Anyhow, it was at this point that Straight Guy Matthew rudely interrupts Gail's self-pep-talk by blurting out "You didn't ask me any questions!" In voiceover, Female Glenn says that she thinks Matthew is a really nice guy, but that he has some "bad social skills". Um, actually, let's go with "none at all", shall we? Because Jaclyn gamely turns her attention to Matthew and says "Do you have something to say, Matthew?", and he gets all passive-aggressive and snaps back at her, "If you've got no questions, then I've got no answers!" Okay. What is he, a 3 year old who's jeawous because Mommy Jacwyn is paying too much attention to wittle Bitchy Charwie, and not enough to Stwaight Guy Maffew? Awwww, wets aww cwy now... waaaaaaaaaah... Seriously, Matthew is a straight up douchebooger who is just vying for camera time... and possibly the Asshole Of Season Two Award™.
Having endured that waste of time, Jaclyn goes on to introduce today's guest judge, Campbell McCauley, who has been responsible for styling hair on Katherine Heigl, Christina Aguilera and Cameron Diaz. Now, he seems to have done all right by Katherine Heigl but I have to wonder about...
...Christina Aguilera and...
...Cameron Diaz...
...but then we get a good look at Campbell McCauley's hair and it all makes sense, as it appears he's using semen for styling gel, too...
...or there's a big Costco-sized tub of neon Dippity-Do in somebody's baaaaathroooooom...
Seriously, his hair is bulletproof. Anyhow, Dallas Daniel predictably begins to gush "It's unb'LEEVable, when yew hayiv someone lahk CAMPbell judgin' yer work, yew cain't jest TUCK the hayir in'n' hahd it uh-WAY... he's done a lotta thaings that ah would lahk t'do... ah mean, are yew kidding? Who am ah getting t'meet all thayse people?"...
...all this exposure to these stellar celestial bodies from DanielCelebrityWorld is giving him a severe case of... star-burn!!...
First of all, WTF does he mean by "tucking hair away and hiding it"?? Is this some Hidden Hair Short Cut Challenge we haven't seen yet? And Daniel fails to elaborate on exactly what kinds of "things" Campbell has done that he would like to do as well. My first guess would be to donate his head for use in a bukkake-bucket... For realsies, this was some weird-ass editing and made no sense. At any rate, Campbell is excited to be there and see how our stylestants are going to deal with today's Very Special Challenge. Jaclyn intones that they will have to create a style that is interesting and "structurally complicated" and they have to also include at least one accessory from the selection provided...and they cut to a veritable Party Platter 'O' Hair Accessories...
...What? No scrunchies??!? No giant plastic banana-clips??!?!?? No neon pink Hello Kitty barrettes?...
Jaclyn then has all the stylestants come forward and choose a scissor-box, but they're not allowed to open it just yet! I wonder what's inside! Scissors, maybe? Then, ratcheting up the tension a notch further, Jaclyn brings in today's Non-Descript Clients With Unremarkable Hair... but then she tells them "Ladies, let it loose!", and faster than you can say "Wonder Woman", they've all undone their various hair buns, twists and knots and have unleashed a terrifying avalanche of puzzlingly loooooong and stringy hair...
...you just know these bitches would kill to be in one of those orgasmic Herbal Essences commercials...
With a collective gay-inhale, the stylestants realize that these ladies alllll have super-long-hair... one woman's goes all the way down to her feet!... yes, this Short Cut Challenge has the sassy name of "Long And Loving It" (as originally inspired by John Holmes)...
...this is what the Crystal Gayle Fan Club looks like...
Now they are allowed to open the scissor-boxes, which don't have any scissors in them after all, but a numbered card that corresponds to the length (in inches) of the client's hair they will be working with. Drag Queen Meredith got a woman with 68 inches of hair! And Meredith is only 64 inches tall! How ever will she manage? She begins by praying to Lord Jesus and apologizing for her sins....
...facial expressions Meredith should never ever make again, Volume 63...
Lesbiana Dee gets a more manageable 29 inches, Underdog Nicole gets 33 inches, Emo Gail gets 31 inches, Female Glenn gets 28 inches, Straight Guy Matthew gets 42 inches, Exotic Nekisa gets 27 inches, Über-Gay Paulo gets 30 inches, and they don't ever say how many inches Dallas Daniel gets. Reading back over this paragraph, I realize it sounds incredibly dirty (and titillating).
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Comments (7)
Is it just me or where is the rest of the recap?
1 of 7 | Posted by Sweetleaf | Posted on July 13, 2008 12:12 PM
Hated most of the hair styles this week. And I lost count of the times I yelled for Matt to shut up. Loved your recap but what happened to the rest of it?
2 of 7 | Posted by skies | Posted on July 13, 2008 1:47 PM
Hey Gasmii! Oh my god, I'm so embarrassed... my recap was actually TOO LONG for the publishing platform and the last part got cut off! However, do not fret, because I have just completed the remaining portion and it should be showing up quite soon. Sorry about that!
love, J-Mo :)
3 of 7 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on July 13, 2008 2:00 PM
OK, I'm only on page three and I'm already in pain from laughing so hard... I started about the time I was reading about the Pazzaz mousse (did it!) and I'm only up to the ping pong balls comment and I'm actually in pain.
J-Mo, you rock. :D
4 of 7 | Posted by teri00 | Posted on July 13, 2008 3:44 PM
Typo sorry - I was on page 4, and now I'm up to the 'head wider than it is tall' comment. .... dayum, J-Mo, you are the genius!
5 of 7 | Posted by teri00 | Posted on July 13, 2008 3:51 PM
teri00: But I'm NOT "Shear Genius"... only Charlie, Matthew, Dee & Daniel are so far!
But thank you just the same, I'm glad you're likin' it (and I'm also glad you got the ping-pong balls reference, I was afraid that one might be too obscure).
love,
xoxox
J-Mo :)
6 of 7 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on July 14, 2008 9:26 AM
"Here dey aaaa!"
Thanks for making me shoot Diet Dr. Pepper out of my nose at work! Your transcriptions of Rene are the best! You might just be my favorite recapper of all time, J-Mo!
7 of 7 | Posted by rubinia | Posted on July 15, 2008 10:30 AM