Nina Simone once sang "It's a new dawn / it's a new day / it's a new life for me," but Scott Baio had never heard of her. Anyway, in today's episode of Regarding Chachi, the baby finally pops out and before all the birthing chaos happens, we see Chachi breakdown for the umptillionth time and even go cold turkey in education. Bust out whatever paraphernalia you've got laying around - this is a motherfucking ONE-HOUR EDITION!!!
"Listen, kid -- you ruin my life anymore and I'll turn into Alec Baldwin."
Joanie and Chachi first head off to the hospital to see a tour of the baby facilities. Like Chachi said, he wanted to see the place his baby's life would start, and the place where his life would end. Oh, paternal sentiment!
"HEY. BAIO. YOU. ME. FLAGPOLE. NOW."
At the baby-viewing wing, where there's a bunch of babies lined up like those energy sucking placentas in The Matrix, Chachi continues his bitchfest of Whiny Bitch Dad proportions. Chachi asks, "Why do the babies have those suction things on their noses?!?!"
BECAUSE BABIES DON'T WANT TO SUFFOCATE ON THEIR FUCKING SNOT, SCOTT. THAT'S WHY.
It's like this guy's never seen or even heard of a baby. It's no wonder that he didn't get the part in Children of Men:
JULIANNE MOORE'S LAME-ASS ACTIVIST CHARACTER: We must save and protect Kee! She's the first fertile human in over 25 years!!!
BAIO: ...So?
Upon viewing the pregnancy bed, Chachi reacts like me when I'm watching some stupid show called "Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant" by sitting down and putting his head between his legs and nearly puking. The doctor giving the tour brings Chachi a cup of cold water, but we really know that what this guy really needs a shot of Patron, an eightball of blow, and maybe Pat O'Brien's phonebook. This memorable meltdown was followed by a quick tour of the bathroom.
Scott, the cat's not in the cradle yet.
On their way out, Joanie and Chachi run into a couple who just had a kid down the hallway. Chachi starts interrogating the father by asking him if his life had changed. The obvious answer came, and Chachi added, "Do you get to golf anymore?"
"No," the new father answers, "I have to raise my child now."
Touche.
Gotta bring up something a few readers left in the comments section recently - first off, thanks for reading and putting in your two cents. Secondly, the fact that this is Joanie's SECOND child is a VERY interesting and invisible factor to this entire show.
In the series, we never see Joanie's first child. Hell, her first child isn't even mentioned, as if the kid never even existed. Was it a demon baby? Is the baby invisible? There's no way in hell she'd lose custody over a kid in court; she's too much of an oblivious dunderhead to put together a defensible argument. I'm putting all my chips in on invisible child.
Whatever; point is, Joanie and Chachi leave - Joanie with excitement, Chachi with the imminent and diminishing number of golf games in his future. Asshole.
Waukin' da mile!!!!
At the next Daddies To Be session, Moby opened class with another stupid graphic poster with a bunch of gross pictures of a pregnant couple having sex in different positions. The guys enrolled in the 0.25 unit course were totally shitting their pants in disgust, and they're suddenly flushed in imagery of what it must be like to have sex with a sweaty roast beef factory.
Yeah, I just said that.
In the name of the father, son, and holy Kinkos.
Chachi's not amused, but then again, the last thing that amused him was the Apollo 11 landing. At the obligatory "open up!" part, Black dude confesses to being scared of doing the nasty with his pregnant girly because he's scared his huge dong is going to hurt the baby.
*crickets*
White guy confesses that he actually likes pregnant sex. White guy probably also likes Hillary Duff, large vans without windows and responds to his dates who say "Thank you for dinner!" by saying, "Nothing's free" - but I'm just guessin'.
"Also, the Gaza strip is more stable than I am."
Oh, and nothing from Latino guy. I'm sure he alluded pregnant sex to a breakfast buffet of hot tamales and was unfairly edited out by the stick-up-their-asses brasses at VH1. Don't cry for him, Buenos Aires!!!
In the next class segment, Moby pulls out some more graphic poster boards with a bunch of birthing pictures to illustrate the poppin'-out process.
Puke-a-thon: All your gross are belong to us.
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Comments (8)
Hugo, we met Joanie's first daughter in "Scott Baio is 45 and Single".
"Unfortunately" for you, you must not have watched the first season of this show. Good job hanging in there. I feel a little dirty for saying this, but I still like Chachi.
1 of 8 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on February 27, 2008 5:10 AM
"Hipster doofus"....Seinfeld reference, of course!!
I hate Scott Baio everytime I watch this putrid show, and I'm even more stunned by how stupid Renee is to have such low standards in men. Urgh. However, it makes for excellent recaps, Hugo! Great job!
2 of 8 | Posted by TheGreatAndPowerfulShaz | Posted on February 27, 2008 11:44 AM
lol..."morons in maternity". Who won the bet?
3 of 8 | Posted by lemongurl | Posted on February 27, 2008 6:59 PM
weird. they didnt say who won! maybe in the next episode they'll tell us. oh, the anticipation!!!!
4 of 8 | Posted by hugostop | Posted on February 27, 2008 9:22 PM
Wayne Arnold won the bet. He was doing a happy dance to celebrate Renee going in for a c-section.
5 of 8 | Posted by gophergirl9 | Posted on February 28, 2008 2:57 PM
TheGreatAndPowerfulShaz:
""Hipster doofus"....Seinfeld reference, of course!!
I hate Scott Baio everytime I watch this putrid show, and I'm even more stunned by how stupid Renee is to have such low standards in men. Urgh. However, it makes for excellent recaps, Hugo! Great job! "
I find it humorous that you say you hate scott baio EVERY time you watch the show... stop watching it and that will solve ur problems moron
6 of 8 | Posted by MoeRN | Posted on February 29, 2008 2:53 PM
TheGreatAndPowerfulShaz:
""Hipster doofus"....Seinfeld reference, of course!!
I hate Scott Baio everytime I watch this putrid show, and I'm even more stunned by how stupid Renee is to have such low standards in men. Urgh. However, it makes for excellent recaps, Hugo! Great job! "
I find it humorous that you say you hate scott baio EVERY time you watch the show... stop watching it and that will solve ur problems moron
7 of 8 | Posted by MoeRN | Posted on February 29, 2008 2:56 PM
TheGreatAndPowerfulShaz:
""Hipster doofus"....Seinfeld reference, of course!!
I hate Scott Baio everytime I watch this putrid show, and I'm even more stunned by how stupid Renee is to have such low standards in men. Urgh. However, it makes for excellent recaps, Hugo! Great job! "
I find it humorous that you say you hate scott baio EVERY time you watch the show... stop watching it and that will solve ur problems moron
8 of 8 | Posted by MoeRN | Posted on February 29, 2008 2:57 PM