I have to be totally honest, I don't even know where to start with this show. I feel like a cross between virgin on prom night and a dog who sat home alone all day whose master just came home to take me for a much needed walk. I'm all over the place with excitement and hope, and I quite possibly could pee on the floor. First off, it should be clarified that when they say Scott Baio is "single" they mean, "not married." I've seen things all over the internet where people are bitching and moaning that the show is fake because he actually has a girlfriend throughout filming. These whiners claim they are boycotting the show. Boycott my ass, I call all those bitches' bluffs and raise them 3 bags of Sears popcorn! Scott could have three wives, two children and a beagle on the side, and they'll still be sitting around watching it Sunday night just like I will.

Um...Not Single.

Enough venting, back to the point. Scott IS dating a girl. He's dating this blonde that kind of resembles Pamela Anderson, if Pam Anderson had a minor stroke, a major breast reduction and dinner. Scott seems to like her, but it's mostly because he thinks she has a "great can" and a "nice rack." Well, your priorities certainly seem to be lined up properly, Scotty. I can't imagine why you're not married. Despite the great can and rack, it seems Scott's womanizing past has left him at a place where he is emotionally incapable of the love and commitment it will take to get married to this girl. VH1, I mean Scott, has hired a "life coach" who is going to help whip him into shape and make him ready to walk the plank...er... aisle.

Hey, why not call an acting coach while you're at it?

Like most single guys, Scott has a posse. I guess in Scott's oh so Brooklyn case, we should call them his Goombas: Wayne, the older brother from The Wonder Years, who has a real name, but I don't remember what it is. It doesn't matter anyway because as far as the world is concerned, he is Wayne for the rest of his life. Then there are three other non-actors that Scott has known since he was young.

The Goombas. Are ya horny yet?

All the Goombas are five foot five inches tall and are either married or engaged, except for the main Goomba, Johnny. Johnny is five foot five like the rest of them, only Johnny is single. He appears to be in his late forties, and has been "chasing tail" with Scott for over twenty years. One look at this guy and you know he's gotten 99.8% of his ass based on his close association with "Charles" or "Chachi." And the other .2% of the ass came from his cousins. Scott refers to Johnny as his "wing man," but I think "Sloppy Fifths Man" sounds more accurate, so for the remainder of the season Johnny will be known to me as:

Johnny Leftovers

Johnny Leftovers doesn't want Scott to get married because "Scott's not ready." Translation: Johnny knows that with Scott off the market, he's is shit out of luck in the lady department and will wind up being "Johnny Left Hand". For now though, Johnny Leftovers is a sure thing with the "ugly friend" of every girl Scott screws, which happens to equal half of Hollywood. Pam Anderson, Denise Richards, Heather Locklear... he dated those girls like a hundred years ago, but who's counting?

I think the "screwed half of Hollywood" thing is supposed to impress us, but come on...taking into consideration that Scott was on television forever, and used to be cute once, on top of the fact that he appears to have surrounded himself with unattractive short people his entire life, it's not surprising that Scott's nailed so many women. The head Lollipop Kid probably banged all of Munchkin City, too. What I'm getting at is this: I'm not impressed. Want to impress me? Date a fat girl with a mole on her nose.