Next Tabatha is confounded by the design of the TEN Salon & Spa, as they basically have a giant circular translucent glass wall that separates the lobby and the offices from where the actual haircutting and styling and coloring takes place. Tabatha thinks it's a stupid design, but Kwanna says she worked really hard with a designer on it. Because circles are a hard-ass idea to come up with.
Moving on, it turns out the coffee they have in the lobby area is about as fresh as a street-ho's puss around 5:30am, and the hotplate is barely even warm (Tabatha puts her hand directly on it to prove this... but honestly, if she's from Matrix-World like I believe she is, would she even feel that?).
Back to the odd circle design, Lady T wants to know how much money they've spent turning the giant space of their building into one of those little hand-held rat-maze-puzzles with the steel ball that my mom used to give me on long car trips (along with a benadryl) to shut me up. Kwanna says (with total candor and the air of someone who really has never been responsible for actually writing the checks or worrying about money) that they've dumped over half a million dollars into TEN Salon & Spa... Chris quickly corrects her that it's really more like three-quarters of a million. Tabatha says the place is gray and drab and lifeless, and she can't see even a piddly $150,000.00 being spent in there. It does seem like Kwanna has an Unnatural Taupe Fixation. Also, the bare walls kinda remind me of the Consolidated Offices in "Nine To Five" where Dabney Coleman's asshole manager character won't let any of his employees put up anything personal in their space... "we mustn't look cluttered or sloppy" as Mr. Hart says...
Tabatha points out to Kwanna & Chris that they've sunk their whole lives into this place, and they could lose everything, and that it's "not pretty". This prompts Kwanna to cry a whole bunch more and say that she wants to give up. Jeez, this lady has no business running a business, it's quite clear that she's way in over her head. Tabatha bids them goodnight and staggers off with her arms full of TEN Salon & Spa Manuals, Protocols & Scripts.
It's the next morning and Tabatha's back at TEN Salon with Kwanna & Chris, plops the stack of manuals down and says she doesn't know of many major corporations that have as much paperwork as their little salon has. Kwanna immediately says she disagrees with her, but Lady T will not be disagreed with and insists that hair stylists "do not want to be caught up in all this bullshit!" Kwanna looks like Tabatha just gutted a newborn in front of her.
...I think Tabatha would really like to smack Kwanna...
Lady T goes on to ask how many staff members they've gone through in the 2 years they've been open, and Chris answers "75 to 80". Tabatha privately interviews that she can't believe they have gone through so many people in just two years, but then stops herself and says "Well, yes I can... I've read the manual!" In asking after Chris and Kwanna's formal business plan (you mean they had one?) Kwanna says they need to make at least $2500.00 per day on average to turn a profit. The reality is they're only pulling in between $1700.00 to $2000.00 daily. T-girl asks how long they think they can keep going at this rate, and Kwanna says technically they could be out tomorrow because they're $50,000.00 behind in their rent! I'm thinking that the next "eviction notice" from their landlords is gonna look something like a chain and padlock on their front door... Jeezus, pleezus!
Chris then sinks right down to PatheticVille as he says they're left with about $6 to $7 per day to spend on food. For the two of them. Tabatha says her dog food costs more than that and Kwanna offers to "break it down" for her, saying that they buy giant bags of beans and rice and tuna and I'm calling bullshit, these people are well-dressed, they're clean, and neither looks in the least malnourished... you can't tell me they're surviving off of a handful of Cap'n Crunch and a Kraft single every day...
..."Sometimes we splurge and have mayonaisse for dinner..."...
Tabatha decides she needs to get together with the salon employees WITHOUT Kwanna and Chris hovering and glaring at everyone, so she calls a...
STAFF MEETING
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Comments (11)
J-Mo;
A stellar recap, as always. I peed a little bit reading about Chris being the NEGATIVE $1,000,000 man! Classic!
I also can't help but wonder if Lady T wouldn't have kept the frosted glass wall if instead of it being circular, it had had been squircangle shaped? Just saying.
Here's to a new season with a new reason to love Bravo! Keep up the good work (and try to get more rest)!
1 of 11 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on August 25, 2008 6:22 PM
Hi-hi, (lol)
I loved the recap!
I wonder who's going to take over Tabatha's hair and make it over! But, I have to admit, she did a great job!
I thought Chris was a bit lazy guy.
I LOLed when Danny went to hug Lady T! and then, I LOLed again, reading your description!
Thanks for the good laughs!
Val
2 of 11 | Posted by detinha | Posted on August 25, 2008 7:24 PM
Haven't seen the show, but this was one of your best recaps ever. (Considering I'm straight and don't know squat about hairdressing, that says a lot.)
I was LOL about all that manual BS. Sounded like what so many of us have to (uselessly) endure in large companies.
3 of 11 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on August 26, 2008 10:05 AM
Loved the recap. So many laughs...The Lady T had her tear ducts surgically removed, so funny. And let's splurge and have mayo tonight..priceless.
Watching the show, I had a few problems with the "hidden camera footage" after seeing the "hidden cameras" and that it was filmed at eye level. Also, why Chris didn't get an actual job that pays real money so maybe they could have some Cheese Whiz with the mayo?
Lady T didn't disappoint with her jugular attacks and constructive bitchiness.
It always amazes me that totally clueless people make it so far in life before they self destruct.
Looking forward to more recaps.
4 of 11 | Posted by skies | Posted on August 26, 2008 10:29 AM
J-Mo, you are once again to blame for enticing me to watch yet another show. I never would have watched Shear Genius without you and yes, now I'm going to set the DVR to watch this one. You are just toooo danged funny!
It sounds like you've had a lot of experience with bosses like this. Poor thing! I've had one other micromanager and I just HATED it; now I have another. I spend half my day just trying to avoid her. Ugh. I always feel more successful when managers treat me like a competent professional, but now I'm stuck with this controlling beotch who clearly doesn't trust any of her employees -- except the uber suckups.
Thanks for the laughs -- I need them!
5 of 11 | Posted by zbird | Posted on August 26, 2008 3:25 PM
Hi J-Mo!! Laughing my arse off on my lunch break and trying to figure out how to e-mail this to my micromanaging macrobitch of a superviser without getting caught. Ah, well, I guess it's just a pleasant dream, and it's not like she'd recognize herself anyway. Keep up the funny recaps!!
6 of 11 | Posted by faatcaat | Posted on August 27, 2008 1:27 PM
I haven't even finished the recap yet, I just had to say THANK YOU for getting me hooked on the genius that is Shear Genius and the hilarity that is Bitchy Charlie. Thanks to TiVo and Bravo's new show lineup I won't have to worry about those pesky hours of downtime for MONTHS.
Tabitha is awesome. I love her. I want one. Clearly if I had a Tabitha my life would be in perfect order. Or at least my hair would be.
Kwanna was priceless and her ginger-giant of a husband was pretty funny too. Most hilarious of all though, as usual, was the recap.
Thanks for making my 9 to 5 fly by so I can rush home and, well, watch the shows I read about all day.
7 of 11 | Posted by Nemesiis | Posted on August 27, 2008 1:31 PM
as always, J-mo, thank you for your thorough recaps!!! Don't know if I'll watch, but I'll be reading! I do work in Burbank, so maybe I"ll try and catch that one . . . I'll let you know what I discover . . . XOXO
8 of 11 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on August 27, 2008 2:14 PM
hahahahaha loved it. this show is just like kitchen nightmares and it kills me. i will have to start saying "your inch is different from my inch" now as much as possible in everyday conversation. thanks for the laughs, jmo xo
9 of 11 | Posted by flipit | Posted on August 27, 2008 3:54 PM
"Because circles are a hard-ass idea to come up with."
lmao jmo I LOVE YOU. here is why:
1. tabatha was my favorite too and the combination of tabatha's snarkiness layered by yours is like chocolate hazelnut spread. on a hot guy.
2. every time you say "snap, head roll" i think of marie antoinette, the ultimate queen.
just as an fyi, i'm gonna have to tvgasm-stalk you and watch/read everything you recap. kthxbye.
xoxoxoxoxox let's stalk tabatha next and ask if we can be her bitchettes.
10 of 11 | Posted by mrsdaddytom | Posted on August 28, 2008 12:50 PM
arizonatom... thank you, you are so sweet!.. and the world needs more squircangles!
detinha... thanks for your kind compliments as always, and I agree, Chris is a douche!
fire@will... Wow, that's a really great compliment, thank you... and don't worry, I'm gay and I don't know a damn thing about hairdressing, either!
skies... yeah, that "hidden-camera" bullshit was pretty stupid, but still, it was a great show! Thanks for the kudos!
zbird... sorry to get you hooked on more silly reality TV shows, but this one is a gem I think... glad to have you along for the ride!
faatcaat... oh my, I've never helped anyone's arse come off before... I'll take that as a compliment... and I loved "micromanaging macrobitch", that's pretty damn clever! Thanks for reading!
Nemesiis... I'm happy to make the work day go by faster, just DON'T get caught and DON'T get fired! I agree, every home should have a Tabatha... and maybe at work, too!
juddfan... stay away from the Burbank salon featured next episode (recap to follow). No cute guys there anyhow! And thanks for your support as always!
flipit... hey, I've got an idea... let's compare inches sometime, okay? It'll be fun, and perhaps soon we'll be show sisters! Thanks for the love!
mrsdaddytom... OMG I LOVE chocolate hazelnut spread on a hot guy! You read my mind! You are so sweet, and you know where to find my writings here, cuz I'm doing "Top Design" starting next week! P.S. I think the world needs more of Tabatha & The Bitch-ettes!
love, J-Mo :)
11 of 11 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on August 30, 2008 4:44 PM