James waddles in to meet Shaq in private. Shaq explains what they'll speak about, reading his lines directly off a clipboard. He claims Tarik likes James best out of all the kids, although he's completely lying. It delights James though and makes him commit to working harder. Man, kids are gullible as hell.
Tarik thinks the kids have to shine now because the governor is watching. Considering even the school board has turned them away, this is likely false, but we'll humor him anyway. The kids line up on a field and have to do an activity where they pick up a 150-pound tire using strength from their legs. Walter and Chris team up, and Kevin and James are assigned to work together. Whenever I write Kevin and James, I think of Doug from King of Queens, so for simplicity's sake let's just call them Team Doug. Naturally Team Doug fumbles immensely, and then James is sent to work with Ariel. She yells at him to help her, which he doesn't, so Tarik tells James to take a break and let Ariel handle it. That's what you do when a kid is acting useless - let him take a load off. Tarik admonishes him, but just barely.
Meanwhile, Shaq is still hoping to get back into the schools. He's mostly being ignored, so instead of taking any real action, he and Tarik pile into a ridiculously small car to meet James and his mom. It's time for a discussion about James's clownery. If James had watched Flavor of Love: Charm School, he'd know that when you do clownery, the clown comes back to bite. They want to figure out what's going on in his brain, because Tarik says he's shutting off when he should be turning himself on. It's always about gettin' some with these dudes.
James is disheartened when he answers the door, whining that he's tired and was about to go to sleep. It's like 11 in the morning, but okay. Shaq bangs on the living room piano and sings for James to wake up. They all sit down for their chat, and James tells Tarik he dislikes his attitude. Shaq grins cluelessly, and the camera shows an odd shot of Tarik licking his lips feverishly while the family dog does the same. You know you have good material to work with when you're filming a salivating golden retriever. James wants Tarik to be nicer and more fun, but Shaq reminds him that as the team captain, he has to work harder than everyone. They preach to James about how much stronger he can be, while he quietly picks his nose on the couch. Ultimately, James feels he has a better understanding of everyone's viewpoint so he thinks he can succeed now, and then Tarik screams about how Shaq has to rehab his knee. James says what everyone is thinking: "Okay...?"
Two weeks after being kicked out of the school system, Shaq is waiting for a phone call to find out if his trial gym program has been canceled altogether. He calls the principal to pester her again, and she reveals that the program is back on. I know I should feel happy for them, but to be perfectly honest, I was glad Shaq would finally learn what a moron he is. Alas, he is elated. At least, I think he is; he touches his crotch and says thank you, so I guess that's a good thing. Then he tells her that if he were in seventh grade, he would walk right into her office and give her a kiss on the cheek. Shaq's interest in kissing strangers is getting pretty disturbing. He tells the gal that the last time a principal phoned him, it was to tell him he was expelled. She finds no humor in this and does not respond.
It's the midpoint of the program, so it's time for the second President's Physical Fitness Challenge! As usual, they're completely unprepared for what's ahead of them. Ariel's mom squeezes into her best boots and spurs for the occasion, and Kit's paints her face with some kind of cross because she's so hardcore.
They're bringin' sexy back
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Comments (4)
I've never watched the show but I will never again miss a recap of it. Bailey Quarters I commend you for ta job well done. Everything was on-point- the snark, the screen caps, the wtf? moments, and making fun of fat kids. I now know that I am not alone in my disgust of the thought of two fat kids making out. And my suspicions of Shaq being "a juvenile delinquent trapped in a superstar's body" are now confirmed. Not to mention the fact that he's a complete bully living in a fantasy world.
1 of 4 | Posted by dolyn
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Posted on July 13, 2007 11:34 AM
This is a great recap.. I have never watched the show but i feel like i have after the complete-ness of your writing BQ.... The kids seem like they just don't get it and why did they pick Shaq as the cheerleader...seriously. I will follow your recaps they are very entertaining!
2 of 4 | Posted by GIFFORDSAZ
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Posted on July 14, 2007 3:05 PM
i never thought that i would find a writer, as much as, i loved b-side. but then there was YOU!
the kid putting his whole head into a bag to eat? that can't be true?
3 of 4 | Posted by reckless_saturn
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Posted on July 17, 2007 5:08 AM
I apologize for taking so long to reply to these, since none of you might see this now, but you're all wonderful! I appreciate the comments so much and I'm thrilled that you agree Shaq is a total wackjob.
reckless_saturn, I am FLATTERED, thank you! Sadly, he really did shove his face in there although the specifics elude me. I imagine he tore the wrappers with his teeth and just swallowed things whole, like a baby bear.
4 of 4 | Posted by Bailey Quarters
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Posted on July 19, 2007 10:53 PM