And Robert wastes no time in calling out Nicole as the loser of today's Short-Cut Challenge... and does Nicole immediately bitch and whine and try to blame someone or something else for her sucking? She smiles and says "As expected..." and she's not being sarcastic. Girl knew she fucked up and she admitted it! How refreshing! Maybe you could take notes on this, Nekisa... that is, if you're not still too busy from your "Iranian Of The Day" duties...
And Robert's three favorites are Über-Gay Paulo, Dallas Daniel, and Lesbiana Dee! Yay for gays! And you can tell that Dee thinks she's got this one in the bag, too, right up until the moment Robert announces Paulo as the winner...
..."You mean you bought all that bullshit I made up?!??!"...
...and he does that weird air-humping thing again. I wish he'd stop that, it's disturbing and exciting at the same time and I'm not comfortable with feeling that way. Anyhow, Paulo will get first pick of client in the Elimination Challenge and "one other advantage". Ooh, is it a free closed-fist shot at Dee's head? That'd be an advantage worth celebrating with a lambada-fest!
And speaking of forbidden dances, it's the Waltz Of The Six Bitches back at Casa De Malo Pelo, and during Wine-Time Bitchy Charlie says to Underdog Nicole "I can't believe you fucking put a squid in someone's hair today!" Nicole's trying to defend by stating "I had to take a risk!" I guess, except you backed off of the risk and went with blackberries instead, so nope, I don't think so. Charlie moves on to Exotic Nekisa and asks her "Did you think you were gonna win today?" and Nekisa amazingly says "I thought I was gonna be in the top!" and Charlie responds "Did you?" Mm.
Dallas Daniel says "It is gettin' gooooood up in the hayouse b'cuz evrybody's startin' t'hayte each uther!" and his eyes gleam like any good shit-stirring queen's would. Underdog Nicole and Exotic Nekisa are going at it as Nicole challenges her "At least when I do shit work I can admit it!" and Nekisa incredibly flies off the face of reality as she says "Welll, I will admit it when I do shitty work, too!" Really Nekisa? Cuz it seems like you just blame blame blame whenever you wind up in the bottom 3 out of every 4 times...
Daniel breaks the Hate-Matrix down for us "We've got Nekisa haytes Nicowul... Nicowul haytes Dee... Dee haytes Charlay..." Nicole is firing back to Nekisa's incredibly inaccurate "shitty work" comment as she says "Really? 'Cuz you've been crying a lot!" and Nekisa insists "Yeah, you do a lot of shitty work that you should admit!"
..."My giant glass of boxed wine says that my work isn't shitty, it's just misunderstood... and the sink is against me..."...
Nicole's not even arguing with her as she says "I will be the first to admit that today... to everybody!" and Nekisa comes back with an ultra-bitchy "Good!" Lesbiana Dee is furiously masturbating through her corduroys. Chick fights make her hawt.
It's Elimination Challenge day, and the stylestants are in a big park somewhere in L.A. where they meet up with SuperGay René Fris, who greets them "Hi hi... todaiy we leff da salonn... to givv you guyss the bigzt supwise evah... Guyss, I thing I see thaim come a-now!... Weady?" and as he looks at a grassy knoll over yonder we see....
...twelve walking bitches...
...and this is where we saw Über-Gay Paulo in the preview screaming and saying "NOOOOoooooooo I don't wanna do it!" because René confirms his worst fear... that today the doggies are the client. I would be shitting cinderblocks, too...
See, my little sister once took in a stray dog, it was this white puffy thing (don't ask me about breeds, I can only identify dogs as either "growly-bitey" or "crotch-sniffing" or "fag-chasing") and although it was a male, she named him Chanté... well, poor Chanté wound up with a real bad case of crusty-poo-round-the-butt-hole and my little-sister developed a complete blindness towards the entire back half of his body, so guess who was handed a pair of dull scissors and the number to Rabies Control and told to "go shake it"? Lemme tellya, being gay does not automatically give you the power to pet-groom (which is why cats are so much more fun to have because they don't mind licking their own buttholes until they are crusty-poo-free) and I felt really bad for Chanté after I got finished with him, he looked like a walking Picasso and he never let me near him after that... which was fine by me cuz that little fucker had some noxious farts...
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Comments (15)
J-Mo,
Another fabulous job, as always. Reading your recaps always shows things that I miss when watching the show live. Keep it up!
1 of 15 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on August 9, 2008 1:14 PM
FINALLY Nekisa is gone. In the bottom 9 out of 12 challenges? She even sucks at losing. Dee was hanging on to her like a kid being left at daycare. And of course Nekisa blamed the dog. I could have thrown something at the tv.
Creepy Robert Hallowell's hair makes me think of Hall of Hall and Oates. People can't really use food in their hair, can they? Aren't they followed around by a cloud of bugs and wasps?
This has been a really good season so far. Hope they keep the bitchy ramped up all the way to the end. Go Charlie!
2 of 15 | Posted by shelleyh | Posted on August 9, 2008 8:42 PM
What fan of Shear Genius is going to really use all-natural products in his or her hair? For the reallies, people.
Paulo's air-hump is very creepy but relatively new to the show. Was he suppressing it in the first few episodes?
I just knew Nekisa was going to make some sort of excuse for her loss, but BLAMING THE DOG???
I feel for all the clients in her salon following her elimination. They have to sit captive while she whines about injustice AND fucks up their hair!
3 of 15 | Posted by TheVoiceOfReason | Posted on August 9, 2008 9:05 PM
"Then I would have slapped the shit out of somebody and run home crying and eating half-chewed Tootsie Rolls."
I actually guffawed! What a picture!
4 of 15 | Posted by silver | Posted on August 10, 2008 1:04 AM
Awesome recap as usual, J-Mo! Soooo glad Nekisa is gone. I do, however, think it was a little unfair for the stylists to have to be judged on how they groomed the dogs. I understand using the dogs' look as inspiration for their owners, but for them to also have to groom? Not that fair.
5 of 15 | Posted by rubinia | Posted on August 11, 2008 7:20 AM
LOL'd at least three times. (And I really needed that!) Thanks! Your recaps are priceless!
6 of 15 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on August 11, 2008 8:52 AM
thanks J-mo!!! You reminded me of our first found dog, Snowball, the one who chased me around nipping and yipping till I was up on a chair crying . . . and we're talking lap dog . . . ugh!!!
Excuses Nekisa over stayed her welcome, as Charley so clearly put it, TG he didn't go . . . he's getting more yummy as the weeks go by . . . but I don't like that style, dog week or no!
They could have had a pro style the dog to their vision while they focused on hair, and it was mean of Rene to make EN do highlights last minute, and she just did whatever he said--whimpy client afraid of curls, coulda been Squid babe, coulda been squid!
Hearts and Flowers!!! oh, and Tootsie Rolls too!
7 of 15 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on August 11, 2008 11:58 AM
oh j-mo, you do provide the best snark-fests. loved the beer-in-hair comment ("totallly unintentional") hahahahaha! you're killin me, smalls.
it was definitely beyond time for nekisa to go...only...now who can we love to hate? that was the only advantage to lisa on top chef. we got to hate her til the very end, which made it that much sweeter when blais won a car, stephanie won $100,000, and lisa got jack shit.
did anyone else think it kind of amounted to animal cruelty to have these dogs "groomed" by unwilling unprofessionals??? god forbid a stray blade nicked something...and at the very least, they could be cutting away hair that's protecting the dog's eyes, or bum, or what have you...i don't know, i just felt that perhaps this was poor judgement on everyone's part. and agreed, they should not have to be judged on something so completely unrelated to their craft. juddfan--great point. that would have a been a much cooler challenge.
8 of 15 | Posted by mrsdaddytom | Posted on August 11, 2008 1:49 PM
THANK THE POWERS THAT BE! Finally no more Nekisa! I promised myself I would stop watching if she didn't get kicked off this week. Now, I don't have to resort to just reading your most excellent recaps, J-Mo. I can't believe it took this long to get rid of her. I'm firmly on the "I-hate-Skunky McPussMunch" bandwagon now. I don't think she'll be going anywhere anytime soon. Dee's probably Shear Genius's Lisa. Love to hater her. Thanks again for the awsome recap. You make my day J-Mo. All hail fourth meal!
9 of 15 | Posted by BugMom22 | Posted on August 11, 2008 2:57 PM
♪ Ding-Dong! ♪ the *BITCH* is gone! ♪ Which ol' bitch? ♪ NEKISA bitch! ♪ Ding-Dong! ♪ the nasty bitch is goooooone! ♪♪
arizonatom... you'd never believe how much stuff you can pick up when you watch the show back on YouTube nearly frame-by-frame (it's why these recaps take so long!) and thanks for the kudos!
shelleyh... I know that "must... throw... something... at... television..." feeling! It happens frequently during real-ality TV shows like this one! Your imagery of Daryl Hall and clouds of bugs and wasps made me giggle... Thank you!
TheVoiceOfReason... I totally agree with you, it would be VERRRRY interesting to know what Nekisa's appointment book looks like since her suckyness has been showcased on TV...
silver... glad to help with the guffawage!
rubinia... thank you, and yes, pet fur is not fair to foist on human hair-stylists... unless you're Oshun and then it's okay by me... :)
fire@will... thank you, too, what a compliment to have helped with a triple-chortle! You're sweet.. :)
juddfan... OMG, that would have been an awesome idea (about having a professional groomer style the dogs) and might have made a difference for all of them... but I don't think René can really be blamed for Nekisa's highlights fiasco... she's the one who took the bait (and I DO think he was baiting her, I totally got the vibe that he didn't care for her one bit! René is bitchy, too! Yay!) Orange Stars and Green Clovers to you, too!
mrsdaddytom... you're too kind... and you're right, it was kind of fun to hate on Fleasa until the very end and see her dream snatched out of her grimy, chunky, nail-bitten hands... but the risk we run there is that the annoying person could actaully win the whole thing, and that would just suck. I would have been trés bitter if Paulo or Nicole or Charlie or Daniel had gone home before Nekisa. Besides, we still have the cross-eyed, hard-faced bounty that is Dee to talk trash on.... :)
BugMom22... Thank you, and welcome to the FourthMeal Dee-Liciousness... I think she's just going to get more bitter and angry and bitchy and hypocritical as the weeks move on... and I'm going to be right there to lap up every delicious drop...
Thank you guys, seriously, it makes my day to know that you're having as much fun with this as I am...
love, J-Mo :)
10 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on August 12, 2008 12:21 PM
J-Mo - i.love.u - you make me laugh so hard - damn skippy - i just had to cut a dingleberry off the little shit dog my hubby came home with about 3 mos ago - i love animals, but this dog sucks - like you said at least our cats lick thier own butt holes til theyre clean. heart. your recaps are officially my fav.
btw the shit dog has an appt at petco this weekend - no more dingleberries for this chick!
11 of 15 | Posted by BlueBee | Posted on August 12, 2008 2:21 PM
hey- i looove yer recaps ms thang! tonites show is very silly and fun-and dont worry yall there will be plenty of "love to hate" material still! im so excited to see what you write next im gonna wax my ENTIRE body-xo-bitchy charlie
12 of 15 | Posted by charlie price | Posted on August 13, 2008 10:46 AM
NO Charlie, NO!!!!! I was just saying how yummy you're getting, you can't wax now!!!
and If that's really you, keep baiting Baby, nobody does it better--I hope you ride Dee on her lack of IOTD rack until her eye uncrosses . . . . I tease, I actually only hate UGPaulo's Bessie ring!!! Anyone!?
13 of 15 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on August 13, 2008 11:27 AM
OMG, OMG, OMG, Charlie, if that really is you, I agree with juddfan, please don't wax (although, you know I sometimes have a soft... and hard... spot for a man who has just gone baby-smooth, so maybe it'd be cute and sexy, too). Aw hell, I know you have a hot latino boyfriend, but I'd be your sex-slave any day (us fat boys give the best hhhhh-ugs). I really hope it is really you, because I want the real Charlie Price to know that he has almost single-handedly made this season of this show fun and exciting for me (and I think the majority of gasmii would agree with me on this) and I simply LIVE for your commentary and shit-stirring ways... plus I love the way you get Dee going, I just hope you have sufficient protection from the Lesbiana Mafia. You've made my day/week/month!
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. Sorry for the catty things I've written about some of your hairstyles... you know I can't even clip my own goatee without fucking it up so what the hell do I know? I'm just a big fat gay blogger with a big fat gay mouth... kissy-smooches! -J :)
14 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on August 13, 2008 12:20 PM
J-mo, never apologize--You're the best, and I'm sure Bitchy Charlie, either real or imagined, is loving it like we do!!!!
and if it is you, BC, give us the dirt!!!!!
xoxo
15 of 15 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on August 13, 2008 3:58 PM