Moving in sucks for everyone, but for Scott Baio, it's like showering in Auschwitz. To see Baio content would only be to see him sedentary for the rest of his life. Or dead.
Nice.
For $100 and a case of beer, Chachi convinced a couple college guys he met at a gas station to help him move into his goliath estate. Word on the street says he initially offered them autographs, and the college guys were, like, "Anything for Marco Scutaro!!!" Oops!
"GREAT JOB ON YOUR LIFTIN', BRO!!!"
In a move that could only be described as surprising, Chachi actually pleaded, no, DEMANDED that Joanie not lift anything because, let's be honest, no one wants to finish this season off with a dead baby.
Joanie comes off as far too bossy to have not been a wife yet, and Chachi is definitely feeling his blood boil all too early in this shaky relationship. "Unpack the kitchen! Blah blah blah!!! [Inaudible woman talk, etc.]..."
Ooh, don't even get Joanie started on the packaged dessert confections she found in the kitchenware boxes. Packing isn't Chachi's forte. You know, like parenthood. And life.
"WTF is this? BAIO, WTF IS THIS?"
It's an incredibly busy day and Chachi needs to go the bathroom, but Joanie denies his urination rights because THE HOUSE MUST BE UNPACKED IN THIS INSTANT. Chachi's a real man, though, and defends his manhood with the perfect combination of warfare wordage.
"I need to go to the bathroom. I don't want to pee on the floor." Leonitis, everyone.
Turns out Chachi was lying and just wanted some alone time. In fact, he would "trade my first born for any Alone Time."
"Did I just say that?" Yes, Chachi. Yes, you did.
While he was hiding, Chachi thought he'd take a crack at the stash of parenting books he'd recently collected. Then he put them down because they were "boring", but we all know it's because he can't read.
"D... Durr... Drrr..."
In the box of books, he also pulled some old porno magazines. Most guys have old pictures of their ex-girlfriends in albums and secret stashes, but not Chachi. His exes are inside Playboy centerfolds and, well, even douchebags needa reminisce.
Oh man, that night was RI-DIIIICCCC....
To my disbelief, all the magazines were in color. I was seriously expecting some Betty Page action, or even some rare boob shots of Mary Pickford, but no, this guy actually doinked Pam Anderson. I mean, sure, we all have, but Chachi clearly isn't as dated as he acts.
"Back in the good ol' days, I was king of my castle." Sorry, folks, that one writes itself.
*KRR-CHH*
The Baio Estate has an intercom system, and Joanie cannot operate this thing if her child's life depended on it. It's annoying even from the audience perspective, and now we can actually, no, FINALLY sympathize with Chachi.
"Scott?"
*KRR-CHH*
"Yeah?"
*KRR-CHH*
Repeat until Scott starts screaming obscenities.
This is one commercial break that called for an Advil. Or a bullet to America's face.
The next day, Chachi attends his Daddies To Be class and the instructor begins the session by introducing something called an "Awareness Jar." Anytime one of the guys in the class says something remotely offensive, a dollar goes into the jar.
"This is also your career's urn, Scott."
It's an exercise of watching one's mouth because babies absorb anything their parents say like a sponge, and while I really want Chachi's baby to say "@#%* you, Dad" as her first words, society doesn't.
Everyone's "To Do (Before My Life Is Over Because I'm Gonna Be a Dad) List" was discussed, and Latino Guy was up first.
"I want to fix the heater. It is broken."
Black Guy was, like, "I want to go to Cancun."
White Guy was all about growing an organic garden to grow his own baby food.
Like me, Chachi was all, like, "WTF, THOSE ARE YOUR FINAL REQUESTS AS CHILDLESS MEN!?"
"Ya fuckin' with me or are ya fuckin' with me?"
Chachi threw more F-bombs than Dick Cheney on a bad day at the Senate, and, no lie, tossed his credit card into the Awareness Jar.
His balance could probably cover a day or two.
I'm starting to like this guy. At a perverse rate.
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Comments (6)
I do not like these people.
I especially grew disdian for Chachie when in his marriage proposal he said... I want to marry you.
Like he was doing her some big favor. ANd he really feels that way. Any woman whose man put her on some kind of even a small pedestal is in for trouble. Like serious. She is a retard.
1 of 6 | Posted by Sweetleaf | Posted on January 26, 2008 8:14 AM
oh the chach. what a guy.
2 of 6 | Posted by chrispeycreme | Posted on January 26, 2008 4:12 PM
Awesome recap! I laughed so hard...keep up the good work :).
3 of 6 | Posted by lemongurl | Posted on January 26, 2008 4:14 PM
Awesome recap! I laughed so hard...keep up the good work :).
4 of 6 | Posted by lemongurl | Posted on January 26, 2008 4:15 PM
May I take this opportunity to thank all of our VH1/Celebreality recappers... Many TV sites totally ignore these gems.
5 of 6 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on January 29, 2008 3:02 AM
awesome recap! :)
6 of 6 | Posted by bonez | Posted on January 29, 2008 11:39 PM