When I sat down to look at Shaq's Big Challenge this week, I decided to watch the episode online, which is an odd sort of treat. Naturally you're happy when the file is finally finished loading, but when you remember it's only Shaq's Big Challenge, you feel a little odd - in a good way, though, of course! Who could ever feel bummed about Shaquille O'Neal, the Aristotle of the NBA? Come, join me in Shaq's journey!
The opening montage sums up everything we've seen over the past few weeks, and it reminds us that in two months, Shaq is meeting with Florida's governor to discuss plans to combat childhood obesity. He hopes to have a strategy they can adopt throughout the state. Again he reminds us he's going into the governor's office butt nekked, and oh, how this idea makes him laugh.
Happy happy, joy joy
Also in the montage, we see some new clips of Kit in a bathing suit and Walter stuffing his pimply face. It must be Thanksgiving because he's filling up platters for himself, saying his first plate is dedicated to turkey. God, it's baffling that these children haven't lost more weight.
James trudges into school wearing a t-shirt that says "Getting Better Every Day" on the back, which is pretty mortifying. Maybe tomorrow he can wear a toga with his weight printed on it. He says of all the fast foods he likes, he misses pizza the most, because pizza was cheesy and "flammably delicious." He claims to say this all the time, but I do not know what it means. James thinks the school lunch looks and tastes exactly like fast food, so when kids go home, they feel like they have to eat fast food. I really don't know what that means either. It could be an example of schools setting a principle for kids, but this boy is eleven and generally kind of dumb, so I doubt he made that connection. James believes this type of food is probably what made them all gain most of their weight, and then he burps at the camera by accident. Twice. He says people die from eating fast food, but when the cameraman asks if he'll eat it in the future, of course he says yes. Fatty is as fatty does.
Next, Shaq plans to tackle the lunches. He could just put a stop to all of this by asking the Challengers to bring their lunches from home, but I suppose that would be too simple. At the kids' middle school, their school lunch consists of things like cheeseburgers, corn dogs, grilled cheese, French fries, and ice cream, and holy crap it all looks so good. What kind of cafeteria serves this stuff, seriously? You can't even get grub that good at Golden Corral (or any other huge buffet house, if that helps you). Via video tape, Shaq watches a fat kid eat some cornbread and makes fun of him, saying, "Big boy killin' that cornbread, 'eh?" Admittedly this food is kind of ridiculous, in that it all looks AMAZING, which should violate all cafeteria rules. Hilariously, the school's incentive system for good grades is that if you get all A's, you get free cheeseburgers and ice cream. Dr. Colker shakes his head and says the reward for good grades is dying before the age of 50.
Grease lightnin'!
Shaq takes off to the middle school with Tyler Florence to examine their lunches. A group of kids swarm Tyler as he walks across campus, which, yes - I'm sure these kids are all so familiar with this guy that they'd immediately recognize him and beg for an autograph. As the camera pans back, it's actually a different middle school than where the Challengers previously attended, so if they show up in background shots, then we know this is all BS.
Do our eyes deceive us?
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