TVgasm Recaps

Think Charles is still in charge? Love Chachi as much as Joanie did? Have that fantasy where your ex-boyfriends come to your door to apologize for all their wrong doings and let you rip into them on national television? Then call VH1 and tell them they're miracle workers as I present you with Scott Baio...is 45...and Single!

Before we watch this season of Scott Baio is 45 and Single, Scott wants us to know that everything we're about to see for the next 8 weeks is real. Isn't that the disclaimer they flash on the screen at the beginning of Laguna Beach? Is this REALLY the preface VH1 wants to lead with? Do they really want to start drawing similarities between the relationships of Scott Baio and the staged breakups of Lauren Conrad's little sister?

What could a 45 year old man possibly have in common with a bunch of teenagers who have everything in life handed to them while they waste time goofing off and driving around in fancy cars thinking the world cares about where their lives are headed? (Cue scene of Scott Baio driving his Range Rover through California in an American Eagle t-shirt.) Oh, wait. Never mind...

I call BS. This cartoon is in his twenties.

Week three of Scott's Baio's leaf over-turning spectacle has approached us. That means Scott is just over one third of his way through the 8 week Doctor-
Ali-Settle-Down-Program. One third. One third of the way is a big deal if you ask me. One third of the way through rehab, Britney Spears had already signed in and out twice, and got herself a new boyfriend. One third of the way through my Friday evening and I'm already on my 4th stoli vanilla and diet coke, telling myself that these heels ARE worth this pain, and unsuccessfully trying to talk myself out of drunk dialing as I slur, "Guess who thiiiiiis iiiiiissss?.."

You see where I'm going with this. One third means progress. Well, except when we're talking about Scott Baio. One third of the way through the commitment version of what they politely refer to in elementary school as "special help", and where's Scott? He's in Palm Springs with Johnny Leftovers spending time with girls ONE THIRD his age. So much for progress. Don't know if you've heard, but Scott Baio is 45. And Single. Imagine that.

The other day I was with a friend of mine stealing quarters from sleeping homeless people's coffee cups in order to buy ourselves some Coldstone when he said, "As long as you're going to hell, answer this question: Can you name a worse sight than watching an obese person eat ice cream?" I pondered the question for a moment, and then, having worked in Baskin Robbins for two years in high school, got a flashback of the sense of disgust I got watching this one giant fat man who came into the store every single day 5 pounds heavier than the day before. Every single day he'd order a brownie sundae and leave with hot fudge all over his neck.

That's when it struck me: maybe I'm overly critical. Sure it's sort of fun to make jokes at other people's expense, but now look at me. I'm watching a TV show with the intention of picking people apart bit by bit. Have I gone too far? Am I the most critical individual in existence right now? A monster from which the world is not safe? I worried about this all weekend long until the opening of Episode Three where the Scott Baio cartoon announced publicly that he broke up with Denise Richards the instant she took her shoes off in front of him, because she had huge feet that looked like flippers. Phew... A bigger monster does exist. Hide the women and children!...Scott Baio is 45 and Single!

If only this girl was missing a tooth or two, she'd be perfect.

This week on Scott Baio is 45 and Single, Scott meets up with an attractive, southern 17 year girl in a skirt, and he doesn't even try to seduce her in any way. For a guy like Scott Baio, typically this constitutes somewhat of an accomplishment. It's like Whitney Houston turning down free cocaine. Actually, we can't give Scott that much credit, because the 17-year-old southerner was his girlfriend's daughter. And unless you're Woody Allen, such a relationship automatically muffles any impending desires. So it's more like Whitney Houston turning down dirty cocaine. Plus, Scott's into blondes and the daughter was a brunette. So really it's like Whitney turning down a sandwich. Big whoop.

When it comes to train wrecks like Whitney Houston and Scott Baio, even the smallest step towards acting like a human being deserves recognition. Congratulations Scott Baio! You didn't nail your soon to be daughter-in-law. Oh yeah, and you're still 45... and Single.

Whit, would you like a nice salad for lunch? OH HELL TO THE NO!

True Story: my brother, sister-in-law and three year old nephew are in town from the West Coast. I never see them, so I spent Sunday evening at my parents' house with my nephew playing what he calls "checks" because he can't yet grasp the difference between chess and checkers. When I started counting the "checks" pieces with him, he informed me that he had more pieces than I did because I only had six and he had five-teen. Fair enough. How could I argue with such logic? I figured I'd choose my battles wisely and save the confrontation for a half hour later when it came time for me to convince him to turn off the Power Rangers and watch Scott Baio is 45 and Single with me. Needless to say, it took some convincing. Luckily, after I extended a firm offer of ice cream and a new pair of sneakers and we exchanged some heated negotiation over the terms of velcro verses laces, he reluctantly agreed.

My nephew spent most of the show with a puzzled look on his face and I spent most of the show with my finger on the remote, hoping there were no stripper scenes this episode. At the end of the show, curiosity got the best of me, so I looked at my nephew and asked, "How old do you think Scott is?" He replied, "a hundred-teen." A number has never sounded more accurate.

Finally, Squiggy and Chaci are sharing a babe!

When I was ten, the first boyfriend I ever had dumped me at a roller skating rink. Without warning or reason, he sent a stranger over to me to tell me that he didn't want to be my boyfriend anymore and that I look like I have a zit between my shoulders. Stunned and confused as to where our love had gone wrong, I said to the anonymous messenger, "I don't understand." Misplacing the source of my confusion she replied, "Zit between your shoulders...like, your head. Duh." Then she rolled away. Moments later, as I left the roller rink with tears in my eyes and my keds in my hand, I caught a glimpse of my first ex boyfriend roller skating hand in hand with my best friend to the tune of Timmy T's "One More Try." Breaking up is hard to do. You should really get a fair warning. Look out Johnny Leftovers!... Scott Baio is 45... and Single.

It's not you, it's the hat.

Like all good things must, the trainwreck that is Scott Baio is 45...and Single has come to an end. And it was a predictable one. Scott grew up, learned his lessons, and is ready to finally settle down. A tremendous transition...all in 8 weeks time, courtesy of Doc Ali and a couple three year olds. I think it's only fair to thank the Lord for this valuabe time we've had with Scott.

Dear God, thank you for these past 8 weeks. Thank you for American Eagle and for warm-up pants. Thank you for Johnny Leftovers, and thank you for mud wrestling and cuddling munchkins. Thank you for bad bangs and worse stand-up. Thank you for angry bimbos, three year olds, and teenage daughters. Most of all God, thank you for Brooklyn. Amen.

Where it all started.

Ahh, Season 2... can you smell that? It's another ripe installment of lost dignity, loosely orchestrated comedy, and, if we're lucky, cameos from people we all collectively know as "That One Guy from That TV Show" or "That One Other Guy." Let's see if Scott really grows up this time 'round. Not holding my breath.

Moving in sucks for everyone, but for Scott Baio, it's like showering in Auschwitz. To see Baio content would only be to see him sedentary for the rest of his life. Or dead.

Nice.

Sometimes, going back home can be a difficult thing to do -- revisiting old pals and family and pretending to give a shit can take a toll on anyone. For Chachi, it's all of the above mixed in a canole dish of VH1-served Brooklyn stereotypes.

Way better than an Emmy.

As Joanie prepares for her baby shower just days before she pops, Chachi turns the event into another opportunity to be without her by going to Vegas for a "Man Shower" with DA GUYS. If you hate people repeatedly saying, "VEGAS, BABY, VEGAS," then you probably don't want to skip this jump.

"We've created a monster."

Nina Simone once sang "It's a new dawn / it's a new day / it's a new life for me," but Scott Baio had never heard of her. Anyway, in today's episode of Regarding Chachi, the baby finally pops out and before all the birthing chaos happens, we see Chachi breakdown for the umptillionth time and even go cold turkey in education. Bust out whatever paraphernalia you've got laying around - this is a motherfucking ONE-HOUR EDITION!!!

"Listen, kid -- you ruin my life anymore and I'll turn into Alec Baldwin."