Readers: You praised Bailey with perfect scores like none we have seen in recent memory, and we took your hint. Please welcome your newest staff writer, the gorgeous and talented Bailey Quarters!
Several years ago, when ye olde internet was still pretty new, I applied for an online game where you had to put in your character's physical make-up -- height, weight, etc. I had no idea what a normal woman weighed, and it never occurred to me to pop those stats into Yahoo. I never knew anyone who announced their weight, and since we had many family friends who resembled the Michelin Man, I just placed my best guess. My normal woman weighed a cool 245 pounds, and her trademark was wearing leather pants and a cowboy hat. Why I wasn't accepted for the game was baffling to me!
Shaq is ready to take on that kind of mentality by whipping six young Florida fatties into shape on Shaq's Big Challenge, and I love these kids already because I think they would've seen that 245 and raised it to a solid 4 hundo. I defy you to find anything better! Welcome to Shaq's Big Challenge!
Away we go!
The show opens with a dramatic montage informing us that children will die younger than their parents. Right away we see one of The Chosen Six being loaded into an ambulance, glancing mournfully at the camera, and if you're anything like me then you are now officially hooked for the season. The narrator explains that the government has done nothing to stop childhood obesity, and I imagine the government is enjoying a hearty laugh at this moment. A good way to stop childhood obesity is to not let your child eat a Belgian waffle encased in a pizza, Mom.
One man is ready to take on the challenge of curing this disease, and it's Shaquille O'Neal, who immediately starts speaking in the third person. He said to himself, Shaquille O'Neal, do something. Great! He immediately calls the children the Bad News Bears of fitness, and in return, the largest boy of the crew farts on him during a sit-up. We're only one minute in and already this show is all fat jokes and fart jokes. I am in love. Shaq will provide the kids with a staff including a trainer and a nutritionist, who asks one boy the last time he ate a baby carrot. He says never, but in his defense, he's 182 pounds at age 11. He didn't gain that weight from eating baby carrots, he was too busy gnoshing on an actual baby.
Shaq plans to take this challenge to schools and the government, which seems a bit over the top for an ABC reality show. Already he seems like an asshole about all of it, slamming his fists on his gym equipment and marching pissily down the hallway. Shaq is the kind of dude who would audition for American Idol and then tell Simon that he's sooo much better than that stupid show anyway. One of his advisors tells him this will be harder than those four NBA rings he has (braggart), and Shaq shrugs it off and says everything will be easy. Sure it will be. He then announces the slogan for the show and looks so immensely proud of it, you want to like it, but it's "To be or not to be fat, that is what the program is about." Um. Does this series not have a writing team?
The show finally starts and Shaq says he has six kids of his own (holy shit) so this will be easy for him. He plays some basketball with his kid and jokingly berates him, or at least it sounds that way, but Shaq speaks as though he has a mouth full of marbles so it's hard to tell. This is a shame because he's going over plans like arriving to the governor's office butt nekked, and I totally want the deets.
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Comments (10)
I normally just stop by TVgasm for a quick laugh fix and didn't want to waste my time signing up for an account. Because I was already wasting so much of it reading. But after reading Bailey Quarter's review I had to- just to say BRAVO!! i haven't laughed like that is a long time- i was about to pee myself i was laughing so hard. my boyfriend and dog both started whimpering around me. thank you!
1 of 10 | Posted by reckless_saturn![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on July 2, 2007 6:04 PM
Aw, thanks for the kind review reckless_saturn!! So glad you liked it!
2 of 10 | Posted by Bailey Quarters![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on July 2, 2007 9:43 PM
I rarely comment. Just like these kids I'm too lazy to even sign in most of the time. But I had to make the effort to congratulate Bailey Quarters on such a fine debut. Funny, funny stuff. Oh, if at all possible, please include as much Shaq bashing as humanly possible. He seems to be competing for most annoying host on tv, admittedly a crowded field, but he is giving it the old college try.
3 of 10 | Posted by bdos88![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on July 2, 2007 10:07 PM
Bravo, Bailey, bravo!
I have to admit I couldn't make it through this episode because after watching Shaq for about 5 minutes, I couldn't believe that he survived as long as he has being as stupid as he is. But, after a great recap like that, I may just have to tune in to see what its about.
4 of 10 | Posted by BlueEyedAngel![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on July 3, 2007 2:20 PM
Thanks so much for the great comments, bdos and BlueEyed! I don't blame either of you if you can't make it through Shaq's nonsense, but I promise to rag on him as much as possible. You can live through me!
5 of 10 | Posted by Bailey Quarters![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on July 3, 2007 10:57 PM
So after reading this hilarious recap, I caught an episode of this show and I AM HOOKED.
Shaq + crying children = comedy GOLD
6 of 10 | Posted by kmills![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on July 5, 2007 9:42 AM
Great recap- I haven't laughed this hard at anything on Tvgasm in a long time! Thanks for reminding me to watch this train wreck.
7 of 10 | Posted by joslyn![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on July 5, 2007 1:04 PM
Shaq is known as the Big Aristotle in the NBA for his supposed wit and wisdom. Something tells me Aristotle woulnd't advocate diet pills for kids!
Thanks for the hilarious recap and creative Shaq-bashing. I guess 7 feet and 300 pounds trumps idiocy every time. The irony is that in any other country, Shaq would have starved to death long ago. And did I mention this recap was awesome? I've read it 3 times just for the laughs.
8 of 10 | Posted by swimbikerun![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on July 5, 2007 1:56 PM
kmills, I'm thrilled someone else is watching! There's probably only a few of us, but it's ADDICTIVE. Addictive with its badness. So glad you liked the recap!
joslyn, thank you so much for the comment! I hope you watch and enjoy, I promise it's wondrous.
swimbikerun, it delights me to no end that Shaq is the smartest guy in the NBA. I want all basketball players to get a TV show now! There would be so many wisdom nuggets. Thank you for being a recap fan, I'm flattered you read it so many times!
9 of 10 | Posted by Bailey Quarters![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on July 5, 2007 4:29 PM
OK - I finally caught up on this show so that I could check out your recap.
I was wondering how you were going to handle the delicate task of recapping a show with children. Nice to see you choose not to let the fact that they are kids impact your ability to mock them. Actually that sounded critical of me - in reality I think you were snarky without being cruel - which IS a good thing. :)
I am not sure if Shaq was actually seriously considering giving the kids diet pills or lipo - I think he brought that up to show people that those methods are not the right way to go to start a healthier lifestyle.
I do hope they can make a serious impact on these kids lives - most of them seem sweet and I'd like to see them make a change. But it looks like the families are going to be the real issue. These kids are too young to drive - so they didn't bring all that unhealthy food into their homes. The parents need to be on a program as well. I think it would be cool to show the parents working out with the kids. I think that would help these kids succeed both short and longterm.
And good call on the head bumping - I am going to get real tired of that little game of Shaq's real quick. We get it -he's tall.
10 of 10 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on July 7, 2007 9:16 AM