Tabatha's Salon Takeover: Third Shithole from the Sun

After 23 years in business, Eddie is facing hard times at Orbit Salon. Recession? No. Advent of root touch-up? No. A filthy hair trap staffed by self absorbed workers? Bingo.

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Someone will be castrated.

Luckily one woman is on hand to fight the powers of laziness and apathy with only a perfect platinum coif and more leather than the Hell's Angels Annual Clam Bake. Tabatha Coffey has returned to Bravo for season two of Tabatha's Salon Takeover and Oz's true wicked witch has even less patience than ever.

Tabatha arrives at Orbit Salon in Chicago, Illinois and has immediately set up surveillance on the staff. In "Salon Undercover" we learn the Owner Eddie owns two salon and manages them both with little Finesse and has gotten himself up to his Head & Shoulders in debt. (I apologize for the shampoo puns, but they're fun.) He estimates that he's $750K in debt and that he'll have to fold if there isn't a drastic change.

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I may not be a Suave owner, but I want No More Tears at my salon...

Joined by Tabatha they begin to review footage of Eddie's handpicked, ehem "hand-me-down" crew. First caught on camera is Salon Manager Andrea, who is tending to her own hair during work hours. In fact, a client is left unattended, while she continue to stress her over-processed mane...and conduct a mental review of the next sister act for The Lawrence Welk Show...

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Gettin'...

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pretty?

Tabatha asks Eddie if this is the standard he wants set in the salon. I don't know if she's referring to Andrea's hair or her behavior, either way Eddie and I agree... no, that's pretty bad.

Next on Tabatha's hit list is the faux-hawked "Artistic Director" and head stylist, Bobby. Bobby is applying color to a client and is slopping the color down her face. And as Manic Panic has taught many girls and boys of my generation, if you get Fuchsia Shock on your face, Fuchsia Shock stays on your face.

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I made it extra sloppy for ya...

Not that Bobby would neglect to clean up the client after color application, because nothing says "high-end salon experience" like a stranger working your face with turpentine, spit and a Q-Tip...

In the next scene a client asks to use the salon's bathroom. Apparently, Orbit Salon is equipped with a barely opaque shower stall/bathroom, centered in the middle of the cutting floor. Naturally the client is hesitant. No worries, they have another bathroom available in the basement, past all the salon stock and Sloth's room, there's another pit that would put Rutgers' frat houses to shame.

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This woman is going to need the roofie first...

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Tabatha is impressed.

Tabatha turns to Eddie for answers and all he can muster is that his business is a dump and his staff is a hodgepodge of hand-me-downs. Wow Eddie, any chance YOU many have the power to do something about that? Ask the boss, go have discussion with him in the Aqua Net flaked mirror in your centrally located Port-A-Potty.

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You suck.

Tabatha is ready to address the staff. She announces that she's cancelled all the appointments for the week and that they have a lot of work ahead of them. She begins to pick through the staff members and hones in on Bobby first. She wants him to account for the sloppy color work on a client. Bobby says that he would have cleaned her face later.

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Deer in headlights defense...

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I think he lost the arguement.

Andrea has no excuse for making clients watch her straighten her hair. The whole group is lectured for being pigs. No one looks like they've cleaned up after themselves ever. There's hair caked to the floor and walls, the tile it looks like it's been grouted in hair... it's gross.

In the group, one bronzed Tammy Faye disciple is smirking while Tabatha is berating the staff. Lash extension addict Lindsay says she's just nervous, and it's a nervous giggle. Since Tabatha has never in her life experienced a giggle, she doesn't seem to be buying her excuses.

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Nice try.

Tabatha now insists that the staff take her on a tour of the salon. Beginning at reception Tabatha calls them out on stray hair everywhere. The product section, aside from being overrun with boxes of unloaded merchandise, is covered in dust...

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...oh yeah, and used.

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ewww...

Why don't they just relocate the salon to a litter box? It would have the same aroma and be easier to clean...

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Comments (4)

narf:

loved the shampoo puns, made me laugh out loud. Lindsey needs to find another line of work. Tabatha did a great job directing the clean up of Orbit. Really enjoyed the recap!

viane slice:

Nice recap Medusa.

I never thought Tabatha was mean. She gives credit where credit is due and berates as necessary.

I thought that Lindsay person was insane. Do the producers purposely choose salons where they're sure someone will melt down?

roja:

Loved the re-cap, Medusa, esp. the puns.
Gotta love the puns.

Tabatha scares me. She looks a bit like an albino bunny.

comehomenow:

Finesse and has gotten himself up to his Head & Shoulders in debt.

GOLD.

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