Scott heads to see his agent about a new movie part he wants to audition for, which would require the ability to ride horses. Johnny Leftovers is sitting in the meeting with Scott and the agent. I'd say this seemed odd, but the truth is that it didn't. I guess that's one of the perks of being a five foot four, balding, 47 year old single man in a red argyle vest: No matter how ridiculous or inappropriate your actions are, they somehow come across as fitting. Johnny Leftovers chimes in with, "I can ride horses." Scott says Johnny has to go before he starts giving out the link to his Myspace page.

At this point I make a small wager with Manuel from Housewares. I have two theories. If either one of them proves to be true, I win. If both prove to be false, Manuel wins. The wager is as follows: I win, he plugs in the Westinghouse microwave and cooks my popcorn; he wins and I stop asking him to put his job on the line for the sake of my appetite. Here are my two theories: 1. Johnny Leftovers' horse riding abilities are attributable to being a stand in for Tobey McGuire in Sea biscuit. And 2. Johnny Leftovers actually DOES have a Myspace page. Wanna know who won? Click here. Mmmm...popcorn....

The first step on Scott's road to commitment is to visit a girl named Susie he dated in his twenties. Susie was the first woman Scott ever had real feelings for. But where can he find her number after all these years? Who would have kept it long after Scott was through with her? Johnny Leftovers, that's who. Is there a better feeling in the world than having a person live up to the obnoxious name you've given them behind their back? Possibly, but I doubt it.

On the car ride to Susie's house Scott decides he shouldn't show up empty handed, so he picks up some KFC to bring over. I can't speak for everyone, but I can't imagine anything more flattering than my college boyfriend showing up at my doorstep with a bucket of original recipe chicken. Why don't you just spray paint "FAT ASS" on my car and be done with it?

I remembered how much you like chicken, Susie...and you remember how much I like thighs, don't you?

Susie's daughter answers the door wearing weird sleeve things. They are red plaid long sleeves which are detached from the shirt they were once a part of. The sleeves are then paired with a completely different short sleeve shirt altogether. Perhaps this is a strange California trend with which I am unfamiliar. Perhaps Susie's daughter is attending the Britney Spears School of Atrociously Mismatched Clothing. I ponder the two possibilities for a moment while the kid hops around the kitchen like a bunny, and then decide that Susie's daughter is just one of those weird chubby kids. I suddenly feel sorry for Susie. First Scott Baio dumps her and then she winds up with a weird fatty for a daughter. Some people just have no luck.

We'll see this look on Scott later this season

Next, Scott has his second meeting with Doc Ali, who asks Scott about losing his virginity. Scott shocks us all by announcing that he lost his virginity to fellow Happy Days actress Erin Moran. (The Joanie to Scott's Chachi.) Doc Ali is almost speechless as Scott continues, "Yeah, Joanie really DID love Chachi- like I haven't heard THAT one before." Dammit, now I need a new joke.

I almost feel defeated when suddenly Scotts starts telling Doc Ali that when he lost his virginity to Erin, he spent the first 10 minutes accidentally humping the corduroy couch instead of Erin herself. Now listen, I've heard some pretty bad "losing your virginity" stories in my life. I think we all have. But it's a sad day in Terribletown when a young man mistakes a vagina for synthetic fibers (shaking head). 'Nuff said.

That's not iiiiit!!