I call BS. This cartoon is in his twenties.
Week three of Scott's Baio's leaf over-turning spectacle has approached us. That means Scott is just over one third of his way through the 8 week Doctor-
Ali-Settle-Down-Program. One third. One third of the way is a big deal if you ask me. One third of the way through rehab, Britney Spears had already signed in and out twice, and got herself a new boyfriend. One third of the way through my Friday evening and I'm already on my 4th stoli vanilla and diet coke, telling myself that these heels ARE worth this pain, and unsuccessfully trying to talk myself out of drunk dialing as I slur, "Guess who thiiiiiis iiiiiissss?.."
You see where I'm going with this. One third means progress. Well, except when we're talking about Scott Baio. One third of the way through the commitment version of what they politely refer to in elementary school as "special help", and where's Scott? He's in Palm Springs with Johnny Leftovers spending time with girls ONE THIRD his age. So much for progress. Don't know if you've heard, but Scott Baio is 45. And Single. Imagine that.
Episode two of the show opens with Scott and Doc Ali discussing Scott's views on marriage. Doc Ali asks, "Do you see marriage as freeing, or bondage?" Uh, Doc, what's with the useless line of questioning? If he saw marriage as freeing would VH1 be documenting his commitment issues? Who's the professional here? Maybe Scott should have gone with the feng shui life coach after all. At least she could have moved some body parts around. Seems to me what Scott really needs is a foot to the ass.
If marriage was a cartoon character, would it be a Care Bare or the Grinch that Stole Christmas?
Scott tells Doc Ali a story about when he dated Julie McCullough. Julie McCullough was the nanny on Growing Pains, and a playboy playmate who apparently suffered a number of cheating episodes courtesy of our own Scott Baio. When Julie discovered that Scott was dating two girls at the same time, she and the mistress sent a Christmas card to Scott featuring the two of them giving the finger. Bush league Jill McCullough! Carrie Underwood slashes tires and smashes headlights when faced with cheaters. Step your game up. Crack a rib or something.
Upon Doc Ali's request, Scott goes to visit Julie, who, since her Playboy playmate days couldn't last forever, has become a stand up comedian. Only problem is that she's really not funny. The only time I laughed at her is when they showed a close up of her bangs.
Good one, Julie!
Playboy playmates are useful for many things, but speaking is probably number 23 on the list. Joke telling being number 35. I'm convinced that on a nightly basis, the owner of that comedy club hands her the microphone, makes the sign of the cross on himself and then silently prays that she'll do something sexually inappropriate with the mic on stage. I mention this to Manuel from Sears Housewares, who tells me that his mother says rosaries for people like me. I tell him that they make medication for people like his mother, and my relationship with Manuel is officially over.
Scott, Johnny Leftovers and Wayne Arnold all attend Julie's "show", but when Scott realizes that Julie's "routine" is centered around what an awful human being Scott Baio is, Scott's out of there faster than you can say, "please swallow the microphone, Amen" and Scott decides to meet Julie back-stage, after the "performance." It's a good thing too, because at this point I'm out of quotation markable words to describe what she calls "working".
During their rendezvous, Julie tells Scott between gulps of bud light that she got her first AIDS test because of him. "That's how many times you cheated on me." Two questions struck me at this point: 1. How many AIDS tests has this girl had that she needed to clarify that it was her first; and 2. Why in the world did she keep dating Scott after the first round of cheating? Did she get to his apartment after he cheated the first time, find a used condom on the floor and say to herself, "Well, at least I don't have to worry about the HIV..."?
« Recap: So You Think You Can Dance Performance Show: Jazz Hands! | | Recap: Big Brother: The Mole »
Comments (13)
did every woman in american not inhale violently with a gasp when you saw julie kirkcameron's bangs? holy mackerel that's some frisky business.
the "i call bs line" about the cartoon was GOLD. no wonder i find the intro so endearing. like a harmless flintstone's character...
Rock Baio...
water buffalo lodge...
i'm reaching.
1 of 13 | Posted by k37744![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
|
Posted on July 24, 2007 12:34 PM
Just when I thought you couldn't top Johnny Leftovers....Johnny Tupperware. That's gold, Jerry...GOLD! I will always read your columns, McSteeny...that is, until you reach your final stage in the journey to hell. Love ya!
2 of 13 | Posted by Shaz![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
|
Posted on July 24, 2007 12:40 PM
k37744: Scott Baiostone? Now you've got ME reaching... thanks.
Shaz: Kick a nun and join me in hell, won't you? It'll be fun.
3 of 13 | Posted by McSteeny![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
|
Posted on July 24, 2007 1:00 PM
PS the BS comment was Flipit, I can't take credit for that... though i wish I could.
4 of 13 | Posted by McSteeny![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
|
Posted on July 24, 2007 1:12 PM
McSteeny, as long as you keep up your glorious commentary, I'll follow you anywhere...now where is the nearest abby?....
5 of 13 | Posted by Shaz![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
|
Posted on July 25, 2007 6:47 AM
steen & shaz, i have a gorgeous villa on the eastern coast of hades. you're both cordially invited. i'll make bagel bites.
the only thing that would cause me to miss one single moment of these baio gemisodes would be a conflicting time slot with that "two coreys" show. i'm all atwitter at getting my hands on that trainwreck. mcsteeny, that has you written ALLLL over it...
6 of 13 | Posted by k37744![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
|
Posted on July 25, 2007 10:30 AM
k37744, as for the Villa I'm in as long as Shaz is in, and please make mine pepperoni.
As for the Two Corey's, I've ALREADY put my request in to cover that show... All we can do now is pray.
7 of 13 | Posted by McSteeny![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
|
Posted on July 25, 2007 11:14 AM
Julie actually was cute a few years back. I remember seeing her on the E True Hollywood Story of the Growing Pains. I actually felt bad for her because Kirk Cameron got her fired since he is crazy.
And I'm really embarassed to admit this but I actually find Scott Baio to be pretty cute on this show. I don't know what it is, because he looks kind of bad, but there is just something about him that makes me like him.
By the way hilarious recap!
8 of 13 | Posted by dmbislove![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
|
Posted on July 25, 2007 2:14 PM
K37744, I'll bring the beer! We'll need something icy to cool off, I'm sure.
Fingers crossed ro McSteeny to recap that train wreck that will prove to be "the Two Coreys". My Spidey senses tell me Corey Haim will be providing all the hilarious badness, while Feldman, who seems to have grown up, will be the "steady" one. Interesting, that. Haim also reminds me of a guy I once dated, so since I can't wee HIM wrecking his life, I can watch Corey H. and pretend it's him. Huzzah!
9 of 13 | Posted by Shaz![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
|
Posted on July 26, 2007 11:39 AM
Fantastic recap, thanks for bringing the funny and making me laugh uncontrollably.
10 of 13 | Posted by bdos88![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
|
Posted on July 27, 2007 9:55 AM
a frosty beer sounds divine right now. i'm going to have a couple of kids out of wedlock and be friendly to 'the gays' so i can expedite my one-way ticket...
true story: a few years ago (my blurry/glory years as i like to call them) a few friends and i went to see corey feldman's band at a little dive in cleveland. we went for the kitch factor and out of morbid curiosity. a few minutes before the set, two gorilla-esque bodyguards walked through the crowd with what looked like an ewok under a towel. literally only came up to my chin. i'm gonna give you two guesses who that ewok was. the remainder of the night was spent dodging plastic cups hurled onstage and wondering what this spectacle would do for my youthful love of the goonies.
god speed to you mcsteeny. just let me know when to don my petition outfit and hit the streets.
11 of 13 | Posted by k37744![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
|
Posted on July 27, 2007 3:10 PM
"Johnny begs Scott to stay in a way that is so confusing and painful to watch, it reminds me of how I feel when I'm watching one of those Sally Struthers commercials where the kids are clearly starving, and yet they never think to take a bite out of one of the fruit flies that are sitting on their foreheads."
LMAO oh my god you killed me with that one. Great recap, loved it.
I kinda like Scott Baio too dmbislove, there's something, I don't know, endearing about him. Cute.
12 of 13 | Posted by MichyPR![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
|
Posted on July 30, 2007 12:40 PM
Dr, I sure hope you continue to blog on all the episodes of this show. Your razor sharp humor and analysis makes watching this show worthwhile!
13 of 13 | Posted by cruisepro2![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
|
Posted on August 6, 2007 5:36 AM