Dale gets up to the podium and starts his speech with, "Oh, for golly's sakes." Yeah, this is a guy they'll take directions from. He calls Dr. Colker "Elmer Fudd" and the whole staff laughs hysterically, to Colker's chagrin. Dale lectures them about type 2 diabetes and other such conditions, while pounding on the lectern. Hilariously, some of the staff nods along with him as they snack on pastries. In the end, the majority of the teachers illogically agree to try out the exercise program. Frank Angelucci speaks about how glad he is, but he's interrupted several times by the dinging of the school bell, which makes him look rather foolish. Seriously, they couldn't have done another take?
Shaq shows up a few days later for the first day of exercise instruction. An announcement comes over the school's speakers, telling the teachers to stand up and prepare their students. Shaq says he has high hopes because he always has high hopes. Through a poor quality instructional tape, Frank leads the kids through exercises, and Shaq participates from the back of a classroom. A lot of the dudes blatantly check out their female classmates' asses while they touch their toes, and softcore porn music fills the scene. Conversely, there's a whole other classroom of kids who get really into the exercises, without getting off over it. Shaq ogles them creepily. The principal is pleased that the teachers participated with the kids, and overall they feel there's an 80% success rate. Honestly, that's a shock. Kit reports to Colker that her class did the activities, and he calls her sweetheart and they share a hug. Colker is tappin' that.
Shaq stands before a science classroom and asks for a show of hands to find out how many kids liked the exercise and how many hated it. The kids who hated it are standing against the back wall. Apparently these kids just hang, they don't get a desk or anything. Outside, Dale tells Shaq he's so good with children, and Shaq says, "It's because I'm a juvenile delinquent trapped in a superstar's body." Dale immediately doubles over with laughter. Shaq believes that 85 to 95% of the kids enjoyed it, and I'd write more but he has an enormous eye booger and I must move on. I won't try to screencap it, but it was like the kind of gunk you'd remove from a Persian cat's eyes.
Back in the school, Shaq tells a random little boy that if he doesn't exercise every day, he's going to kiss him right on the lips in front of everybody. You may recall he made this same threat to James. Shaq loves boys. He says after the exercise program is accepted in this school, the governor and his friend the president will be next in line. Oh God, shut up.
It turns out it's Halloween, and Shaq shares from his home that he just chomped on two cookies and a cupcake because he knows the kids are somewhere cheating. That's a good attitude for their mentor to have; if the kids can cheat, why can't he?! Walter's plans for Halloween are to play a video game and pass out candy, for which he sports a Darth Vader mask. His acne-speckled face is actually scarier, but so it goes. Walter is bummed that they get a lot of trick-or-treaters because he wants to sit on his ass all night.
Shaq picks James as the most likely candidate for cheating on his diet, so right away we see James prowling the streets and chowing down. His parents have been divorced for two years, so he's hanging with his dad tonight. His dad lost 100 pounds recently but doesn't see anything wrong with James eating his weight in chocolatey goodness. The kid honestly sticks his face inside a pillowcase full of candy and just swallows things whole. In the meantime, on the other side of town, Walter gets breathless walking back and forth from his beanbag chair. Oh, life is tough.
NOM NOM NOM
James tells his dad to take the pillowcase and get him more candy, which is completely creepy, and I'm really hoping his father goes out collecting for him. His dad says he's seen James gain weight and he knows he needs that extra push to lose it. I guess he's helping by pushing his face further into the candy sack.
« Preview: Scott Baio is 45 and Single | Main | Recap: America's Got Talent: Pop Quiz, Hotshots! »
Comments (4)
I've never watched the show but I will never again miss a recap of it. Bailey Quarters I commend you for ta job well done. Everything was on-point- the snark, the screen caps, the wtf? moments, and making fun of fat kids. I now know that I am not alone in my disgust of the thought of two fat kids making out. And my suspicions of Shaq being "a juvenile delinquent trapped in a superstar's body" are now confirmed. Not to mention the fact that he's a complete bully living in a fantasy world.
1 of 4 | Posted by dolyn
|
Posted on July 13, 2007 11:34 AM
This is a great recap.. I have never watched the show but i feel like i have after the complete-ness of your writing BQ.... The kids seem like they just don't get it and why did they pick Shaq as the cheerleader...seriously. I will follow your recaps they are very entertaining!
2 of 4 | Posted by GIFFORDSAZ
|
Posted on July 14, 2007 3:05 PM
i never thought that i would find a writer, as much as, i loved b-side. but then there was YOU!
the kid putting his whole head into a bag to eat? that can't be true?
3 of 4 | Posted by reckless_saturn
|
Posted on July 17, 2007 5:08 AM
I apologize for taking so long to reply to these, since none of you might see this now, but you're all wonderful! I appreciate the comments so much and I'm thrilled that you agree Shaq is a total wackjob.
reckless_saturn, I am FLATTERED, thank you! Sadly, he really did shove his face in there although the specifics elude me. I imagine he tore the wrappers with his teeth and just swallowed things whole, like a baby bear.
4 of 4 | Posted by Bailey Quarters
|
Posted on July 19, 2007 10:53 PM