The other day I was with a friend of mine stealing quarters from sleeping homeless people's coffee cups in order to buy ourselves some Coldstone when he said, "As long as you're going to hell, answer this question: Can you name a worse sight than watching an obese person eat ice cream?" I pondered the question for a moment, and then, having worked in Baskin Robbins for two years in high school, got a flashback of the sense of disgust I got watching this one giant fat man who came into the store every single day 5 pounds heavier than the day before. Every single day he'd order a brownie sundae and leave with hot fudge all over his neck.
That's when it struck me: maybe I'm overly critical. Sure it's sort of fun to make jokes at other people's expense, but now look at me. I'm watching a TV show with the intention of picking people apart bit by bit. Have I gone too far? Am I the most critical individual in existence right now? A monster from which the world is not safe? I worried about this all weekend long until the opening of Episode Three where the Scott Baio cartoon announced publicly that he broke up with Denise Richards the instant she took her shoes off in front of him, because she had huge feet that looked like flippers. Phew... A bigger monster does exist. Hide the women and children!...Scott Baio is 45 and Single!
If only this girl was missing a tooth or two, she'd be perfect.
First, a side note while we're on the topic of the Scott Baio cartoon opening. I decided that they should do an animated spin-off of the show, with the cartoon imitating real life. Now if you're out there VH1, or hell, even the cartoon network, listen up. Here's my pitch:
The Scott Baio cartoon is dating Judy Jetson. Judy, a hopeless romantic, who's always been enthralled with the rock star and celebrity types (see her biggest crush: Jet Screamer), falls hook, line and sinker for Cartoon Scott Baio's game, and winds up laying upside down on her bed describing Cartoon Scott over the phone to her friend with adjectives such as "outergalactic." Jane Jetson, eager to have a grandchild, starts chiming in to George about potential wedding plans, and George has to fire Rosie to start saving up for a wedding at the Galaxy Country Club.
Dear Die-Die, today I met the man I'm going to marry!
Then one day, Astro goes to the Milky Way Bar to meet up with Elroy who (courtesy of his association with Scott Baio) is the only 8 year old in the bar doing shots of Jamison and getting lap dances. On the way home, Astro stops at the local hydrant to relieve himself when, "ruh roh", he spots Cartoon Scott doing the nasty with Daphne from Scooby Doo AND Smurfette in the parking lot behind Spacely Sprockets. Personally I think it's an instant classic. Hanna-Barbera, you know where to find me.
No blue balls with this little harlot.
Episode three opens with Doc Ali reviewing some photos of Scott's exes, looking for a pattern in his taste. A "type" if you will. Hmmm. A pattern. Let's see... Nicolette Sheridan, Pam Anderson, Heather Locklear, Julie McCullough. Scott's not seeing a pattern. A pattern like blondes with big boobs for example. No that can't be it, Scott says. And why not, you ask? Because he dated an Asian girl once. And by dated an Asian girl he means porked a waitress in the bathroom of Benihana.
Apparently, having one Asian girl amongst the hundreds of blonde playmates on "your list" seems to protect you from viewing yourself as having a type, much like having one black friend protects you from viewing yourself as a racist. If you fall into one of these categories, I have news for you: that fat guy from Baskin Robbins tasted the low fat frozen yogurt once, too, and he's still the fat guy with chocolate on his neck.
Finally Scott decides that the pattern in his exes is that they are all "close to flawless." Poor Scott. Having to spend so much time with all those nearly perfect women. It's almost as sad a story as poor Paris and Nicky Hilton who have to smile for a living.
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Comments (13)
"Zapped!"
walks like a tool, talks like a tool...doesn't disappoint.
i'm thinking at this point he doesn't need to change one single bit. he needs to remain a dipshit until the day he dies a dipshit death and spare the women of the world his particular brand of dipshittedness. i'm losing compassion here. if that plastic, brain-dead broad from the first show still wants him when this is over, then consider the rest of us spared.
has anyone ever pointed out that washed up greasy brooklynites are a dime a dozen?
1 of 13 | Posted by k37744
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Posted on July 30, 2007 3:12 PM
Hey McSteeny, K37744...what's up? These recaps are the higlight of my week, which is more than I can say for the show itself. What a self-absorbed a-hole. He's Chachi, for crying out loud! He must promise brain-dead bimbos he'll introduce them to a good agent, because frankly, I can't see why bedding a guy who hasn't worked in years such a conquest. Eewww.
Fat guy/chocolate sauce was my favorite part. Of course, I was eating my Chef Boyardee mini raviolis at the time. Thankfully, they've settled nicely! Willie Ames with the "O" face was priceless, too.
2 of 13 | Posted by Shaz
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Posted on July 30, 2007 3:51 PM
My drinking buddies! Thanks for being so loyal and reading every week. Er, all three weeks. :)
k- Part of me agrees with you and is turned off by his ego and seemingly indifferent attitude, and thinks he DESERVES To be single and loveless, but I can't help but have a glimmer of hope for him to turn into a decent human being... call me an optimist. The brooklyn boy thing is so true though.
Shaz- I used to prefer the beeferoni, but they've since changed the sauce. So now I sincerely believe there isn't a better meal than Chef Boyardee mini raviol (meat filled of course).
3 of 13 | Posted by McSteeny
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Posted on July 30, 2007 7:17 PM
Great recap, doc. After reading your pre-cap a few weeks back, I finally steeled myself and watched 2 episodes last night.
Am I a complete cynic, or did the matchmakers obviously just hire a model/actress from a casting agency to go on a TV date with Scott Baio. What great free advertising. You know horny single guy with money is beating down their door. Girls like that don't go to matchmakers.
4 of 13 | Posted by JasonR
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Posted on July 31, 2007 7:36 AM
doc, i hear ya. you're a sucker for a well-drawn cartoon. i admit that i let fred flintstone get away with YEARS of chauvenistic b/s purely cuz i liked the cut of his jib.
i just read scott's imdb bio (i know...don't ask) and it does indeed say renee is now preggers and expecting their first child in dec. well if that don't take the cake. PUH-LEASE let it be a little girl. then he'll have the wrath of some vicious-assed karma come knockin when little chiquita marie baio is old enough to date.
p.s. 2 coreys? SMOLDERING. TRAIN. WRECKAGE. i have so much to say...
p.p.s. my ears are too small.
5 of 13 | Posted by k37744
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Posted on July 31, 2007 10:50 AM
Doc, your recaps are too hilarious. You top yourself every week - hell you top yourself every paragraph.
I am sad to say I am running out of childhood crushes. First Donny Osmond was an ass, than Christopher Knight was a prick to Adrienne Curry, Robert Urich was mean to me at a conference, now ChaChi is a womanizing man-whore whose only redeeming quality is that he is a fraction less skeevy than Johnny Leftover Tupperware. What next - Matt Dillon is gonna turn out to be a dog kicker?
6 of 13 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie
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Posted on July 31, 2007 11:00 AM
Tink- To make matters worse, Kirk Cameron's a raving lunatic, Cory Haim went to shit, and River Pheonix is dead.
7 of 13 | Posted by McSteeny
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Posted on July 31, 2007 12:46 PM
why is everyone hating on brooklynites?
8 of 13 | Posted by Danny Aged
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Posted on July 31, 2007 8:18 PM
danny...it's not necessarily about hating on brooklyn. it's more about scott baio having absolutely nothing more to offer the world and brooklyn taking the fall out of my pure laziness to peg it on something else. (henry winkler came in a close second).
i happen to know some perfectly lovely brooklynites, most of whom aren't whiny, dimwitted douchebags who have a doctorate in womanizing and a life-long quest to find the perfect bimbo.
i said most.
9 of 13 | Posted by k37744
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Posted on August 1, 2007 2:56 PM
I'm another new viewer coerced into watching by the hilarious recaps.
All stage mothers should be forced to watch this- early fame messes with heads. Scott's sense of entitlement and egomania have produced a Not Normal adult. Ok, he's not homeless or strung-out, but he is still screwy. (literally and figuratively.)
Its like he saw Denise Richard's feet and his reaction was "now would the Fonz settle for ugly feet? Well, then Chachi shouldn't have to!"
Whatever. I'd rather hear how he justifies cheating on his "perfect" women and ruining each relationship. This light-hearted "I lost them all because I was too picky re: their flaws! Doh!" is disgusting.
How about your failure to bond with a woman as a human being, a life partner? How about your view of women being "how cool I look for bagging THIS hottie" to the outside world.
And I hate to deflate a great joke, but the ugly sister on Charles in Charge got hot. She popped up on 90210 as a sexpot in the final season. AND she's got the career, not Nicole. (i.e. notice which one had time to cameo/hang out with Scott.)
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0004861/photogallery
10 of 13 | Posted by Lucy
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Posted on August 2, 2007 3:09 AM
No way! She totally IS hot. Completely over-took Nicole. Shocking, yet impressive. She should request Charles in Charge reunions every year. Thanks for the follow up Lucy. Well worth the joke deflate.
11 of 13 | Posted by McSteeny
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Posted on August 2, 2007 6:24 AM
I think that Willie Ames (aka "Buddy") is doing some type of religious children's show now. Maybe Scott could benefit from that.
I honestly don't get what all those women saw in Scott. I mean he was a good looking kid but way too scrawny. I think he was just trying to prove to everyone that he could get the hot chick.
12 of 13 | Posted by murphena
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Posted on August 4, 2007 7:24 AM
Scott is a typical critical Virgo:
Date of Birth:
22 September 1961, Brooklyn, New York, USA
http://www.astrologyweekly.com/sun-signs/virgo-trouble-areas.php
13 of 13 | Posted by BlahBlah
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Posted on August 26, 2007 11:45 AM