, "everything's cool!", right?
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Comments (11)
J-Mo;
A stellar recap, as always. I peed a little bit reading about Chris being the NEGATIVE $1,000,000 man! Classic!
I also can't help but wonder if Lady T wouldn't have kept the frosted glass wall if instead of it being circular, it had had been squircangle shaped? Just saying.
Here's to a new season with a new reason to love Bravo! Keep up the good work (and try to get more rest)!
1 of 11 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on August 25, 2008 6:22 PM
Hi-hi, (lol)
I loved the recap!
I wonder who's going to take over Tabatha's hair and make it over! But, I have to admit, she did a great job!
I thought Chris was a bit lazy guy.
I LOLed when Danny went to hug Lady T! and then, I LOLed again, reading your description!
Thanks for the good laughs!
Val
2 of 11 | Posted by detinha | Posted on August 25, 2008 7:24 PM
Haven't seen the show, but this was one of your best recaps ever. (Considering I'm straight and don't know squat about hairdressing, that says a lot.)
I was LOL about all that manual BS. Sounded like what so many of us have to (uselessly) endure in large companies.
3 of 11 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on August 26, 2008 10:05 AM
Loved the recap. So many laughs...The Lady T had her tear ducts surgically removed, so funny. And let's splurge and have mayo tonight..priceless.
Watching the show, I had a few problems with the "hidden camera footage" after seeing the "hidden cameras" and that it was filmed at eye level. Also, why Chris didn't get an actual job that pays real money so maybe they could have some Cheese Whiz with the mayo?
Lady T didn't disappoint with her jugular attacks and constructive bitchiness.
It always amazes me that totally clueless people make it so far in life before they self destruct.
Looking forward to more recaps.
4 of 11 | Posted by skies | Posted on August 26, 2008 10:29 AM
J-Mo, you are once again to blame for enticing me to watch yet another show. I never would have watched Shear Genius without you and yes, now I'm going to set the DVR to watch this one. You are just toooo danged funny!
It sounds like you've had a lot of experience with bosses like this. Poor thing! I've had one other micromanager and I just HATED it; now I have another. I spend half my day just trying to avoid her. Ugh. I always feel more successful when managers treat me like a competent professional, but now I'm stuck with this controlling beotch who clearly doesn't trust any of her employees -- except the uber suckups.
Thanks for the laughs -- I need them!
5 of 11 | Posted by zbird | Posted on August 26, 2008 3:25 PM
Hi J-Mo!! Laughing my arse off on my lunch break and trying to figure out how to e-mail this to my micromanaging macrobitch of a superviser without getting caught. Ah, well, I guess it's just a pleasant dream, and it's not like she'd recognize herself anyway. Keep up the funny recaps!!
6 of 11 | Posted by faatcaat | Posted on August 27, 2008 1:27 PM
I haven't even finished the recap yet, I just had to say THANK YOU for getting me hooked on the genius that is Shear Genius and the hilarity that is Bitchy Charlie. Thanks to TiVo and Bravo's new show lineup I won't have to worry about those pesky hours of downtime for MONTHS.
Tabitha is awesome. I love her. I want one. Clearly if I had a Tabitha my life would be in perfect order. Or at least my hair would be.
Kwanna was priceless and her ginger-giant of a husband was pretty funny too. Most hilarious of all though, as usual, was the recap.
Thanks for making my 9 to 5 fly by so I can rush home and, well, watch the shows I read about all day.
7 of 11 | Posted by Nemesiis | Posted on August 27, 2008 1:31 PM
as always, J-mo, thank you for your thorough recaps!!! Don't know if I'll watch, but I'll be reading! I do work in Burbank, so maybe I"ll try and catch that one . . . I'll let you know what I discover . . . XOXO
8 of 11 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on August 27, 2008 2:14 PM
hahahahaha loved it. this show is just like kitchen nightmares and it kills me. i will have to start saying "your inch is different from my inch" now as much as possible in everyday conversation. thanks for the laughs, jmo xo
9 of 11 | Posted by flipit | Posted on August 27, 2008 3:54 PM
"Because circles are a hard-ass idea to come up with."
lmao jmo I LOVE YOU. here is why:
1. tabatha was my favorite too and the combination of tabatha's snarkiness layered by yours is like chocolate hazelnut spread. on a hot guy.
2. every time you say "snap, head roll" i think of marie antoinette, the ultimate queen.
just as an fyi, i'm gonna have to tvgasm-stalk you and watch/read everything you recap. kthxbye.
xoxoxoxoxox let's stalk tabatha next and ask if we can be her bitchettes.
10 of 11 | Posted by mrsdaddytom | Posted on August 28, 2008 12:50 PM
arizonatom... thank you, you are so sweet!.. and the world needs more squircangles!
detinha... thanks for your kind compliments as always, and I agree, Chris is a douche!
fire@will... Wow, that's a really great compliment, thank you... and don't worry, I'm gay and I don't know a damn thing about hairdressing, either!
skies... yeah, that "hidden-camera" bullshit was pretty stupid, but still, it was a great show! Thanks for the kudos!
zbird... sorry to get you hooked on more silly reality TV shows, but this one is a gem I think... glad to have you along for the ride!
faatcaat... oh my, I've never helped anyone's arse come off before... I'll take that as a compliment... and I loved "micromanaging macrobitch", that's pretty damn clever! Thanks for reading!
Nemesiis... I'm happy to make the work day go by faster, just DON'T get caught and DON'T get fired! I agree, every home should have a Tabatha... and maybe at work, too!
juddfan... stay away from the Burbank salon featured next episode (recap to follow). No cute guys there anyhow! And thanks for your support as always!
flipit... hey, I've got an idea... let's compare inches sometime, okay? It'll be fun, and perhaps soon we'll be show sisters! Thanks for the love!
mrsdaddytom... OMG I LOVE chocolate hazelnut spread on a hot guy! You read my mind! You are so sweet, and you know where to find my writings here, cuz I'm doing "Top Design" starting next week! P.S. I think the world needs more of Tabatha & The Bitch-ettes!
love, J-Mo :)
11 of 11 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on August 30, 2008 4:44 PM