We've come a long way, but it's finally the end of Shaq's Big Challenge! This is quite the loss, since you know this is the show everyone's talking about around the water cooler - if you work for the Miami Heat, that is. Have Shaq's programs and the kids finally succeeded? Only time will tell!
Shaq sets off to the field for the final President's Physical Fitness Challenge, and thousands of people fill the bleachers to watch, which is fairly disturbing. Not sure about you, but my idea of a good time isn't watching obese kids run a mile. The whole county shows up with confetti and horns, and everyone goes completely nuts for Shaq's Big Challenge, led by a marching band and a step team. James's drunken mom compares it to the Superbowl. For once, we're in complete agreement. Much like the Superbowl, the commercials will likely be the highlight of the show.
Shaq dances onto the field and chides the crowd for not cheering loudly enough for him. There's an entire orchestra out there, but you can see how that wouldn't be enough enthusiasm. He explains to the crowd that childhood obesity is the most critical issue facing our world today. Yeah, that Darfur shit is totally bogus, man. Then it's time to bring out the kids and see how far they've come.
Chris is up first, weighing 206 pounds at the start. A giant screen rolls footage of how shamefully hefty he was, and even Chris's dad's mole feels embarrassed. After some sad clips, Chris runs out and he is SO SKINNY. He's lost a total of 77 pounds, taking him to 129, and he honestly looks nothing like he did before. His entire face is different! Though he's pretty humble about his progress, he could totally brag as much as he wanted to because he's remarkably, impressively thin!
Skinny minny!
Next in line is Ariel, starting at 211 pounds. Her montage is full of sappy, irritating tears. She comes out and has lost 40 pounds, bringing her down to 171. I found Ariel's Myspace last week, which I won't link to since she's just a kid and blah blah, privacycakes. She totally looked pregnant though, and I was hoping for some confirmation in this episode, since it was taped in June. I can't really determine a final answer yet, but good God in heaven, I can determine her camel toe.
Toeing the line
Kevin is the next Challenger. Despite his original gain of nine pounds, he wound up dropping 52 in all, leaving him at 178. He's not super skinny like Chris, but he definitely looks better! This is probably a good weight for him; his boyfriend will appreciate a little more cushion for the pushin'.
Leading up to James's arrival, the marching band starts swaying and honks out a tune that goes "James, eat your vegetables!" He waddles out and lost 25 pounds, which is...not impressive for a nine-month period. He looks exactly the same, except for a brand new mullet. James finds the vegetable song offensive, so Shaq gets into his face and starts screaming it. When Shaq can't wrestle a kid hard and fast, he settles for a good old fashioned shouting session.
Kit is fifth in line, and if there's anyone who deserves to fail, it's totally Kit. Her clips showcase what a freaking monster she is, emphasizing that over half of her body weight is fat, and she finally comes out 27 pounds lighter. She still weighs 236. Awesomely, as she runs onto the field, her mom kind of shakes her head like, "Dudes, I know. She dropped the ball pretty hard."
Pretty in pink
Walter is last, and his mom is still alive! Her bra is showing, but hey, we'll cut her some slack. Shaq says he fell in love with Walter, causing Kevin to whip out his dick in outrage. At the start, Walt weighed 285 pounds. After sticking to the program, he's lost 64 pounds, putting him at 221. Unfortunately this has not helped his retardation. He runs out and rips his shirt off, and then he shows off his nonexistent muscles while grunting like he's on the toilet. Oddly, the crowd yells, "We love you, Walter!" and he tells them he loves them too. Afterwards, he laments not getting numbers from the girls in the audience. Now that he's 221, everyone wants to hit that. With a metal pole.
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Comments (6)
Hey Bailey Quarters, I've been reading your recaps all season and they are hilarious.
I can't believe some of these fatties lost only 25 pounds in almost a year! Isn't it supposed to be easier for overweight people to drop pounds more quickly (as far as number go)? I mean, sh*t, I'm a pretty healthy person and it only took me 2 months to lose twenty pounds.
1 of 6 | Posted by graceee
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Posted on August 6, 2007 4:43 PM
Thank-you for recapping this show so that I didn't have to watch it myself. I found your recaps to be hilarious, especially this final one.
As a reformed "fat kid" myself, I can't imagine the horror and embarassment of trying to lose weight in the presence of not only a sports-celebrity but also the rest of the televised world... kudos to those l'il scamps!
2 of 6 | Posted by It'sLikeKissingAPeanut!
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Posted on August 6, 2007 5:39 PM
Thanks for writing your recaps so I didn't have to actually watch the show... very funny (especially this last one).
As a reformed "fat kid" I cannot imagine the horror of trying to lose weight in the presence of not only a sports-celebrety, but the rest of the televised world too.
Kudos to those l'il scamps!
3 of 6 | Posted by It'sLikeKissingAPeanut!
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Posted on August 6, 2007 5:43 PM
whoops posted my edited version too... sorry!
I'm new at this.
4 of 6 | Posted by It'sLikeKissingAPeanut!
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Posted on August 6, 2007 5:44 PM
Hey graceee, thanks so much for reading and replying! These kids are totally useless! Maybe it's harder to lose weight since they're so young, but each kid had their very own stair-stepper, not to mention required workouts every single day. They must've been staying hydrated on garlic and butter sauce.
Peanut, Typekey is wonky sometimes so don't worry about the double comment! I appreciate it twice as much. The kids definitely have a lot of courage, to subject themselves to jerks like me making fun of them, but man - having the world watching should be motivation to work hard. James never got that memo!
5 of 6 | Posted by Bailey Quarters
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Posted on August 6, 2007 6:36 PM
Bailey,
I thoroughly enjoyed your recaps - far more than I enjoyed the show to be quite honest. I didn't like all the hype for something you knew the Govenor was going to approve. If he was gonna turn Shaq down there never would have been a televised meeting.
I was blown away by the change in Chris and thought they really should have saved him for last since he was the most transformed. I wonder if Kit and James look at Chris and see what could have been.
I look forward to your I Love New York recaps!
6 of 6 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie
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Posted on August 7, 2007 3:10 PM