After a review of last week's show, Shaq and Dr. Colker head for Kit's house to sass her parents for taking her out of the program. I find that's the best way to handle a situation myself, being an asshole to fellow adults. Colker says they're entering hostile territory, but Shaq still thinks she's a necessity for the program, so it's off to the rodeo. Shaq faux punches and kicks the camera to show how he'll kick Kit's father's ass. This is off to a remarkable start, two minutes out of the gate and already he's planning to hurt someone.

Kit comes into the yard and shares awkward hugs with Shaq and Colker. She's been praying very hard for her dad to let her back into the program. Shaq stands outside and just stares into their pueblo, so Colker leads the way and finds out the cameras aren't allowed inside. Luckily, the camera lingers in the doorway, giving us the perfect angle to see Shaq's glimmering skull reflecting off the ceiling. Kit's dad says he doesn't need Colker in his house, and if Shaq doesn't like it, he can step out too. I honestly can't fathom why he would rather this oaf in his home instead of a legitimate doctor, but Colker stands outside with Kit's mom, The Bearded Lady. Finally the father erupts to get the fuck off his property. He literally chases them out, nearly sending the camera to the ground, which prompts Shaq to smile and say, "Being that he's from the streets and I'm from the streets, I know how to talk to the talk, and how to listen to the talk." That seems like a pretty accurate representation of what's happening, I agree.

The camera films Shaq speaking to Kit's dad through the window. Shaq promises that he cares for Kit as if she were his own, and that her whole accident was due to her overreacting. This is probably supposed to be comforting, but it would piss me off to have this jerk in my house insisting my kid was just dramatic. In his one-on-one interview, he says he kept it real and told her dad, "Look, I'm not a doc. That guy you cursed out, that's my doc." By saying this, of course, he negates every statement he's issued to this man. The camera pans to The Bearded Lady and Kit, who sways to and fro in her chair like a mental patient.

Shaq babbles about how a lot of men don't take care of their children, but he can tell Kit's father is different. This is likely a throwback to Shaq's negligent father, so I expect in about 14 seconds he'll overturn their kitchen table due to his rough existence. Sure enough, Shaq touches on how we need more men like this in America. Kit's dad invites Colker back inside, because he's schizophrenic, and the camera fades to black. I assume they all had an orgy.

At the gym, Tarik leads the kids on a five-minute warm-up on the treadmills. Kit enters and Kevin squeals, "No way!" and slides down the stair-stepper in perfect sync with Chris. Ariel dykes out and tells Kit never to leave her again, and Kit squirms uncomfortably and is like, "Yep, okay." The kids reunite and Kit pays special attention to Walter, which makes me feel sick inside. If these two behemoths eventually make out, I'll seriously throw up. Walter says his mind is speechless about all of this. Kit gets emotional because she doesn't have good friends, since a lot of people find her impossible to interact with. She thinks it's just because of her appearance, but after three weeks of watching this show, absolutely nothing about this girl is appealing. Fat or skinny, she's going to be hard-pressed to find any pals with that personality.

Colker says Ariel has a permagrin due to Kit's return, and the camera pans to a gleeful Ariel doing squats while smiling. Ariel is gay.

You are the wind beneath my wings

Recap: Shaq's Big Challenge: My Mind is Speechless Sections:  1  |  2  |  3  |  4  |  5  |  6 

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Posted in Shaq's Big Challenge by Bailey Quarters at 9:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)
Last Comment: Bailey Quarters on Jul 19, 2007 10:53 PM.

Comments (4)

dolyn :

I've never watched the show but I will never again miss a recap of it. Bailey Quarters I commend you for ta job well done. Everything was on-point- the snark, the screen caps, the wtf? moments, and making fun of fat kids. I now know that I am not alone in my disgust of the thought of two fat kids making out. And my suspicions of Shaq being "a juvenile delinquent trapped in a superstar's body" are now confirmed. Not to mention the fact that he's a complete bully living in a fantasy world.

1 of 4 | Posted by dolyn | Posted on July 13, 2007 11:34 AM

GIFFORDSAZ :

This is a great recap.. I have never watched the show but i feel like i have after the complete-ness of your writing BQ.... The kids seem like they just don't get it and why did they pick Shaq as the cheerleader...seriously. I will follow your recaps they are very entertaining!

2 of 4 | Posted by GIFFORDSAZ | Posted on July 14, 2007 3:05 PM

reckless_saturn :

i never thought that i would find a writer, as much as, i loved b-side. but then there was YOU!

the kid putting his whole head into a bag to eat? that can't be true?

3 of 4 | Posted by reckless_saturn | Posted on July 17, 2007 5:08 AM

Bailey Quarters :

I apologize for taking so long to reply to these, since none of you might see this now, but you're all wonderful! I appreciate the comments so much and I'm thrilled that you agree Shaq is a total wackjob.

reckless_saturn, I am FLATTERED, thank you! Sadly, he really did shove his face in there although the specifics elude me. I imagine he tore the wrappers with his teeth and just swallowed things whole, like a baby bear.

4 of 4 | Posted by Bailey Quarters | Posted on July 19, 2007 10:53 PM

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