Okay, let me pause just a second to say that six hairstyles not using chemical product for one day is not going to save the fucking environment (although getting Daniel to stop using hairspray for a half-hour might significantly clear up the air quality in the Dallas/Fort Worth Metro Area) and I'm sure if you dump a jar of mayo and a can of tuna fish in your hair and go sit in the summer sun for a couple of hours it'll be "green" all right. The extent of food that goes into my hair is limited to an occasional can of beer (totally unintentional) and sometimes some candy sprinkles (for color and sparkle and because I'm probably drunk).
Anyhow, the Remaining Six all pick a scissor-box to determine the order of them getting to choose both their client AND their fabulous food product! Wow, Exotic Nekisa actually gets to go first. Good for you, girl! You're still probly gonna fuck it up, but this way your excuse for sucking has to be that much more imaginative since you got first pick of everything. Next up is Über-Gay Paulo, then Bitchy Charlie, Underdog Nicole, Lesbiana Dee... and Dallas "Dregs" Daniel gets the leftover lady! Awwwwww.
Now Jaclyn says they must each choose two of the "over 33 products" on the table before them...
...oh yes, I use squid in my hair almost daily, especially the kind with extra slimy tentacles, it leaves it so shiny and manageable...
...and here's where the fur starts flying for pretty much no reason. Since Exotic Nekisa is the first to choose, she goes with Molasses (mmm) and she considers the Anchovies... but rejects them as she says "it looks like Charlie's insides... that's pretty sick!" Ooh burn. Ouch. Gotta watch that rapier-sharp wit of yours, 'Kisa, someone might get hurt...
...Nekisa's version of the Charlie Smack-Down™...
Charlie just giggles as she actually goes with the Mustard and says "Enjoy that advantage, I don't think it's gonna help..." Nekisa's comeback to that is "Get off your high horse, honey... you've been in the bottom plenty..." Wait a minute, did she just say that for realsies? Exotic Nekisa, who has been in the bottom of nine out of twelve challenges (that's a solid 75% or 3/4ths of the time) is trying to trash-talk Charlie, who still has a better win record than anybody else? Nice try, but no dice.
Charlie wearily responds with a "Just play with your hair darling, it's what you do best... too bad none of your clients look as good as you do!" Über-Gay Paulo makes a kitty-cat "Rrraaaaoowwrrr!"-noise. I'm giggling and clapping and spilling chocolate-chip cookie-dough ice cream all into my chest hair, cuz that is how you give someone a backhanded compliment! I half-expected Nekisa to come back with her best "I know you are but what am I?", but I think she shut up when she realized she was out-classed in verbal sparring skills.
Jaclyn kind of makes an "Oooohhhh-kay!" and calls Über-Gay Paulo up, who chooses Corn Syrup and Coconut Oil. Then it's Bitchy Charlie going for Flour and Sea-Salt (I wonder if he plans on making chicken & dumplings in his client's hair... hmmm). Next up is Underdog Nicole, whom Charlie says is not liking the challenge at all because she is very sensitive to smells, and that she may vomit "which is fabulous for me, because I want the bitch to go home!" he enthuses. Um, how is puking going to get her sent home? I mean, unless she does it right on Jaclyn or Kim Vo... Anyhow, Nicole goes with the Caramel and the Sugar (mmmmmm burnt sugar and regular, let's make sundaes!)
Lesbiana Dee decided to go with Egg-Whites and Butter, because she says "My plan is to use the egg whites like a gel... the butter I'm gonna use as a shaping cream..." and when she gets ahold of both of the jars she turns around holding them up at boob-level and says "Hey Nekisa!" and proceeds to shake them back and forth...
..."I'm really gonna use the butter to sodomize you, hommie!"...
Oh Dee, your awkward, clumsy and totally desperate crush on our resident Persian Queen makes even me feel sorry for you. But I also love it because I think under that hard hard hard exterior of yours you just might have some human feelings left (maybe she's half-Vulcan instead of all-lesbiana?... hmmmm). Exotic Nekisa just looks uncomfortable and giggles nervously as Dallas Daniel cackles knowingly (girlfriend's mind runs along the same twisted tracks as mine, I'd bet dollars to donuts on it... ooooh, donuts).
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Comments (15)
J-Mo,
Another fabulous job, as always. Reading your recaps always shows things that I miss when watching the show live. Keep it up!
1 of 15 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on August 9, 2008 1:14 PM
FINALLY Nekisa is gone. In the bottom 9 out of 12 challenges? She even sucks at losing. Dee was hanging on to her like a kid being left at daycare. And of course Nekisa blamed the dog. I could have thrown something at the tv.
Creepy Robert Hallowell's hair makes me think of Hall of Hall and Oates. People can't really use food in their hair, can they? Aren't they followed around by a cloud of bugs and wasps?
This has been a really good season so far. Hope they keep the bitchy ramped up all the way to the end. Go Charlie!
2 of 15 | Posted by shelleyh | Posted on August 9, 2008 8:42 PM
What fan of Shear Genius is going to really use all-natural products in his or her hair? For the reallies, people.
Paulo's air-hump is very creepy but relatively new to the show. Was he suppressing it in the first few episodes?
I just knew Nekisa was going to make some sort of excuse for her loss, but BLAMING THE DOG???
I feel for all the clients in her salon following her elimination. They have to sit captive while she whines about injustice AND fucks up their hair!
3 of 15 | Posted by TheVoiceOfReason | Posted on August 9, 2008 9:05 PM
"Then I would have slapped the shit out of somebody and run home crying and eating half-chewed Tootsie Rolls."
I actually guffawed! What a picture!
4 of 15 | Posted by silver | Posted on August 10, 2008 1:04 AM
Awesome recap as usual, J-Mo! Soooo glad Nekisa is gone. I do, however, think it was a little unfair for the stylists to have to be judged on how they groomed the dogs. I understand using the dogs' look as inspiration for their owners, but for them to also have to groom? Not that fair.
5 of 15 | Posted by rubinia | Posted on August 11, 2008 7:20 AM
LOL'd at least three times. (And I really needed that!) Thanks! Your recaps are priceless!
6 of 15 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on August 11, 2008 8:52 AM
thanks J-mo!!! You reminded me of our first found dog, Snowball, the one who chased me around nipping and yipping till I was up on a chair crying . . . and we're talking lap dog . . . ugh!!!
Excuses Nekisa over stayed her welcome, as Charley so clearly put it, TG he didn't go . . . he's getting more yummy as the weeks go by . . . but I don't like that style, dog week or no!
They could have had a pro style the dog to their vision while they focused on hair, and it was mean of Rene to make EN do highlights last minute, and she just did whatever he said--whimpy client afraid of curls, coulda been Squid babe, coulda been squid!
Hearts and Flowers!!! oh, and Tootsie Rolls too!
7 of 15 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on August 11, 2008 11:58 AM
oh j-mo, you do provide the best snark-fests. loved the beer-in-hair comment ("totallly unintentional") hahahahaha! you're killin me, smalls.
it was definitely beyond time for nekisa to go...only...now who can we love to hate? that was the only advantage to lisa on top chef. we got to hate her til the very end, which made it that much sweeter when blais won a car, stephanie won $100,000, and lisa got jack shit.
did anyone else think it kind of amounted to animal cruelty to have these dogs "groomed" by unwilling unprofessionals??? god forbid a stray blade nicked something...and at the very least, they could be cutting away hair that's protecting the dog's eyes, or bum, or what have you...i don't know, i just felt that perhaps this was poor judgement on everyone's part. and agreed, they should not have to be judged on something so completely unrelated to their craft. juddfan--great point. that would have a been a much cooler challenge.
8 of 15 | Posted by mrsdaddytom | Posted on August 11, 2008 1:49 PM
THANK THE POWERS THAT BE! Finally no more Nekisa! I promised myself I would stop watching if she didn't get kicked off this week. Now, I don't have to resort to just reading your most excellent recaps, J-Mo. I can't believe it took this long to get rid of her. I'm firmly on the "I-hate-Skunky McPussMunch" bandwagon now. I don't think she'll be going anywhere anytime soon. Dee's probably Shear Genius's Lisa. Love to hater her. Thanks again for the awsome recap. You make my day J-Mo. All hail fourth meal!
9 of 15 | Posted by BugMom22 | Posted on August 11, 2008 2:57 PM
♪ Ding-Dong! ♪ the *BITCH* is gone! ♪ Which ol' bitch? ♪ NEKISA bitch! ♪ Ding-Dong! ♪ the nasty bitch is goooooone! ♪♪
arizonatom... you'd never believe how much stuff you can pick up when you watch the show back on YouTube nearly frame-by-frame (it's why these recaps take so long!) and thanks for the kudos!
shelleyh... I know that "must... throw... something... at... television..." feeling! It happens frequently during real-ality TV shows like this one! Your imagery of Daryl Hall and clouds of bugs and wasps made me giggle... Thank you!
TheVoiceOfReason... I totally agree with you, it would be VERRRRY interesting to know what Nekisa's appointment book looks like since her suckyness has been showcased on TV...
silver... glad to help with the guffawage!
rubinia... thank you, and yes, pet fur is not fair to foist on human hair-stylists... unless you're Oshun and then it's okay by me... :)
fire@will... thank you, too, what a compliment to have helped with a triple-chortle! You're sweet.. :)
juddfan... OMG, that would have been an awesome idea (about having a professional groomer style the dogs) and might have made a difference for all of them... but I don't think René can really be blamed for Nekisa's highlights fiasco... she's the one who took the bait (and I DO think he was baiting her, I totally got the vibe that he didn't care for her one bit! René is bitchy, too! Yay!) Orange Stars and Green Clovers to you, too!
mrsdaddytom... you're too kind... and you're right, it was kind of fun to hate on Fleasa until the very end and see her dream snatched out of her grimy, chunky, nail-bitten hands... but the risk we run there is that the annoying person could actaully win the whole thing, and that would just suck. I would have been trés bitter if Paulo or Nicole or Charlie or Daniel had gone home before Nekisa. Besides, we still have the cross-eyed, hard-faced bounty that is Dee to talk trash on.... :)
BugMom22... Thank you, and welcome to the FourthMeal Dee-Liciousness... I think she's just going to get more bitter and angry and bitchy and hypocritical as the weeks move on... and I'm going to be right there to lap up every delicious drop...
Thank you guys, seriously, it makes my day to know that you're having as much fun with this as I am...
love, J-Mo :)
10 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on August 12, 2008 12:21 PM
J-Mo - i.love.u - you make me laugh so hard - damn skippy - i just had to cut a dingleberry off the little shit dog my hubby came home with about 3 mos ago - i love animals, but this dog sucks - like you said at least our cats lick thier own butt holes til theyre clean. heart. your recaps are officially my fav.
btw the shit dog has an appt at petco this weekend - no more dingleberries for this chick!
11 of 15 | Posted by BlueBee | Posted on August 12, 2008 2:21 PM
hey- i looove yer recaps ms thang! tonites show is very silly and fun-and dont worry yall there will be plenty of "love to hate" material still! im so excited to see what you write next im gonna wax my ENTIRE body-xo-bitchy charlie
12 of 15 | Posted by charlie price | Posted on August 13, 2008 10:46 AM
NO Charlie, NO!!!!! I was just saying how yummy you're getting, you can't wax now!!!
and If that's really you, keep baiting Baby, nobody does it better--I hope you ride Dee on her lack of IOTD rack until her eye uncrosses . . . . I tease, I actually only hate UGPaulo's Bessie ring!!! Anyone!?
13 of 15 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on August 13, 2008 11:27 AM
OMG, OMG, OMG, Charlie, if that really is you, I agree with juddfan, please don't wax (although, you know I sometimes have a soft... and hard... spot for a man who has just gone baby-smooth, so maybe it'd be cute and sexy, too). Aw hell, I know you have a hot latino boyfriend, but I'd be your sex-slave any day (us fat boys give the best hhhhh-ugs). I really hope it is really you, because I want the real Charlie Price to know that he has almost single-handedly made this season of this show fun and exciting for me (and I think the majority of gasmii would agree with me on this) and I simply LIVE for your commentary and shit-stirring ways... plus I love the way you get Dee going, I just hope you have sufficient protection from the Lesbiana Mafia. You've made my day/week/month!
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. Sorry for the catty things I've written about some of your hairstyles... you know I can't even clip my own goatee without fucking it up so what the hell do I know? I'm just a big fat gay blogger with a big fat gay mouth... kissy-smooches! -J :)
14 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on August 13, 2008 12:20 PM
J-mo, never apologize--You're the best, and I'm sure Bitchy Charlie, either real or imagined, is loving it like we do!!!!
and if it is you, BC, give us the dirt!!!!!
xoxo
15 of 15 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on August 13, 2008 3:58 PM