Next, Colker basically screams across the gym that Walter's only friend is back. He also says the program feels complete now that Kit has re-joined, and it'll be a little less talking and a little more rocking. Right after, he dons a Shaq-like face to show how much he enjoys hearing himself speak. What a blessing Dr. Colker is upon the world!
Tarik speaks with Kit about how he's not a monster - wait, yes he is - wait, no he's not! Oy vey. He's glad she's back and he's going to start her with baby steps. She says now that she's spoken to Mr. T, she's not afraid anymore. I pity the fool who believes this nonsense. The footage cuts away to random fat people in Miami, and I always feel sad for the folks who get caught in these shots. Imagine sitting down to watch TV and all of a sudden you're like, "Wait, those are MY pink gaucho pants!"
Shaq says it's time for the kids to start making progress, and on cue, Kevin goes, "James? No offense, but is that a smaller shirt?" What a kind boy! Sorry he's not working out in a polo top like you are, Kev. Tarik finds their constant bickering to be a problem, as evidenced by Kevin randomly shoving James to the ground. That's how little boys show their affection, right? Kevin wants some serious slap and tickle. James says Kevin thinks himself a leader but always ruins everything, which is possibly the most intelligent thing that's been mentioned so far in this show.
Kevin heaves a sigh and yammers about how it's hard to lead the group, and it's a very tough burden for him to bear. At this point, it's hard to tell which child is the most dislikable, because the majority are serious contenders. You want to have sympathy but they make it pretty impossible. James asks Kevin how much weight he's lost, and Kevin fibs his total by saying nine pounds. In actuality, he gained three. If you ask him though, he didn't lie; he just held back some of the truth! Come on, baby, your future boyfriend is watching and shaking his head in disapproval. Tarik says asking these kids to lose 50 pounds is like asking him to ice skate uphill.
The narrator informs us that only 6% of schools nationwide have physical education classes, so that clears up my confusion from my last recap, although it still seems a little fabricated. Shaq, as always, is clueless.
Homie say what?
Shaq and his team have come up with a plan for gym classes at Olsen Middle School, since their last ill-structured idea was shot down. The plan is 20 minutes of exercise during homeroom, to make everyone more health conscious. Shaq's buddy Dale says Shaq's celebrity status will be the final stamp on this scheme, and Shaq confirms he's a knockout. In the words of his good friend, Eminem the rapper, "You only get one shot." That wasn't even a smooth name drop; that was just sad.
Four days later, Colker is ready to announce the strategy to the middle school's staff. Unfortunately, Shaq calls from an arena to say he can't make it. His team must fly out tonight to visit Walter Reed Hospital and the White House, and then he mumbles extensively about God knows what. He swears he really wanted to be there for the pitch, but he'll tell the disabled soldiers that Colker says hi. Um, yeah, I'm sure they'll appreciate that. A greeting from an unknown physical trainer in Miami will make up for their amputated limbs. Colker and Dale plan to do the presentation without Shaq, but no one seems super surprised that he backed out. Shaq is like that shitty boyfriend who cancels a date but rages out if his partner gets angry over it.
The meeting goes on as scheduled, and none of the staff seems remotely interested since Shaq didn't show up. Colker explains the plan and the teachers show visible disgust. Seriously, if they wanted to teach gym, wouldn't they have become gym teachers? Seems kind of obvious. Colker stumbles over his presentation while Dale laughs in the background. When they ask for questions, basically to fill the awkward silence that's languishing in the room, one woman asks how they'll mandate that the kids get up and work out. Others ask if they'll have to lead the instructions, and if they'll be trained, and what the dress code will be. Clearly there are hundreds of things these buffoons never thought through. Colker announces that he's not asking everyone to be exercise physiologists, and then sits down like that settled the matter.
« Preview: Scott Baio is 45 and Single | Main | Recap: America's Got Talent: Pop Quiz, Hotshots! »
Comments (4)
I've never watched the show but I will never again miss a recap of it. Bailey Quarters I commend you for ta job well done. Everything was on-point- the snark, the screen caps, the wtf? moments, and making fun of fat kids. I now know that I am not alone in my disgust of the thought of two fat kids making out. And my suspicions of Shaq being "a juvenile delinquent trapped in a superstar's body" are now confirmed. Not to mention the fact that he's a complete bully living in a fantasy world.
1 of 4 | Posted by dolyn
|
Posted on July 13, 2007 11:34 AM
This is a great recap.. I have never watched the show but i feel like i have after the complete-ness of your writing BQ.... The kids seem like they just don't get it and why did they pick Shaq as the cheerleader...seriously. I will follow your recaps they are very entertaining!
2 of 4 | Posted by GIFFORDSAZ
|
Posted on July 14, 2007 3:05 PM
i never thought that i would find a writer, as much as, i loved b-side. but then there was YOU!
the kid putting his whole head into a bag to eat? that can't be true?
3 of 4 | Posted by reckless_saturn
|
Posted on July 17, 2007 5:08 AM
I apologize for taking so long to reply to these, since none of you might see this now, but you're all wonderful! I appreciate the comments so much and I'm thrilled that you agree Shaq is a total wackjob.
reckless_saturn, I am FLATTERED, thank you! Sadly, he really did shove his face in there although the specifics elude me. I imagine he tore the wrappers with his teeth and just swallowed things whole, like a baby bear.
4 of 4 | Posted by Bailey Quarters
|
Posted on July 19, 2007 10:53 PM