Dr. Muinos says even though some kids didn't do so well, it's significant that they all succeeded. By far though, the best child was Chris, who completely surpassed his weight loss goal. Shaq calls him a sexy beast, an appropriate comment for any adult to make about a young boy. Why not compliment his cock ring, too?
There are two days left before seeing the governor, so Shaq checks up on his three pilot programs. The after-school weight loss program expanded to over 200 kids, including an overweight dwarf in a motorized wheelchair. He has half a neck, so yeah, this seems like the perfect program for him to participate in. Get him on the track for the mile! Shaq asks the kid to throw a football for a touchdown, and even the dwarf looks like he's wondering "Why the hell am I here?"
After playtime, Shaq and Colker meet with community leaders from the YMCA, the Boys and Girls Clubs, and the mayor of Broward County. It's worth mentioning that his name is Josephus Eggelletion, Jr., which is the grandest name I've ever seen. They all take a seat on some folding chairs awkwardly placed in the middle of the field; I can only hope when Shaq meets with the governor, they have their session in the backseat of his car. The entire discussion consists of Mr. Eggelletion saying Broward County is proud of Shaq, and then everyone gets up and leaves. That wasn't a time-filler at all!
At Pines Middle School, it's the last meal of Tyler's lunch program. Supposedly Tyler's been refining his selections over the semester, and though I doubt that pretty severely, he's finally brought his budget down to a dollar per plate. Today's lunch is teriyaki chicken with ginger rice. Shaq covers his teeth in a mold of food as he serves lunch to the kids, telling them to step right up and get some chicken. He sounds just like Lou Ferrigno.
Hyuck hyuck hyuck
Over at Olsen Middle School, and it kills me that they differentiate between the two and yet somehow the kids attend both, Shaq inquires about the Wellness Wheel. Actor Frank Angelucci reports it's been a success across the board. He proves this by bringing Shaq outside to the field, where they wrap their arms around each other and jump up and down about how good the idea was. Nothing like fellating yourself in the middle of the day, hey boys? Angelucci says the entire class was overweight when they began the program, but now every student is below that level. Liar. He also claims GPAs rose from 2.3 to 2.5, which means these kids are both fat and stupid. Since Shaq is both of those things, he's delighted and invites Angelucci to meet the governor. He accepts, and oh boy, the governor will be thrilled.
The kids head out to pick up outfits for the meeting. Ariel opts to try on a pantsuit, since she's a dyke, and then asks the clerk if he'd like her to try on anything else. He gives her a once-over that means "You are enormous," but she tries on more outfits anyway. After shopping, Kevin's parents take him to a place called Hair Style for a cut. Who trusts a place with a name like that? That's like going to the Scissor Shack for an operation - never a smart plan. Kevin's mom asks if he ever thought he'd look this good, and he says he had dreams about it. This makes her cry because Kevin is gay, and she doesn't like that he dreams about men. Back at the store, Walter tries on a suit paired with sandals and says, "Look out, John Travolta, here I come! He's not still alive, is he?" Walter is retarded.
For the big trip to Tallahassee, Shaq surprisingly charters a stretch limo for the Challengers, which carts them off to a private jet. He asks the kids if they like his plane and says, "You could get one, too, if you had a Marquis Jet Card." Then he cocks his head and smiles at the camera. My, I wonder if Marquis Jet sponsors this show! As they travel along, Chris reads over his notecards, which is so freaking cute and studious, I just want to pinch his cheeks. On the other hand, Kevin rambles about how they're going to change "the whole obesity matter." Oh, is that what it's called? Thanks for the technical info.
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Comments (6)
Hey Bailey Quarters, I've been reading your recaps all season and they are hilarious.
I can't believe some of these fatties lost only 25 pounds in almost a year! Isn't it supposed to be easier for overweight people to drop pounds more quickly (as far as number go)? I mean, sh*t, I'm a pretty healthy person and it only took me 2 months to lose twenty pounds.
1 of 6 | Posted by graceee
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Posted on August 6, 2007 4:43 PM
Thank-you for recapping this show so that I didn't have to watch it myself. I found your recaps to be hilarious, especially this final one.
As a reformed "fat kid" myself, I can't imagine the horror and embarassment of trying to lose weight in the presence of not only a sports-celebrity but also the rest of the televised world... kudos to those l'il scamps!
2 of 6 | Posted by It'sLikeKissingAPeanut!
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Posted on August 6, 2007 5:39 PM
Thanks for writing your recaps so I didn't have to actually watch the show... very funny (especially this last one).
As a reformed "fat kid" I cannot imagine the horror of trying to lose weight in the presence of not only a sports-celebrety, but the rest of the televised world too.
Kudos to those l'il scamps!
3 of 6 | Posted by It'sLikeKissingAPeanut!
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Posted on August 6, 2007 5:43 PM
whoops posted my edited version too... sorry!
I'm new at this.
4 of 6 | Posted by It'sLikeKissingAPeanut!
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Posted on August 6, 2007 5:44 PM
Hey graceee, thanks so much for reading and replying! These kids are totally useless! Maybe it's harder to lose weight since they're so young, but each kid had their very own stair-stepper, not to mention required workouts every single day. They must've been staying hydrated on garlic and butter sauce.
Peanut, Typekey is wonky sometimes so don't worry about the double comment! I appreciate it twice as much. The kids definitely have a lot of courage, to subject themselves to jerks like me making fun of them, but man - having the world watching should be motivation to work hard. James never got that memo!
5 of 6 | Posted by Bailey Quarters
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Posted on August 6, 2007 6:36 PM
Bailey,
I thoroughly enjoyed your recaps - far more than I enjoyed the show to be quite honest. I didn't like all the hype for something you knew the Govenor was going to approve. If he was gonna turn Shaq down there never would have been a televised meeting.
I was blown away by the change in Chris and thought they really should have saved him for last since he was the most transformed. I wonder if Kit and James look at Chris and see what could have been.
I look forward to your I Love New York recaps!
6 of 6 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie
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Posted on August 7, 2007 3:10 PM