Good evening dearest gasmii, and welcome to another episode of the possibly-well-rated real-ality Bravo TV hair-styling competition show Shear Genius! This was a very exciting week in so many ways. I finally discovered what makes Exotic Nekisa so exotic... she is Iranian! And did you know that she was "Iranian Of The Day" on July 24th, 2008 according to the website Iranian.com? Me neither! We learn something new every day...
...and in tonight's episode we also learn that food = hair care products, canine hairstyling is not an automatic skill, and everybody on this show hates everybody else on this show!! With the exception of Jaclyn Smith. Everybody loves her! Except Kate Jackson. We take a big ol' bite of the hefty hatred hotdog after the jump...
As we roll through the now-familiar opening sequence, I thought I should capture a sobering image as a warning to all of you reading this now...
...You reeeeeallly don't want this a-hummin' comin' atcha...
...see how Dallas Daniel is sashaying away from her in abject terror? Bitch is fuckin' scary, and tonight the gloves are reeeeally off from all of our stylestants, not just our Lesbiana Dee (whom I really should start calling "Hypocritical Self-Delusional Easily-Distracted-By-Persian-Titties Lesbiana Dee" but HSDEDBPTL-Dee is a tad cumbersome, so fuck it... oh, and by the way, grrrlfriend is not exactly the brightest bulb in the chandelier... in her online blog/diary on BravoTV.com she refers to Nekisa as her "hommie"... *snicker* ).
You know, I have to admit that I was completely and utterly flabbergasted by the major amount of sucktastic and crapalicious work these people did last week on what should have been an easy challenge... the "Charlie's Angels" challenge... and Jaclyn is quick to remind the stylestants this week in a sober tone that she was "disappointed" by their work, and since there was no winner, then the "Allure Wall Of Fame" remains empty for this week...
...as heartbreaking as "Empty Chairs At Empty Tables", isn't it?...
...and everyone looks very serious, because to disappoint an Angel is to disappoint God. I guess. Anyhow, Dallas Daniel sums it up the best as he says "Ah git it. Ah understayand. We ditent dew what they were lookin' fowur, ayand it hayas lit a fahr under mah assss, and ah'm gonna rock it ayowt this challenge!" As one of my transexual prostitute friends used to say, "Tell it... Smell it... go downtown and sell it!" Mmm-hmmm, Daniel's gonna be smelling something before the Short-Cut challenge is over...
Now it's time to introduce this week's guest judge! Will it be a gay Armenian, a gay Hungarian, a gay Zimbabwean or a gay Kentuckian? Nope, you're wrong! This week it's a regular old garden-variety wispy lispy gay American named Robert Hallowell, who also goes by the stage name of "Kitchen Beautician" (although I've seen him perform as "Puss Puss LeGore and The Maxi-Pads" but that was a different kind of show) and when Robert comes mincing his way into the Shear Genius Nexxus Salon for a moment I think it's actually Peter Horton (he of the terrible mane of hair from that whiny show thirtysomething)...
...if you held a gun to my head and said I had to have sex with either Peter or Robert, I'd have to choose sweet, sweet death...
Today's Short-Cut Challenge (called "Futuristic & Fabulous") is for the stylestants to create a "futuristic look that is beyond belief due to it's unusual cut, shape and height!" Paulo looks perplexed. Jaclyn continues, "You must sculpt your style without the use of hairspray or any other normal products found in a salon..." Mass hysteria ensues, especially for Dallas Daniel, who probably drifts off to sleep in the arms of the Aqua-Netta Robot he fashioned out of empty spray cans.... "Rip mah soul ayowt!" he wails. Sorry Daniel, but for this challenge they can only use "natural products" such as anchovies, tuna fish, hummus and Cheez Wiz... oh, wait... I guess that's not natural, but damn that would make a tasty hair gel! This challenge is gonna be like "9½ Weeks" meets "Beauty Shop"... minus the kinky sex and Queen Latifah.
Robert has a really velvety, yet prissy tone of voice with just a hint of child-molesterishness... very strange combination, but it works with his weird mane of hair... he tells the stylestants that the styles they create with these products are going to "save the environment" and that not only will the styles look great... but they'll also be "green"!
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Comments (15)
J-Mo,
Another fabulous job, as always. Reading your recaps always shows things that I miss when watching the show live. Keep it up!
1 of 15 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on August 9, 2008 1:14 PM
FINALLY Nekisa is gone. In the bottom 9 out of 12 challenges? She even sucks at losing. Dee was hanging on to her like a kid being left at daycare. And of course Nekisa blamed the dog. I could have thrown something at the tv.
Creepy Robert Hallowell's hair makes me think of Hall of Hall and Oates. People can't really use food in their hair, can they? Aren't they followed around by a cloud of bugs and wasps?
This has been a really good season so far. Hope they keep the bitchy ramped up all the way to the end. Go Charlie!
2 of 15 | Posted by shelleyh | Posted on August 9, 2008 8:42 PM
What fan of Shear Genius is going to really use all-natural products in his or her hair? For the reallies, people.
Paulo's air-hump is very creepy but relatively new to the show. Was he suppressing it in the first few episodes?
I just knew Nekisa was going to make some sort of excuse for her loss, but BLAMING THE DOG???
I feel for all the clients in her salon following her elimination. They have to sit captive while she whines about injustice AND fucks up their hair!
3 of 15 | Posted by TheVoiceOfReason | Posted on August 9, 2008 9:05 PM
"Then I would have slapped the shit out of somebody and run home crying and eating half-chewed Tootsie Rolls."
I actually guffawed! What a picture!
4 of 15 | Posted by silver | Posted on August 10, 2008 1:04 AM
Awesome recap as usual, J-Mo! Soooo glad Nekisa is gone. I do, however, think it was a little unfair for the stylists to have to be judged on how they groomed the dogs. I understand using the dogs' look as inspiration for their owners, but for them to also have to groom? Not that fair.
5 of 15 | Posted by rubinia | Posted on August 11, 2008 7:20 AM
LOL'd at least three times. (And I really needed that!) Thanks! Your recaps are priceless!
6 of 15 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on August 11, 2008 8:52 AM
thanks J-mo!!! You reminded me of our first found dog, Snowball, the one who chased me around nipping and yipping till I was up on a chair crying . . . and we're talking lap dog . . . ugh!!!
Excuses Nekisa over stayed her welcome, as Charley so clearly put it, TG he didn't go . . . he's getting more yummy as the weeks go by . . . but I don't like that style, dog week or no!
They could have had a pro style the dog to their vision while they focused on hair, and it was mean of Rene to make EN do highlights last minute, and she just did whatever he said--whimpy client afraid of curls, coulda been Squid babe, coulda been squid!
Hearts and Flowers!!! oh, and Tootsie Rolls too!
7 of 15 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on August 11, 2008 11:58 AM
oh j-mo, you do provide the best snark-fests. loved the beer-in-hair comment ("totallly unintentional") hahahahaha! you're killin me, smalls.
it was definitely beyond time for nekisa to go...only...now who can we love to hate? that was the only advantage to lisa on top chef. we got to hate her til the very end, which made it that much sweeter when blais won a car, stephanie won $100,000, and lisa got jack shit.
did anyone else think it kind of amounted to animal cruelty to have these dogs "groomed" by unwilling unprofessionals??? god forbid a stray blade nicked something...and at the very least, they could be cutting away hair that's protecting the dog's eyes, or bum, or what have you...i don't know, i just felt that perhaps this was poor judgement on everyone's part. and agreed, they should not have to be judged on something so completely unrelated to their craft. juddfan--great point. that would have a been a much cooler challenge.
8 of 15 | Posted by mrsdaddytom | Posted on August 11, 2008 1:49 PM
THANK THE POWERS THAT BE! Finally no more Nekisa! I promised myself I would stop watching if she didn't get kicked off this week. Now, I don't have to resort to just reading your most excellent recaps, J-Mo. I can't believe it took this long to get rid of her. I'm firmly on the "I-hate-Skunky McPussMunch" bandwagon now. I don't think she'll be going anywhere anytime soon. Dee's probably Shear Genius's Lisa. Love to hater her. Thanks again for the awsome recap. You make my day J-Mo. All hail fourth meal!
9 of 15 | Posted by BugMom22 | Posted on August 11, 2008 2:57 PM
♪ Ding-Dong! ♪ the *BITCH* is gone! ♪ Which ol' bitch? ♪ NEKISA bitch! ♪ Ding-Dong! ♪ the nasty bitch is goooooone! ♪♪
arizonatom... you'd never believe how much stuff you can pick up when you watch the show back on YouTube nearly frame-by-frame (it's why these recaps take so long!) and thanks for the kudos!
shelleyh... I know that "must... throw... something... at... television..." feeling! It happens frequently during real-ality TV shows like this one! Your imagery of Daryl Hall and clouds of bugs and wasps made me giggle... Thank you!
TheVoiceOfReason... I totally agree with you, it would be VERRRRY interesting to know what Nekisa's appointment book looks like since her suckyness has been showcased on TV...
silver... glad to help with the guffawage!
rubinia... thank you, and yes, pet fur is not fair to foist on human hair-stylists... unless you're Oshun and then it's okay by me... :)
fire@will... thank you, too, what a compliment to have helped with a triple-chortle! You're sweet.. :)
juddfan... OMG, that would have been an awesome idea (about having a professional groomer style the dogs) and might have made a difference for all of them... but I don't think René can really be blamed for Nekisa's highlights fiasco... she's the one who took the bait (and I DO think he was baiting her, I totally got the vibe that he didn't care for her one bit! René is bitchy, too! Yay!) Orange Stars and Green Clovers to you, too!
mrsdaddytom... you're too kind... and you're right, it was kind of fun to hate on Fleasa until the very end and see her dream snatched out of her grimy, chunky, nail-bitten hands... but the risk we run there is that the annoying person could actaully win the whole thing, and that would just suck. I would have been trés bitter if Paulo or Nicole or Charlie or Daniel had gone home before Nekisa. Besides, we still have the cross-eyed, hard-faced bounty that is Dee to talk trash on.... :)
BugMom22... Thank you, and welcome to the FourthMeal Dee-Liciousness... I think she's just going to get more bitter and angry and bitchy and hypocritical as the weeks move on... and I'm going to be right there to lap up every delicious drop...
Thank you guys, seriously, it makes my day to know that you're having as much fun with this as I am...
love, J-Mo :)
10 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on August 12, 2008 12:21 PM
J-Mo - i.love.u - you make me laugh so hard - damn skippy - i just had to cut a dingleberry off the little shit dog my hubby came home with about 3 mos ago - i love animals, but this dog sucks - like you said at least our cats lick thier own butt holes til theyre clean. heart. your recaps are officially my fav.
btw the shit dog has an appt at petco this weekend - no more dingleberries for this chick!
11 of 15 | Posted by BlueBee | Posted on August 12, 2008 2:21 PM
hey- i looove yer recaps ms thang! tonites show is very silly and fun-and dont worry yall there will be plenty of "love to hate" material still! im so excited to see what you write next im gonna wax my ENTIRE body-xo-bitchy charlie
12 of 15 | Posted by charlie price | Posted on August 13, 2008 10:46 AM
NO Charlie, NO!!!!! I was just saying how yummy you're getting, you can't wax now!!!
and If that's really you, keep baiting Baby, nobody does it better--I hope you ride Dee on her lack of IOTD rack until her eye uncrosses . . . . I tease, I actually only hate UGPaulo's Bessie ring!!! Anyone!?
13 of 15 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on August 13, 2008 11:27 AM
OMG, OMG, OMG, Charlie, if that really is you, I agree with juddfan, please don't wax (although, you know I sometimes have a soft... and hard... spot for a man who has just gone baby-smooth, so maybe it'd be cute and sexy, too). Aw hell, I know you have a hot latino boyfriend, but I'd be your sex-slave any day (us fat boys give the best hhhhh-ugs). I really hope it is really you, because I want the real Charlie Price to know that he has almost single-handedly made this season of this show fun and exciting for me (and I think the majority of gasmii would agree with me on this) and I simply LIVE for your commentary and shit-stirring ways... plus I love the way you get Dee going, I just hope you have sufficient protection from the Lesbiana Mafia. You've made my day/week/month!
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. Sorry for the catty things I've written about some of your hairstyles... you know I can't even clip my own goatee without fucking it up so what the hell do I know? I'm just a big fat gay blogger with a big fat gay mouth... kissy-smooches! -J :)
14 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on August 13, 2008 12:20 PM
J-mo, never apologize--You're the best, and I'm sure Bitchy Charlie, either real or imagined, is loving it like we do!!!!
and if it is you, BC, give us the dirt!!!!!
xoxo
15 of 15 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on August 13, 2008 3:58 PM