As Joanie prepares for her baby shower just days before she pops, Chachi turns the event into another opportunity to be without her by going to Vegas for a "Man Shower" with DA GUYS. If you hate people repeatedly saying, "VEGAS, BABY, VEGAS," then you probably don't want to skip this jump.
"We've created a monster."
Before the parties go underway, Joanie and Chachi head off to the clinic for the third trimester ultrasound scan.
VIRTUAL BABY
Chachi asks the technician what an episiotomy is, only to hear the answer make him gag in his mouth. If you're not sure what an episiotomy is, you should Wiki it. It's fucking gross, but that's only because I'm 22 and squirmier than a 6-year-old.
Anyway, Chachi - like me - totally pulled a mental puke until those 3D High Definition 7.1 Dolby Surround Sound scans showed up on the monitor. For the first time, Chachi saw his spawn with the facial features of a human rather than a molecular mistake, and it's kind of cool seeing a grown man almost regret his entire existence.
Hey, you're an accident.
It was a "holy fucking shit" moment that made having a kid ever more so real for Chachi, and on the way back home he tells Joanie that this sort of shit gives him anxiety attacks. Of his biggest concerns about the birth process is witnessing the vaginal cut for the episiotomy.
Joanie says, "You don't have to."
Chachi responds, "You know how to spell episiotomy? L-O-O-S-E-V-A-G-I-N-A."
You know how to spell Scott Baio? E-P-I-C-F-A-I-L.
Moving on --
At the Daddies To Be class, instructor Moby asks the guys what they estimate is the cost of a child until they are 17, excluding the cost of college.
Black Guy is, like, "$12,000."
White Guy is, like, "$50-to-75,000."
Latino Guy is, like, "$70,000."
Chachi is, like, "$100,000."
Much to the dismay of the Daddies To Be, Moby writes the average figure of the cost of a child on a blackboard.
"The average cost of a child these days is between $184,320 to $268,520."
"You shittin' me? Are you SHITTIN' ME?!"
Chachi flips the fuck out, probably after realizing that all his Charles in Charge residuals equals the cost of his kid from the ages of 1-2. It is here that Chachi also sees the financial responsibilities of a family as a monumental burden on the income bearer.
A round of miniature golf with DA GUYS helps churn the rusty gears inside Chachi's head for creative ways of making more money. After HeyButthead wonders why they're playing mini-golf on a course that literally lies beside the 405, JohnnyV tells him it's about helping Chachi save some money.
"Guys, it was either this or DZ Discovery Zone."
When Chachi tells DA GUYS how scared he is of putting so much money into cribs, and diapers, and bottles, and all that other baby crap, JohnnyV tells him that you get all that stuff for free at a baby shower; to Chachi's surprise, one of the guys knew Joanie was hosting one the following weekend - and he didn't.
HeyButthead says it's unfair that the girl gets the shower, and entertains the idea of a man-version.
JohnnyV: "Vegas, baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
HeyButthead: "A Vegas Man Shower!"
YAYYY MANN SHOWEERRR!!!!!
Chachi actually feels a little bad about leaving Joanie alone again for reasons of travel, but the guys convince him otherwise by questioning his manhood. Chachi uses the excuse of saving money to avoid the costly trip, but DA GUYS insure him that the costs will not fall on Chachi - not one cent. He agrees on the condition that DA GUYS prevent him from gambling. Uh-oh! Foreshadowing!!!
Used-car-salesman-like JohnnyV says he's got "connection" in Vegas to girth up the trip. Uh-oh! Double foreshadowing!!!
"Lance Burton and I are tight."
Back at the Baio estate, Joanie introduces Chachi to an expectedly super gay wedding coordinator. The coordinator, who we'll call SupaGay, asks Joanie and Chachi what they want to do.
"I charge $40 per reinforced stereotype!!!"
Chachi: "Not spend a lot of money." HEY-YO!
Joanie explains that she wants a sunset wedding that's "simple but elegant", which SupaGay promised as "not inexpensive."
Supagay: How many people are you hosting?
Chachi: 6.
Joanie: ...40 TO 50.
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Comments (12)
Pardon me for bringing this up, but "Joanie" had a daughter when she was like 16 years old, and unless she had a C-section at that time, she would have already had an episiotomy, and Chachi obviously had no complaints about loose va-jay-jay from that, so, GET OVER IT.
1 of 12 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on February 19, 2008 4:34 AM
It's not a given that you have an episiotomy if you have a baby vaginally. You could just tear or the baby could fit through by just stretching out the skin within a cut or tear.
...and the episiotomy is just the skin at the entrance. Kegels is how you keep your pelvic floor strong and tight.
Sorry, not sure why but I felt compelled to clarify....
2 of 12 | Posted by rt12345 | Posted on February 19, 2008 7:23 AM
AND where is this other child of Joanies? What is her real name? I forgot.
Why do they keep acting like this other child doesn't exist?
Yeah Chach is an ass.
3 of 12 | Posted by sweetleaf | Posted on February 19, 2008 7:30 AM
"Money isn't everything"? Oh really, Renee? I suppose losing $5K means nothing to you, because you siphon off of someone elses bank account and are buying a massive mansion you don't even need. Urgh, that comment made me ill. So many people in this world are struggling to keep their kids fed and the heat on, but Mrs. Chachi-to-be can sneeze at losing five grand in less than a minute. Oh well, enjoy it while it lasts, honey. Those residuals won't last forever, and I can't possibly see a third season out of this ridiculous storyline.
4 of 12 | Posted by TheGreatAndPowerfulShaz | Posted on February 19, 2008 9:23 AM
I certainly did not mean to imply that an episiotomy is is required for all VB's. However, with many first time moms they have been performed routinely without really waiting to see if they are actually needed, especially when you are talking a time period of around 18 years ago.
5 of 12 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on February 19, 2008 10:34 AM
While we are discussing tacky subjects, I heard the rumor long ago that Pamela Anderson absolutely refused to have vaginal births with her sons because she didn't want to stretch out her cooch. Priorities, baby!!!
6 of 12 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on February 19, 2008 10:39 AM
I'm sorry, but it's hard for me to feel any monetary sympathy for these 2. I bust my ass for my measly salary.
7 of 12 | Posted by sardini | Posted on February 19, 2008 2:10 PM
sorry if i didn't clarify, but joanie's 1st baby is actually invisible. i repeat, joanie's 1st baby is invisible.
your pal,
hugostop
8 of 12 | Posted by hugostop | Posted on February 19, 2008 2:16 PM
Love the picture of Johnny V...that hat is ridiculous.
9 of 12 | Posted by lemongurl | Posted on February 19, 2008 6:07 PM
omg...how spooky was that wedding planner guy? He looks familiar...has he been on another show? I loved it when he offered to take Chai-Chi flower shopping. As if!
Joanie doesn't seem worried about money...baby, new house, wedding CHA-CHING!$$$$$$$ No wonder ChaiChi is getting so freaked out. He was even freaked out with the guys...he kept yelling at them about having to pay for "Incidentals"!
Does she really think that Scott B at age 46, never married and no kids will magically change? I thought he was sort of kidding around about being scared...but honestly I think he really is scared to death.
Since there now is a baby, I really hope they can make it work for the sake of that baby.
10 of 12 | Posted by RHODA | Posted on February 20, 2008 11:00 AM
Unmarried & Pregnant Gal + 46 year old Immature Guy + Baby Ready to Be Born = HEAD ON TRAIN WRECK and I'm trying to be nice.
What are they thinking?
She's thinking...okay great I get a baby with a celebrity(kind of) a big house, and a husband.
He's thinking...What was I thinking?
Stay tuned for another boring episode.
11 of 12 | Posted by RHODA | Posted on February 20, 2008 9:18 PM
Scott's probably like: "Ok, VH1 we've had our fun but I want out of this contract, take back the baby and the lady. I want out!" LOL I agree, he does look kinda scared.
12 of 12 | Posted by MichyPR | Posted on February 22, 2008 10:43 AM