Dr. Colker talks about the Challengers' incredible success. Still, they have to do better on their last President's Challenge or they won't have a case for the governor. Colker tells the kids there are children just like them watching this show on TV, and if tonight's results are good, the Challengers will be their inspiration. Kit nods knowingly like she's always bearing that burden. Have I mentioned I can't stand her? Shaq says he's proud of everyone no matter what happens, and then immediately contradicts himself and says they better pull through with some good numbers.
The test starts with sit-ups, and Chris must do 37 to meet the average. Luckily he manages 39 and doesn't embarrass himself in front of the crowd. Through a miracle I can't fathom, James pulls off 47. To celebrate, Tarik hoists him over the shoulder and slaps him repeatedly on the bottom. No one finds that creepy! It's onto push-ups next, because the other kids must not have done very well, and Ariel does 15 more than the average. Her mom grins happily, revealing that she's missing half her teeth. They sho did get some classy folk for this here program!
Yo mama's so toothless, it takes her an hour to eat minute rice
Colker tells the crowd that everyone met the national average, but they'll need a lot of encouragement for the mile run. Pull-ups are a big part of the Fitness Challenge too, but they've never done any of those, so I guess the President doesn't care so much about that aspect. Shaq calls for a huddle, and then the kids line up while the marching band taps out a shitty beat.
And they're off! Everyone is exhausted, but they all put the pedal to the metal. The average mile time for Kevin's stats is 8:06, and he comes in at 7:31. Chris had to beat 9:20, which he does with 7:34. Ariel, who definitely looks pregnant as she's running, makes it in 14 seconds before the average at 9:52. Walter says the screaming crowd motivated him, but even so, he finishes at 10:05 instead of 7:44. James finishes at 12:22 instead of 9:20, namely since he stopped for a Double Whopper in the middle of the race. Kit walks most of her mile, spliced with footage of her failures throughout the past nine months. She crosses the line but they never show her time, so let's assume it took her like 30 minutes. Shaq says she finished thanks to positive thinking, which can take you anywhere you want to go. After all, he's going to meet with the governor and it's all due to his positive attitude! Surely he never doubted the outcome of this project, right? That would be so unlike him.
Now it's time for the kids' medical results, which Shaq claims is the most important part of all. It seems like he cared about their race times a little bit more, but Shaq is always right. He earned that power with his third grade education. At the Miami Children's Hospital, Dr. Muinos gets the kids on treadmills again for another stress test. While Chris runs, Shaq talks about how he took Chris and rebuilt him to be better, stronger, and faster than before. Of course, Shaq wasn't around for 99% of the workout sessions, but it seems appropriate that he gets all the credit.
Walter summarizes his test experience by sharing that baggy pants and treadmills do not mix. Shaq has to physically hold Walter's trousers up, since no one has ever heard of a belt. Lasso him like a pig if you have to, Jesus Christ. Out of nowhere, Walt bursts into a rendition of Hello My Baby. It's a testament to how long I've been recapping this show that I'm not even questioning it. I'm just like, right, it's time for a sing-along. Shaq is positively tickled! Dr. Muinos starts singing with them, but he picks a completely different song that has no relevance. On the contrary, Hello My Baby is so perfect for the treadmill.
Walter says when he first learned about "the whole health thing," he was pretty big. No shit. He's no longer morbidly obese now, although they never say what category he actually fits into, other than large and creepy. Meanwhile, Big Fat Kit can barely fit into the MRI machine for her checkup. Dr. Muinos commends her for not quitting though and upon checking her over, he discovers her cholesterol is no longer abnormal. This brings her mom to tears because her kid might be a sack of lard, but at least her cholesterol is under control!
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Comments (6)
Hey Bailey Quarters, I've been reading your recaps all season and they are hilarious.
I can't believe some of these fatties lost only 25 pounds in almost a year! Isn't it supposed to be easier for overweight people to drop pounds more quickly (as far as number go)? I mean, sh*t, I'm a pretty healthy person and it only took me 2 months to lose twenty pounds.
1 of 6 | Posted by graceee
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Posted on August 6, 2007 4:43 PM
Thank-you for recapping this show so that I didn't have to watch it myself. I found your recaps to be hilarious, especially this final one.
As a reformed "fat kid" myself, I can't imagine the horror and embarassment of trying to lose weight in the presence of not only a sports-celebrity but also the rest of the televised world... kudos to those l'il scamps!
2 of 6 | Posted by It'sLikeKissingAPeanut!
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Posted on August 6, 2007 5:39 PM
Thanks for writing your recaps so I didn't have to actually watch the show... very funny (especially this last one).
As a reformed "fat kid" I cannot imagine the horror of trying to lose weight in the presence of not only a sports-celebrety, but the rest of the televised world too.
Kudos to those l'il scamps!
3 of 6 | Posted by It'sLikeKissingAPeanut!
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Posted on August 6, 2007 5:43 PM
whoops posted my edited version too... sorry!
I'm new at this.
4 of 6 | Posted by It'sLikeKissingAPeanut!
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Posted on August 6, 2007 5:44 PM
Hey graceee, thanks so much for reading and replying! These kids are totally useless! Maybe it's harder to lose weight since they're so young, but each kid had their very own stair-stepper, not to mention required workouts every single day. They must've been staying hydrated on garlic and butter sauce.
Peanut, Typekey is wonky sometimes so don't worry about the double comment! I appreciate it twice as much. The kids definitely have a lot of courage, to subject themselves to jerks like me making fun of them, but man - having the world watching should be motivation to work hard. James never got that memo!
5 of 6 | Posted by Bailey Quarters
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Posted on August 6, 2007 6:36 PM
Bailey,
I thoroughly enjoyed your recaps - far more than I enjoyed the show to be quite honest. I didn't like all the hype for something you knew the Govenor was going to approve. If he was gonna turn Shaq down there never would have been a televised meeting.
I was blown away by the change in Chris and thought they really should have saved him for last since he was the most transformed. I wonder if Kit and James look at Chris and see what could have been.
I look forward to your I Love New York recaps!
6 of 6 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie
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Posted on August 7, 2007 3:10 PM