The kids finish their clipboards of activities and generally put in a decent amount of effort. Chris says he feels good and has never done this before. On the second day, Walter shows up and immediately trips down a step when he enters the gym. Kevin comes in and says "Hey Walter!" queerly, and James then reveals that the other three kids aren't there. Oooh, Shaq's gonna have to smash some plates.
On the third day, no one shows up. Natch.
Shaq is having a media day, and he kvetches about the show a little bit before leaving to check on the kids. Now we cut to Week 2, in an example of great continuity, and the gay kid seems to mock Walter while he exercises on the treadmill. Just because you can do six push-ups doesn't mean you can harass him, Kev! He asks a series of insulting questions and then asks, "How fast you goin', Walter?" When Walter says 0.5 miles per hour, Kevin replies, "UH-HUH!" What a brat.
Shaq phones the kids from his car, and Walter seems to genuinely have no idea who's on the other line. He's told to keep working hard and eating right, so the next shot is of him doing an interview while curled up on a filthy gym mat. Chris runs up and bounces a yoga ball off of Walter's stomach. Chris proves to be more of a jerkoff, lying to Shaq on the phone about how hard he's been working. In reality, he's been doing five sit-ups and marking it down as 25. He bounces the yoga ball off Walter again and then promises Shaq he's not lying. I'm sure that fun game was on the checklist, no worries!
All the kids are sitting around doing nothing, and Shaq says some people don't know what it means to work hard. We cut to him exercising intensely, and when the trainer says he thinks the kids will disappoint him, Shaq insists that he's never wrong and he never fails. You just want to knee him in the crotch, right? He finishes a workout and throws his weights to the floor in a sweaty burst of rage. He says the kids are doing their full workouts because "I'm a superstar, I know they're telling the truth." I want to punch Shaq in the mouth.
Dr. Colker shows up at the kids' gym on a spy mission to see if they're actually exercising. After recording some footage, Doc goes to Shaq's palace and wanders through his countless number of rooms to find him. This is basically a showcase on how great Shaq's got it. He eventually turns up at a bench near the river, which is apparently his backyard? Maybe Shaq is occasionally homeless.
They go inside to insert the DVD, which Shaq is instructed to watch and weep. Chris proves to be exceptionally useless, doing movements that can't even be called crunches. James lolls on the treadmill, resting his head and moving impossibly slowly. The doctor has never seen anything so pathetic in his entire life. That is, until we cut back to Chris, who checks off all the exercises on his daily list without doing them. He's now my favorite, until he kicks a yoga ball into Ariel's bespectacled face. Walter hides behind that message board to escape the flying balls. It's funny, I would've expected Kevin to get more into that one.
After a few more clips of mediocrity, Shaq says it's boot camp time. He smashes a glass against a table and says no more Mr. Nice Guy.
Will Shaq lay down the law? Which kid is the worst? Is Shaq the biggest asshole you've ever seen? Leave your thoughts!
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Comments (10)
I normally just stop by TVgasm for a quick laugh fix and didn't want to waste my time signing up for an account. Because I was already wasting so much of it reading. But after reading Bailey Quarter's review I had to- just to say BRAVO!! i haven't laughed like that is a long time- i was about to pee myself i was laughing so hard. my boyfriend and dog both started whimpering around me. thank you!
1 of 10 | Posted by reckless_saturn
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Posted on July 2, 2007 6:04 PM
Aw, thanks for the kind review reckless_saturn!! So glad you liked it!
2 of 10 | Posted by Bailey Quarters
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Posted on July 2, 2007 9:43 PM
I rarely comment. Just like these kids I'm too lazy to even sign in most of the time. But I had to make the effort to congratulate Bailey Quarters on such a fine debut. Funny, funny stuff. Oh, if at all possible, please include as much Shaq bashing as humanly possible. He seems to be competing for most annoying host on tv, admittedly a crowded field, but he is giving it the old college try.
3 of 10 | Posted by bdos88
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Posted on July 2, 2007 10:07 PM
Bravo, Bailey, bravo!
I have to admit I couldn't make it through this episode because after watching Shaq for about 5 minutes, I couldn't believe that he survived as long as he has being as stupid as he is. But, after a great recap like that, I may just have to tune in to see what its about.
4 of 10 | Posted by BlueEyedAngel
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Posted on July 3, 2007 2:20 PM
Thanks so much for the great comments, bdos and BlueEyed! I don't blame either of you if you can't make it through Shaq's nonsense, but I promise to rag on him as much as possible. You can live through me!
5 of 10 | Posted by Bailey Quarters
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Posted on July 3, 2007 10:57 PM
So after reading this hilarious recap, I caught an episode of this show and I AM HOOKED.
Shaq + crying children = comedy GOLD
6 of 10 | Posted by kmills
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Posted on July 5, 2007 9:42 AM
Great recap- I haven't laughed this hard at anything on Tvgasm in a long time! Thanks for reminding me to watch this train wreck.
7 of 10 | Posted by joslyn
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Posted on July 5, 2007 1:04 PM
Shaq is known as the Big Aristotle in the NBA for his supposed wit and wisdom. Something tells me Aristotle woulnd't advocate diet pills for kids!
Thanks for the hilarious recap and creative Shaq-bashing. I guess 7 feet and 300 pounds trumps idiocy every time. The irony is that in any other country, Shaq would have starved to death long ago. And did I mention this recap was awesome? I've read it 3 times just for the laughs.
8 of 10 | Posted by swimbikerun
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Posted on July 5, 2007 1:56 PM
kmills, I'm thrilled someone else is watching! There's probably only a few of us, but it's ADDICTIVE. Addictive with its badness. So glad you liked the recap!
joslyn, thank you so much for the comment! I hope you watch and enjoy, I promise it's wondrous.
swimbikerun, it delights me to no end that Shaq is the smartest guy in the NBA. I want all basketball players to get a TV show now! There would be so many wisdom nuggets. Thank you for being a recap fan, I'm flattered you read it so many times!
9 of 10 | Posted by Bailey Quarters
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Posted on July 5, 2007 4:29 PM
OK - I finally caught up on this show so that I could check out your recap.
I was wondering how you were going to handle the delicate task of recapping a show with children. Nice to see you choose not to let the fact that they are kids impact your ability to mock them. Actually that sounded critical of me - in reality I think you were snarky without being cruel - which IS a good thing. :)
I am not sure if Shaq was actually seriously considering giving the kids diet pills or lipo - I think he brought that up to show people that those methods are not the right way to go to start a healthier lifestyle.
I do hope they can make a serious impact on these kids lives - most of them seem sweet and I'd like to see them make a change. But it looks like the families are going to be the real issue. These kids are too young to drive - so they didn't bring all that unhealthy food into their homes. The parents need to be on a program as well. I think it would be cool to show the parents working out with the kids. I think that would help these kids succeed both short and longterm.
And good call on the head bumping - I am going to get real tired of that little game of Shaq's real quick. We get it -he's tall.
10 of 10 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie
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Posted on July 7, 2007 9:16 AM