During their workout the next day, Tarik asks the kids if they went trick-or-treating. Kevin's religion doesn't allow it, and James asks Tarik if he went out. You can tell he wants to ask, "What self-respecting grown man would do that?" but James interjects that his dad totally went out. Sad. James lists some of the candies he ate the night before, and for that Tarik speeds up everyone's pace on the treadmill. At first it doesn't matter because James hops off whenever he feels like it, but soon it's changed so that whenever James cheats, the group is forced to go faster. Suckaaaa. Later, everyone does sprints and push-ups, and they all get a water break except for James. Tarik scolds him in various corners of the gym, and Kevin chuckles.
James doesn't understand why Tarik is riding him so much harder than the other kids. He figures it's because he was honest about the junk food he ate, whereas the other kids are just scared to admit it. Walter rolls his eyes, and dude, when Walter is mocking you? Shit ain't good. After the workout, James threatens to strangle Tarik at his home because he treats him like a piece of crap. He says "piece of crap" like six times and James's mom just shrugs it all off. Lay off the booze, James's mom.
There's two weeks until the midpoint of the fitness program, so Shaq is hopeful that the kids have made progress. Tarik says he has both good news and bad news. As of their most recent weigh-in, Chris has lost a total of nine pounds. James lost eight, Kevin dropped three, and Ariel and Kit both got rid of 11. Walter lost 15 through a miracle from God himself. Tarik thinks that a normal person should've dropped between 11 and 15 by now, so Shaq concludes that the kids are cheating on their diets.
Shaq rambles quietly and then there's footage of him playing basketball, where he falls and hurts his knee. He has to get surgery, so Chris buys a huge get well card for the group to sign. They haven't featured Chris at all in this episode, likely because he hasn't been a douchebag, so for now he's my favorite. Shaq says his helpers will have to do more now that he's out of commission, but let's be honest: Shaq hasn't been doing too much of anything. No big loss, I say.
A week later, Colker drives to Shaq's workout room to tell him some devastating news. Oh noez! The school superintendent has been replaced, and the new one shares the rest of the world's view that this program is quite silly. They've been kicked out of the school for good. Shaq is pissed he's being kept down by the man, and he says no school system can kick him out without a fight. Shaq operates in some fantasy world where he's the leader of the land. He swears a lot and smashes a set of weights in half.
Shaq returns home to scarf down some chicken tenders while his personal chef prepares him a turkey wrap. Way to stick to that diet, big boy. He explains all his troubles to the chef, who truly could not care less.
In his office, Shaq gets a call from Dale, who cheerfully says, "Hey, did I hit that injury on the head?" He's so pleased about everything all the time! Shaq tells him about the school issue around his mouth of marshmallows. He phones the principal next, who explains that the superintendent wants the school system to be shown in a positive light. Oh, so zooming in on random fat children isn't a good thing? Imagine that, Shaq! He calls the superintendent but doesn't get through, so he slams the receiver down and curses extensively, offending my delicate sensibilities.
His next order of business is to get the kids' weight loss on track. He plans to use incentives, or as I thought he said the first several times, "Fsniffsfs." Those always motivate me. Once each kid loses 20 pounds, he'll bring them to a Miami Heat game to meet the players. Ariel is stoked because lezzies love basketball. They're waiting on Chris, James, and Kevin to follow through with their end of the deal. Shaq reminds Walter that he's proud of him, and Walter fellates himself for a bit with merriment. Shaq didn't think Walter could accomplish anything, but hey, Walter can see the tips of his toes now! Truly a landmark of success.
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Comments (4)
I've never watched the show but I will never again miss a recap of it. Bailey Quarters I commend you for ta job well done. Everything was on-point- the snark, the screen caps, the wtf? moments, and making fun of fat kids. I now know that I am not alone in my disgust of the thought of two fat kids making out. And my suspicions of Shaq being "a juvenile delinquent trapped in a superstar's body" are now confirmed. Not to mention the fact that he's a complete bully living in a fantasy world.
1 of 4 | Posted by dolyn
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Posted on July 13, 2007 11:34 AM
This is a great recap.. I have never watched the show but i feel like i have after the complete-ness of your writing BQ.... The kids seem like they just don't get it and why did they pick Shaq as the cheerleader...seriously. I will follow your recaps they are very entertaining!
2 of 4 | Posted by GIFFORDSAZ
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Posted on July 14, 2007 3:05 PM
i never thought that i would find a writer, as much as, i loved b-side. but then there was YOU!
the kid putting his whole head into a bag to eat? that can't be true?
3 of 4 | Posted by reckless_saturn
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Posted on July 17, 2007 5:08 AM
I apologize for taking so long to reply to these, since none of you might see this now, but you're all wonderful! I appreciate the comments so much and I'm thrilled that you agree Shaq is a total wackjob.
reckless_saturn, I am FLATTERED, thank you! Sadly, he really did shove his face in there although the specifics elude me. I imagine he tore the wrappers with his teeth and just swallowed things whole, like a baby bear.
4 of 4 | Posted by Bailey Quarters
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Posted on July 19, 2007 10:53 PM