Bitchy Charlie says he would use the money to pay off what bills he has... and give his boyfriend the rhinoplasty that he really wants. Aww, Charlie, that is so sweet! I wish my boyfriend would go on national TV and tell everybody how much I need plastic surgery! Nothing says 'love' like a trip to the face-chopper's office for a big juicy slice of pain, swelling and Vicodin scripts. Actually, I probably really could use a nose-job as I have a small immigrant family living in one of my cavernous nostrils... is it too late for me to be your boyfriend as well, Charlie? It is? Damn!
...I'm just pickin' on ya, Charlie!...
Charlie goes on to say that it feels so good to be in the Final Three that he wants to get drunk and buy designer clothes. Girl, I can think of a helluva lot more fun and sexy things to do when you're drunk... like puking on your shoes and waking up from a blackout with your undies shoved up your butt-crack and a suspiciously stained note that says "Thanks for the 'Tina bump and the toothy BJ... God bless, Ted Haggard xoxo".
Anyhow, it's back to the Salon one last time with René Fris, who finally lets the stylestants meet their clients... four redheads, four blondes and four brunettes all come strolling out. I'm assuming they chose one of each approximate age (although wouldn't that have been a challenge to have to give the 18 year-old's cut to the 45-year old, and the 60-year old's cut to the 30-year old... and vice-versa?) and they all just look like regular everyday women who have foolishly agreed to be killed slowly by hair-torture.
...12 Angry Bitches who thought they were going to get to meet Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum...
But before they get started René wants to hear the story that they're each going to be telling! Lesbiana Dee goes first and says her story is about a young 18-year-old girl who is a natural redhead, has a passion for music and is totally confused about her sexuality. She meets a short little mannish latina hair-stylist and they fall in love and get married. The end. Okay, maybe not. *sigh* The real story is way more boring. Blah blah blah, the girl moves to New York, and it takes her until she's 30 to get her big break when she finally produces her first CD called "I Had To Screw 12 Years Worth Of The Record Industry's Dirtiest Old Men To Bring You This CD So You Better Buy It Or I'll Kill Myself". Everybody sing! She goes on to say that by age 45, her lady is twice divorced with three grown-ass children (the redheaded 45-year old looks kinda pissed off at this) and by age 60 she's got grandchildren but hates to be called "grandma" so everyone calls her "Mama Red", and she never gets old cuz her spirit's still young... that's because she's stealing the life force from all her grandkids through vampirism. Okay, she didn't say that last part, but jeez, see how much more interesting her story could have been?...
...and then, when she's 70, she becomes a porn star called "Gang Bang GrannyBooty"...
Bitchy Charlie's story is a little better, he says his girl is a child star who, at age 18, is dying to prove herself as a serious actress (following in the footsteps of Scary Kate And Gashley Olsen) and that by the time she's 30 she has won her first Oscar (but I'm guessing the Olsen Twins might have to wait until they're 45 or 50 before that ever happens). When Charlie-Girl turns 45 she appears in a "Hitchcockian suspense film" and at age 60 decides to direct her first film, a documentary called "Bob Saget And Dave Coulier Still Aren't Funny (Volume 3)". Kudos to you, Charlie!
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Comments (14)
J-Mo your recaps are hilarious. When you mentioned the Catshit lady I snorted I was laughing so hard.
I can't wait to read your Top Design recaps (last season was a giant bucket of crazy, so here's hoping Bravo got some more nutjobs) and I love the Salon Takeover ones.
I also got pissed that Dee won but she did a much better job on this particular challenge than Charlie. He can style hair wonderfully but his styles didn't seem to fit what they were supposed to be doing. He gave them movie set hair, not hair they would wear off the set (except for the oldest woman who I thought looked fantastic).
1 of 14 | Posted by PixieGal262 | Posted on August 30, 2008 12:26 AM
J-Mo;
Another great recap! However, I think that Dee's 60 year old should be named Mama Crackles instead. That bat-shit crazy squirrel has to be the spawn of this gal.
Overall, I think Charlie was definately the best hairdresser and I am disappointed that he didn't win, but perhaps it's for the best. Just like American Idol, sometimes the almosts ultimately do much better than the winners.
I also very much enjoyed your Taking Over recap. Tabatha is just the SHIT and I love watching her kick ass. I thought she should have went much farther last season, but it looks like she got a much better "ultimate prize" than the $100 G's. Do her justice!!
Looking forward to reading your covers of Top Design as well. Judging by last year, there should be much fodder for your recaps.
Lots O' Love!
2 of 14 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on August 30, 2008 8:15 AM
did anyone notice that dee was wearing the same outfit in the elimination that 12 pack from i love money wore at HIS elimination this week!!!
3 of 14 | Posted by aman | Posted on August 30, 2008 10:38 AM
Your recaps were the real SHEAR GENIUS.
Charlie was robbed.
4 of 14 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on August 30, 2008 11:12 AM
Thanks for the great recap, J-mo!
I'm happy Dee won, at least she'll do something nice with her money.
Looking forward for the Salon TakeOver recap!
xoxoxo
5 of 14 | Posted by Detinha | Posted on August 30, 2008 5:47 PM
Loved the recap.
I think shows like this should take past winnings into consideration. Dee sucked most of the time while Charlie(I think)had the most wins.
The misspelling of Avant Garde was too funny...Spell check anyone?
Is it just me or does Rene pose like a cheerleader ready for her routine? Hands on hips, ready, go!!
6 of 14 | Posted by skies | Posted on August 31, 2008 12:08 PM
aman:
By sheer luck (hmm ... good or bad?) I happened to see 12-pack getting eliminated and thought he looked stoopid in the black shirt, white tie and red jacket - and totally noticed that Dee wore the exact same combo. I guess we know what other show SHE likes to watch and take her fashion inspiration from! LOL!
7 of 14 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on September 1, 2008 9:09 AM
aman:
By sheer luck (hmm ... good or bad?) I happened to see 12-pack getting eliminated and thought he looked stoopid in the black shirt, white tie and red jacket - and totally noticed that Dee wore the exact same combo. I guess we know what other show SHE likes to watch and take her fashion inspiration from! LOL!
8 of 14 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on September 1, 2008 9:09 AM
hm, methinks i waited a while to read this because i'm that depressed that it (and your supersnarky recaps) are over. sob!
super-cute points for:
-a tom collicchio mention. mmmm, rawr.
-the convo between rene fris and dee. amazing.
-being the cutest thing ever. always.
and now, on to tabatha's takeover! :o) thanks for the great season, love!
9 of 14 | Posted by mrsdaddytom | Posted on September 2, 2008 12:51 PM
p.s. i agree, charlie was robbed. ROBBED.
10 of 14 | Posted by mrsdaddytom | Posted on September 2, 2008 12:52 PM
Boooo! I was hoping Charlie would have won. This season was way more entertaining than last year. And J-Mo, your recaps are awesome. The longer the better. Ahem.
Holy crap, Dee and 12 Pack DID have the same outfit on! I did not catch that.
My favorite part of this episode was Rene explaining to the styliss, "You have thwee hours for this challenge. Wead my lips. Thwee hours." If only we could read those lips, Rene. I will miss good ol Rene. Maybe he could be a very special guest star on Salon Takeover? One can only hope.
11 of 14 | Posted by shelleyh | Posted on September 3, 2008 11:06 AM
Sob, I'll miss these recaps, Jmo!!!! sniff, but I'll be tuning in for the others--I'm glad you got me watching the show, as it was fun, esp since bitchy charlie stayed bitchy. I did think his final styles where pretty wonk, sadly, they all looked old world old, you know how Doris Day was probably 20 but she looks like a 40 year old from today, same for men, like a Cary Grant . . . maybe just the styles, but alas, I did feel for LD when she was crying how it wasn't going how she planned, and I liked Cackles the Clown, she seemed a hoot, esp with the gentle prodding, "but I have roots, um they're going to show"--I was ready for her to say, hand me that dye!!!! Honestly, 3 hours . . . ahem . . . I'd really rather see them get a proper amount of time and then fail because they suck and not coz they were rushed.
Gwen Stephanie my ass, that was prom photo circa 1940's . . . and the Scarlet one, altho a big improvement, still didn't look good.
As for D--the 30 year old music star looked like Amy Grant in the 80's, and the girl crying about the length . . . should'a saved them fightin' words for the bangs . . . Great catch on the Cher cover!!!
Much love and many kisses!!!!
12 of 14 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on September 3, 2008 1:55 PM
Huh? Wha? Dee? Or is it my jet lag playing tricks with my mind? No matter, I guess after Drag Queen Meredith, Paulo and Daniel left, I didn't care who won. Not that I liked their hairstyles (actually, I don't think I liked that many hairstyles in the entire run of the show), I just liked them. So of course they wouldn't have won the fan favorite award, either, I guess. Man, I have so much to catch up on. I just watched the one where Nekisa got booted! Yay! Anyway, J-Mo, thanks for all your hilarious recaps and sweet comments to all your fans. I am really looking forward to the Top Design recaps, and I enjoyed reading the Salon Takeover with Albino Ferret-Face recap. Catch you next week!
13 of 14 | Posted by sayhuh | Posted on September 4, 2008 8:40 PM
Wow, thank all you guys for all your comments this season, it's been so much fun, and I really hope they start to do "Shear Genius" with the regularity that they're doing "Top Chef" and "Project Runway", it's hard to wait 18 months in between shows...
BTW, guys, keep your eyes open later for my special Q&A with Charlie Price... coming soon!
love always,
J-Mo :)
14 of 14 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 5, 2008 11:02 AM