Have you ever been sitting there in your cubicle, staring at an Excel spreadsheet for six hours straight and typing in scads of teeny-tiny figures while the ass-kissing twats in your office yuk it up in the high-walled cube next to yours that contains your boss, skating their way out of doing any real work and pretending to ooh and aah over the 8 skillion pictures of her yappy little Bichon Frise (whom you have ever-increasingly frequent fantasies of dubbing "Precious" and throwing down a well with a dirty chubby girl trapped in some sociopath's basement) and the queerest sense of déjà vu washes over you, making you feel like you've already lived this day before, pretty much every day, for the last 17 years or so, to the point where you consider setting the communal coffee machine on fire, because at least then it would be something different??!?

...eh, me neither, I was just asking...

However, on tonight's episode of Shear Genius we are handed a hefty hunk of déjà vu, because this is the photo-shoot challenge that unravelled the wrapped-none-too-tight-to-begin-with Dr. Boogie last season...

...nope, still not gay, girlfriend!...

*sigh* I kinda miss the good Doctor and all of his Whitney-esque finger-wagging. I wonder if Vivica Fox ever found him and beat the shit out of him for having claimed to have done red-carpet hair for her just before he boned it on this challenge last season? Hmmmm. Anyways, there are a few surprises, and both a happy and a sad ending to tonight's episode... come join me as we glide through the torrents of mist after the jump...

Posted by J-Mo< at 9:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Welcome back all ye ever-faithful Gasmii who read these insanely long recaps that fly forth from the limp-wristed hands of El Chubbo Homo known as J-Mo. It is so hard to believe that it's been an entire two months since we began this journey together and watching the fabulously exciting and dramatic Shear Genius on Bravo, and we are rapidly coming down to the final challenge... and things can only get pricklier as the number of available breathing punching bags in Casa De Malo Pelo continues to dwindle... but tonight we are actually treated to some light-hearted fun and games, and a healthy shot of saccharinely adorable children...

...Charlie And The Children Factory...

And I must take a moment out to say that yet another one of my little dreams came true in my sad little life this week... No, I didn't get chosen as Miss Gay Fat Boy Of The Universe (although I have my costume and acceptance speech at the ready)... No, this week Bitchy Charlie posted a comment on last week's recap, and it seems he loves the 'Gasm, and has been enjoying my somewhat totally skewed take on the antics of Season Two Stylestants, which proves that he has an awesome sense of humor considering the fact that I have made some completely unfair and inappropriate comments regarding some of the work he has done on this show. Let's face it, if I were in his shoes, I probably would have come traipsing down to Phoenix and hunted me down for a head-rolling snap-off and possibly a slap-n-scratchfight (and honey, you'd have to catch me first, cuz I may be a lard ass, but I can run like the wind... especially if you tell me there are donuts at the end of the block). Anyhow, I was so completely and utterly thrilled that I lost what little cool I had and promised to be Charlie's slave at some point, so photos of me tied up may surface on the internet at some point. Again. But let's chat about the show after the jump, shall we?

Posted by J-Mo< at 9:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Well, here we are once again, and I managed to out-write the publishing platform! No matter, I'm getting better at this all the time... when we last left off with our stylestants, they were getting ridiculously drunk and impersonating the previous loozahs of the season (and Bitchy Charlie's Nekisa impression was to die for!)

...honey, he's wearing them pumps like a pro... you GO Charkisa!...

Of course, nobody made any mention of Female Glenn or Parker The Prick. Well, sometimes when you get kicked off of Shear Genius you are destined to only have 20 seconds of catch up on the reunion show (like anyone's really gonna care what Oshun's been up to since he got booted off in Episode 1!). What started off as a very sweet and silly and fun episode just gets sweeter and sillier and funner... Come join me for Part Dos after the jump!

Posted by J-Mo< at 8:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Good evening dearest gasmii, and welcome to another episode of the possibly-well-rated real-ality Bravo TV hair-styling competition show Shear Genius! This was a very exciting week in so many ways. I finally discovered what makes Exotic Nekisa so exotic... she is Iranian! And did you know that she was "Iranian Of The Day" on July 24th, 2008 according to the website Iranian.com? Me neither! We learn something new every day...

...and in tonight's episode we also learn that food = hair care products, canine hairstyling is not an automatic skill, and everybody on this show hates everybody else on this show!! With the exception of Jaclyn Smith. Everybody loves her! Except Kate Jackson. We take a big ol' bite of the hefty hatred hotdog after the jump...

Posted by J-Mo< at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)

Once upon a time, there were seven little stylists who went to the Shear Genius Cosmetology Academy... and they were each assigned very hazardous challenges... but *I* took them away from all of that... and now they work for me... my name... is J-Mo! "... dt-tss-dt-tss-dt-tss-dt-tss-dt-tss-dt-tss-dt-tss-dt-tss, dooo-de-dooooooo de doo-doo-doo dooo-de-dooooooo de doo-doo-dooooooooooo..."

...yes, on tonight's episode of Shear Genius we are treated to more drag queen hair, more rollercoaster rides of emotion, and even some more tears (Paulo)... but unlike last week where we were hamstrung from really releasing our inner bitches in the face of innocent alopecia victims, this week there's a huge bitch-fest at Casa De Malo Pelo... Lesbiana Dee and Exotic Nekisa find their relationship consummated with the help of Bitchy Charlie... and Kate Jackson still feels the sting of being "the smart one" even 30 years after the fact! Grab your Super-Mega-Hold Aqua-Net (white can with pink lettering!) and your pick and let's jump right on in after the jump!!!....

Posted by J-Mo< at 1:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Helloooooooo gasmii! I am so sorry about the length of time required to get this recap to you! As you may or may not recall, I was in Louisville, KY this weekend helping my drag queen friend compete for National Entertainer Of The Year, and let me tell you, when we finished, the bottoms of my dancing shoes were completely caked with glitter, sequins, rhinestones... and hair (ew)! Amazingly, I heard this past week's episode of Shear Genius being discussed by several people, quite possibly because the challenge to our hapless stylestants this week involved none other than WIGS...

...and if it's one thing bitches like these know, it's wigs. That, and how to spot someone holding up a dollar tip in the dark up to 500 paces away. Oh yeah, and how to use stiletto heels as real stilettos. We were lucky to escape with our lives and our dental work. But anyhow, even more amazing than the challenges this week was the fact that not only did Paulo cry (no, really) but almost everyone else did, too, and that's why this week was a Very Special Episode that is going to be hatefully hard to make fun of... but then again, if this past weekend proved anything, it's that I'm always up for a challenge... and a Bud Light. You're gonna love it, and it all begins after the jump...

Posted by J-Mo< at 12:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)

Well, well, well, here we are again... when we last left our fearless stylestants of Shear Genius, a fight had broken out between Lesbiana Dee and Bitchy Charlie over whether or not the Short Cut Challenge called "Nexxus Salon Swap" had truly showcased their talents... Lesbiana Dee was of the opinion that she had won by skill whereas Charlie seemed to believe she got lucky and that her client's hair had been the least likely to cause Jaclyn Smith and VampiRoy Teeluck to explosively vomit all over each other. And speaking of pukey, I almost forgot to mention that at this point in private interview, Bitchy Charlie had this interesting nugget to impart... "Everybody's always running around, like "We're friends, we all get along!", well that's a fucking lie, we do not like each other, and I am the only one that tells the truth! I have three faces, the two I use during the day... and the one I use to stab you in the back!"

...Charlie's "stabby face" and Meredith's "drunk and ready to pass out face"...

They were both effectively silenced when Drag Queen Meredith reminded them they were being assholes. And with that, we continue after the jump!

Posted by J-Mo< at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Hello hair-hoppers! You know, there is an old saying in drag-queen circles that says "Never let 'em see your penis... unless they pay extra, in cash, up front!"... and that really is an apropos statement in regards to tonight's episode of Shear Genius, because there is so much genitalia exposed, you might think you've turned gay. If you're still watching this show after three episodes, you probably already are.

...introducing Miss Man Hands 2008...

In tonight's episode we learn that Drag Queen Meredith has huh-yooge balls, we see Bitchy Charlie almost completely lose his, and Lesbiana Dee tries to show everybody just how big her dick really is.... oh, and Über-Gay Paulo cries (almost forgot). Get ready to become an armchair gynecologist after the jump!

Posted by J-Mo< at 4:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Well, I'll be damned! I didn't think my powers of chit-chat and gab could outlast the publishing platform, but it seems that although I saved it, the very last part of my recap was cut off! I promise, this coda is gonna be short!

Where were we? Oh yeah, they brought the six trembling adults back and Female Glenn, Bitchy Charlie and Emo Gail get called up first. Gail actually smiles, because her wish to be in the Top Three actually came true! She looks really pretty when she smiles!...

..."So this is what it's like to not suck?... Me liiiiiiiiikes!"...

Posted by J-Mo< at 12:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Hey y'all, it's me, J-Mo, back again to wade through the clouds of hairspray and styling mousse... wait, does anybody even use "styling mousse" any more?... like, do you remember in the 80's they used to have this totally awesome Clairol product called "Pazazz" and it was this super rad hair mousse that had tiny color crystals in it (a.k.a. "glitter") that would wash out after one use? You could choose one of four colors from "glittery gold", "beautiful bronze", "ravishing rose" and "cheap whore". I used to buy that shit by the caseload and not only use it on my long, luxurious blonde hair, but sometimes rub it on my skin, too, so I'd have color crystals everywhere. My bedroom became one giant glittery mess, and I loved it. Why oh why do they always take these fabulous products off the market? *sigh*

...no longer available due to toxic glitter overload in gay teens with long, luxurious blonde hair...

Posted by J-Mo< at 8:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)