Everyone disembarks and piles into another limo, accompanied by all the experts. Ariel says if the governor won't take any action, they'll have to go bigger. Surely the president will be moved to tears when he finds out a kid can lose 25 whole pounds in nine months. Aces! The limo pulls up to the Florida State Capital for the much-anticipated appointment. Educated people know the building is actually called the Florida State Capitol, but the subtitle clearly says the former. I guess you learn something new every day! As my friend EvilPuppy put it, the editing for this show is done in Shaq's basement.
Shaq decides that if the governor doesn't do what he says, then they'll have to start over at ground zero. This is different from what I was expecting, which was that he'd straddle him into submission. All the Challengers sweat and squirm while they wait for the meeting. What's great is that they splice in footage of them talking about what a big deal it is to meet with the governor, but the clips are clearly from the early weeks of the program. Chris is enormous in his film, so the editor cropped the shot tight around his face to try to make him look different. You can't fool me, Final Cut Pro!
Finally the governor, Charlie Crist, arrives in the conference room. He tells Shaq it's an honor to have him there, which it isn't, and then Shaq launches into his plan. Since Shaq wasn't in school long enough to learn about public speaking, he reads directly off a sheet of printer paper. Punctuation also eludes him, so he reads as if everything were one long sentence. Brilliant! Governor Crist leans forward and frowns throughout the speech, which is the universal symbol for "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, foo?"
You're getting veeeery sleeeepy
Dale interjects about how the word "crisis" isn't severe enough to describe how our apathy has zzzzz. When Dale goes off on a tangent, the whole room tends to tune out, so forgive me for following suit. Tyler interrupts and says he brought Governor Crist some lunch. On the left side of the tray, plates are piled with fast food, and on the right is an identical lunch from Pines Middle School. Then he shows his teriyaki chicken and ginger rice. As the camera backs up, the kids are literally hanging on the table, salivating. Skinny in body, fat at heart. Tyler says he saw a trail of drool coming from the governor's mouth too, which is quite the classy comment to make about someone who's deciding your fate.
The governor says if the food costs the same, he absolutely thinks they should make the switch to healthier meals. Joy Behar suggests including food plans on every website for the state of Florida, that way parents can log on and help their family. The governor immediately commends her. In return, she creams her panties.
The assistant principal of Olsen Middle speaks to the governor next, followed by a very nervous Frank Angelucci. He should know his lines a little better, being an actor and all. James clearly finds the whole event mind numbing, so he slouches across the table and drums his fingers against it. At this, Shaq hisses "Sit up! Sit up!" That's probably the most professional way to go about it, but it's also fucking hilarious. The kids don't seem to have any involvement in the meeting, other than the governor randomly rubbing Ariel's shoulder as Tarik starts his spiel. Wait a second, maybe she's carrying the governor's baby! The mystery is unraveled!
Governor Crist says Tarik's work with the children is one of the most exciting things he's ever seen. His life is dull. That's Walter's cue to stand up and start speaking, much to my disappointment. I've had fun recapping this show, but mother of pearl, I'll be glad not to see Walter's face anymore. He ends all his phrases with a question mark and follows up by mentioning that barely anyone picks on him anymore. He's going to be one sad panda when he Googles his name and finds our site.
James shares that he enjoyed this program because now it's easier to beat his friends up, and Kevin says, "I want to give you a message. It's time for a change, and that time is now." When kids talk like that, it seriously makes me want to throttle them. Shut your sass mouth, you're 13 goddamn years old.
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Comments (6)
Hey Bailey Quarters, I've been reading your recaps all season and they are hilarious.
I can't believe some of these fatties lost only 25 pounds in almost a year! Isn't it supposed to be easier for overweight people to drop pounds more quickly (as far as number go)? I mean, sh*t, I'm a pretty healthy person and it only took me 2 months to lose twenty pounds.
1 of 6 | Posted by graceee
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Posted on August 6, 2007 4:43 PM
Thank-you for recapping this show so that I didn't have to watch it myself. I found your recaps to be hilarious, especially this final one.
As a reformed "fat kid" myself, I can't imagine the horror and embarassment of trying to lose weight in the presence of not only a sports-celebrity but also the rest of the televised world... kudos to those l'il scamps!
2 of 6 | Posted by It'sLikeKissingAPeanut!
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Posted on August 6, 2007 5:39 PM
Thanks for writing your recaps so I didn't have to actually watch the show... very funny (especially this last one).
As a reformed "fat kid" I cannot imagine the horror of trying to lose weight in the presence of not only a sports-celebrety, but the rest of the televised world too.
Kudos to those l'il scamps!
3 of 6 | Posted by It'sLikeKissingAPeanut!
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Posted on August 6, 2007 5:43 PM
whoops posted my edited version too... sorry!
I'm new at this.
4 of 6 | Posted by It'sLikeKissingAPeanut!
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Posted on August 6, 2007 5:44 PM
Hey graceee, thanks so much for reading and replying! These kids are totally useless! Maybe it's harder to lose weight since they're so young, but each kid had their very own stair-stepper, not to mention required workouts every single day. They must've been staying hydrated on garlic and butter sauce.
Peanut, Typekey is wonky sometimes so don't worry about the double comment! I appreciate it twice as much. The kids definitely have a lot of courage, to subject themselves to jerks like me making fun of them, but man - having the world watching should be motivation to work hard. James never got that memo!
5 of 6 | Posted by Bailey Quarters
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Posted on August 6, 2007 6:36 PM
Bailey,
I thoroughly enjoyed your recaps - far more than I enjoyed the show to be quite honest. I didn't like all the hype for something you knew the Govenor was going to approve. If he was gonna turn Shaq down there never would have been a televised meeting.
I was blown away by the change in Chris and thought they really should have saved him for last since he was the most transformed. I wonder if Kit and James look at Chris and see what could have been.
I look forward to your I Love New York recaps!
6 of 6 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie
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Posted on August 7, 2007 3:10 PM