In a word: afraid. Before we all puke, let's move on over to Lesbianaville, where the Mayor Dee is busy brushing buttery goodness into her client's long straight locks and is telling Robert Hallowell that the girl is going to be her "future Japanimation". This prompts a sarcastic "Gee, I've never heard of 'Japanimation' before!" from Bitchy Charlie, to which Dee snaps "Well he didn't know what it was! You're just full of insults always Charlie... no respect!" This coming from the saintly woman who called Charlie's color-job last week "frickin' drag-queen"...
And as if she read my twisted mind, Underdog Nicole calls the bitch out! "Dee, you have a lotta room to talk about anybody respecting anybody!" Oooohhhhh, Dee don't like that one bit as she lamely snarls back "Who's talking to Nicole? No one! So shut up!" Then Dee sticks her tongue out and makes a pppbbffbfblbt! sound... Okay, not really, but it was quickly devolving there. Keep in mind, this mature exchange is all done directly in front of the guest judge Robert Hallowell. Eh, maturity is overrated anyhow.
Dallas Daniel is explaining that he has slathered peanut butter on velcro-rollers and built a giant pyramid on his client's head, then he added some avocado, and a pair of beets because he liked the color... Bitchy Charlie observes "Chiiiiild, the beets in Daniel's hairdo... oh my god, they looked like little maroon testicles..."
...when "blue balls" get this bad they turn purple...
Underdog Nicole relented and scraped the squid corpses off her client's head, choosing to mash some blackberries into it instead, adding a half a banana and some raisin bran to promote a good BM. On the other side of Uggoland, Exotic Nekisa's client has great big huge gloppy gooey ropes of molasses running down the sides of her head, and she does not look happy about it...
...Bitch betta get dis shit offa my head...
And time is UP! Time to take a trip on the time-warp into the future to see how food + hair = stylishness beyond belief!
...bet it smells funny in there right about now...
The first stylestant for Robert Hallowell to turn his creepy eyes to is Über-Gay Paulo...
She looks like a cross between Marie Antoinette and Prince (a.k.a. "0(+>" ). Paulo says he used the corn syrup as a gel, and the coconut oil as his "shine product" and then he started thinking "space-age ice princess" and started dripping small jewels of corn syrup into the curls so they would look like ice crystals. Robert touches it and his hands get instantly stuck. After yanking them free, however, he says that he really likes it although he doesn't know how the poor girl is going to get the stuff out of her hair. Heyyy, I thought that's what your area of expertise was Mr. "Kitchen Beautician"!
Next up is Dallas Daniel's cold-turkey-from-hayir-spray-experiment...
And I guess that her hair looks kinda futuristic... like Star Trek in the 60's. Daniel recounts the Saga Of The Peanut Butter again (sympathy votes can't hurt, I guess) and Robert seems to like the avocado and beet sex-organ on the back of her head. Ew. He would.
And here is Bitchy Charlie and his "space princess"...
I'm not getting "space princess" so much as I'm getting "geriatric Glenn Close"... personally when I think of a space princess this is what comes to mind...
...feel the Force, bitches!...
Robert seems non-committal to Charlie's creation. Hmmmmmm....
Moving right along to Lesbiana Dee's futuristic Japanimation doll...
I'm calling bullshit right now, because that's not Japanimation, that is 80's one-hit-wonder Regina (you may remember her hit "Baby Love" in which she sounds an awful lot like early 80's Madonna)... see for yourself...
...but Robert is probly a die-hard Regina fan, and he seems to like what she did.
Hey, let's go see what our Exotic Nekisa was able to perpetrate...
Her Boobiliciousness gives a loooong drawn out explanation of how she stuck this here and glooped that there and blah blah blah... but Robert says he loves the client's face, and he's not pleased that Nekisa covered up her big ol' eight-head with Plochman's Artsy-Fartsy-ness...
..."Do you be'lee dis shit? Bitch put semen in my hair!"...
Robert gives Nekisa's "whatever"-face a great big "whatever"-face right back and moves on to Underdog Nicole and her Surf'N'Turf...
Nicole knows she did a shitty job, but at least she got the squid off of there and although the blackberries look like a pair of dead roaches, she did get kind of a shapey thing going on, it just looks like a giant turd on top of the client's head.
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Comments (15)
J-Mo,
Another fabulous job, as always. Reading your recaps always shows things that I miss when watching the show live. Keep it up!
1 of 15 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on August 9, 2008 1:14 PM
FINALLY Nekisa is gone. In the bottom 9 out of 12 challenges? She even sucks at losing. Dee was hanging on to her like a kid being left at daycare. And of course Nekisa blamed the dog. I could have thrown something at the tv.
Creepy Robert Hallowell's hair makes me think of Hall of Hall and Oates. People can't really use food in their hair, can they? Aren't they followed around by a cloud of bugs and wasps?
This has been a really good season so far. Hope they keep the bitchy ramped up all the way to the end. Go Charlie!
2 of 15 | Posted by shelleyh | Posted on August 9, 2008 8:42 PM
What fan of Shear Genius is going to really use all-natural products in his or her hair? For the reallies, people.
Paulo's air-hump is very creepy but relatively new to the show. Was he suppressing it in the first few episodes?
I just knew Nekisa was going to make some sort of excuse for her loss, but BLAMING THE DOG???
I feel for all the clients in her salon following her elimination. They have to sit captive while she whines about injustice AND fucks up their hair!
3 of 15 | Posted by TheVoiceOfReason | Posted on August 9, 2008 9:05 PM
"Then I would have slapped the shit out of somebody and run home crying and eating half-chewed Tootsie Rolls."
I actually guffawed! What a picture!
4 of 15 | Posted by silver | Posted on August 10, 2008 1:04 AM
Awesome recap as usual, J-Mo! Soooo glad Nekisa is gone. I do, however, think it was a little unfair for the stylists to have to be judged on how they groomed the dogs. I understand using the dogs' look as inspiration for their owners, but for them to also have to groom? Not that fair.
5 of 15 | Posted by rubinia | Posted on August 11, 2008 7:20 AM
LOL'd at least three times. (And I really needed that!) Thanks! Your recaps are priceless!
6 of 15 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on August 11, 2008 8:52 AM
thanks J-mo!!! You reminded me of our first found dog, Snowball, the one who chased me around nipping and yipping till I was up on a chair crying . . . and we're talking lap dog . . . ugh!!!
Excuses Nekisa over stayed her welcome, as Charley so clearly put it, TG he didn't go . . . he's getting more yummy as the weeks go by . . . but I don't like that style, dog week or no!
They could have had a pro style the dog to their vision while they focused on hair, and it was mean of Rene to make EN do highlights last minute, and she just did whatever he said--whimpy client afraid of curls, coulda been Squid babe, coulda been squid!
Hearts and Flowers!!! oh, and Tootsie Rolls too!
7 of 15 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on August 11, 2008 11:58 AM
oh j-mo, you do provide the best snark-fests. loved the beer-in-hair comment ("totallly unintentional") hahahahaha! you're killin me, smalls.
it was definitely beyond time for nekisa to go...only...now who can we love to hate? that was the only advantage to lisa on top chef. we got to hate her til the very end, which made it that much sweeter when blais won a car, stephanie won $100,000, and lisa got jack shit.
did anyone else think it kind of amounted to animal cruelty to have these dogs "groomed" by unwilling unprofessionals??? god forbid a stray blade nicked something...and at the very least, they could be cutting away hair that's protecting the dog's eyes, or bum, or what have you...i don't know, i just felt that perhaps this was poor judgement on everyone's part. and agreed, they should not have to be judged on something so completely unrelated to their craft. juddfan--great point. that would have a been a much cooler challenge.
8 of 15 | Posted by mrsdaddytom | Posted on August 11, 2008 1:49 PM
THANK THE POWERS THAT BE! Finally no more Nekisa! I promised myself I would stop watching if she didn't get kicked off this week. Now, I don't have to resort to just reading your most excellent recaps, J-Mo. I can't believe it took this long to get rid of her. I'm firmly on the "I-hate-Skunky McPussMunch" bandwagon now. I don't think she'll be going anywhere anytime soon. Dee's probably Shear Genius's Lisa. Love to hater her. Thanks again for the awsome recap. You make my day J-Mo. All hail fourth meal!
9 of 15 | Posted by BugMom22 | Posted on August 11, 2008 2:57 PM
♪ Ding-Dong! ♪ the *BITCH* is gone! ♪ Which ol' bitch? ♪ NEKISA bitch! ♪ Ding-Dong! ♪ the nasty bitch is goooooone! ♪♪
arizonatom... you'd never believe how much stuff you can pick up when you watch the show back on YouTube nearly frame-by-frame (it's why these recaps take so long!) and thanks for the kudos!
shelleyh... I know that "must... throw... something... at... television..." feeling! It happens frequently during real-ality TV shows like this one! Your imagery of Daryl Hall and clouds of bugs and wasps made me giggle... Thank you!
TheVoiceOfReason... I totally agree with you, it would be VERRRRY interesting to know what Nekisa's appointment book looks like since her suckyness has been showcased on TV...
silver... glad to help with the guffawage!
rubinia... thank you, and yes, pet fur is not fair to foist on human hair-stylists... unless you're Oshun and then it's okay by me... :)
fire@will... thank you, too, what a compliment to have helped with a triple-chortle! You're sweet.. :)
juddfan... OMG, that would have been an awesome idea (about having a professional groomer style the dogs) and might have made a difference for all of them... but I don't think René can really be blamed for Nekisa's highlights fiasco... she's the one who took the bait (and I DO think he was baiting her, I totally got the vibe that he didn't care for her one bit! René is bitchy, too! Yay!) Orange Stars and Green Clovers to you, too!
mrsdaddytom... you're too kind... and you're right, it was kind of fun to hate on Fleasa until the very end and see her dream snatched out of her grimy, chunky, nail-bitten hands... but the risk we run there is that the annoying person could actaully win the whole thing, and that would just suck. I would have been trés bitter if Paulo or Nicole or Charlie or Daniel had gone home before Nekisa. Besides, we still have the cross-eyed, hard-faced bounty that is Dee to talk trash on.... :)
BugMom22... Thank you, and welcome to the FourthMeal Dee-Liciousness... I think she's just going to get more bitter and angry and bitchy and hypocritical as the weeks move on... and I'm going to be right there to lap up every delicious drop...
Thank you guys, seriously, it makes my day to know that you're having as much fun with this as I am...
love, J-Mo :)
10 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on August 12, 2008 12:21 PM
J-Mo - i.love.u - you make me laugh so hard - damn skippy - i just had to cut a dingleberry off the little shit dog my hubby came home with about 3 mos ago - i love animals, but this dog sucks - like you said at least our cats lick thier own butt holes til theyre clean. heart. your recaps are officially my fav.
btw the shit dog has an appt at petco this weekend - no more dingleberries for this chick!
11 of 15 | Posted by BlueBee | Posted on August 12, 2008 2:21 PM
hey- i looove yer recaps ms thang! tonites show is very silly and fun-and dont worry yall there will be plenty of "love to hate" material still! im so excited to see what you write next im gonna wax my ENTIRE body-xo-bitchy charlie
12 of 15 | Posted by charlie price | Posted on August 13, 2008 10:46 AM
NO Charlie, NO!!!!! I was just saying how yummy you're getting, you can't wax now!!!
and If that's really you, keep baiting Baby, nobody does it better--I hope you ride Dee on her lack of IOTD rack until her eye uncrosses . . . . I tease, I actually only hate UGPaulo's Bessie ring!!! Anyone!?
13 of 15 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on August 13, 2008 11:27 AM
OMG, OMG, OMG, Charlie, if that really is you, I agree with juddfan, please don't wax (although, you know I sometimes have a soft... and hard... spot for a man who has just gone baby-smooth, so maybe it'd be cute and sexy, too). Aw hell, I know you have a hot latino boyfriend, but I'd be your sex-slave any day (us fat boys give the best hhhhh-ugs). I really hope it is really you, because I want the real Charlie Price to know that he has almost single-handedly made this season of this show fun and exciting for me (and I think the majority of gasmii would agree with me on this) and I simply LIVE for your commentary and shit-stirring ways... plus I love the way you get Dee going, I just hope you have sufficient protection from the Lesbiana Mafia. You've made my day/week/month!
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. Sorry for the catty things I've written about some of your hairstyles... you know I can't even clip my own goatee without fucking it up so what the hell do I know? I'm just a big fat gay blogger with a big fat gay mouth... kissy-smooches! -J :)
14 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on August 13, 2008 12:20 PM
J-mo, never apologize--You're the best, and I'm sure Bitchy Charlie, either real or imagined, is loving it like we do!!!!
and if it is you, BC, give us the dirt!!!!!
xoxo
15 of 15 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on August 13, 2008 3:58 PM