Last up is Underdog Nicole, who starts off with "Well, my woman doesn't want to be a rock star or a movie star..." (bitchy sidelong glance) I'm hoping this means she wants to be a porn star, but nope, Nicole's girl is "just your average woman who grew up with not a lot of money..." OH, and became a big name in the porn industry? No, but she was a cheerleader and "it" girl. Zzzzzz. Then, by the time she turned 30 she discovered she still didn't have enough money to go to college (shoulda worked in porn, you coulda had a fuckin' Harvard Diploma by now, stupid!) so she decides to start a family (because kids aren't at all expensive like college is) with the "man of her dreams". They move into a rusty trailer and start banging away, night and day. Or maybe not. Then, miraculously, by the time she's 45 they have made a lot more money and have become successful (because she turned to working in MILF porn) and by the time she's 60 she's staring at her fridge like Ellen Burstyn in "Requiem For A Dream" and feeling super-proud of herself while trying to ignore all the voices in her head. Okay, that's not what she said, but dammit, can't a 60 year old woman do anything else besides be proud of having bred children? My mom is kinda proud of having had kids (when we're not screwing up, cuz then she doesn't know us) but she's more proud of the fact that she rides a motorcycle and is a sexy librarian.
Where was I? Oh yeah, René loved their stories (René also loves lütefïsk, so you can't really take him seriously) and tells the stylestants they will be given the choice of several wardrobe styles to dress their clients in. And so begins the last challenge...
Underdog Nicole starts off by guessing which client is which age. This could have been quite lethal if she had gotten any of them wrong. She picks out a fug dress for her 18 year old, whom she calls "Little Miss Perfect, everybody wants to be you!"...
...not unless they want to be you as a guest on "What Not To Wear", girl...
Our girl Nikki says she's feeling "clouded" right now, she has soooo many ideas running through her head that she barely knows where to begin. Well, maybe start by not picking the ugliest dresses off that wardrobe rack for your hapless victims to wear (she chooses a boring black number for her 30-year-old and another salt-n-pepa print for her 45-year-old). The 60 year old gets the super sexy shit-brown shapeless shift dress and looks wistfully at the slightly-less-hideous clothes her younger team-mates get to wear. Way to make her feel closer to 80, Nicole!
...perhaps Nicole is going for the "Old Proletariat Woman" look with that brown blob-frock...
Now it's Bitchy Charlie's turn to outfit his Blonde Band'O'Babes... he gives the 18-year-old a glittery silver drag-queen gown (yet simple and understated), the 30-year-old gets a white tux shirt and cummerbund (interesting), the 45 year old is given a severe black suit (very film noir, all she needs now is a loooong cigarette holder, a la Miss Scarlet) while the 60 year old gets a sensible gray power-suit. Charlie gives them all a hug up front and apologize in advance for any dirty filthy names he may call them before the day is out. Okay he didn't say that but he did mention "It's only the most important day of my life, so no pressure!" LOL, I bet that put them all at ease....
...it's alllllll huggles and love now, but wait until the blaming and bitter recriminations start...
Which brings us to Lesbiana Dee picking out clothes. For girls. She chooses a boring black number for her 18-year-old (I would have thought she would have gone for a more Avril Lavigne look instead of Hillary Clinton At A Funeral) and a hideous pink ruffled-top concoction for her 30-year-old (who is supposed to be hip and on top of the charts... eh, maybe it's on the Christian charts where Laura Ashley apparell still makes frequent appearances, I guess). The 45-year-old gets to slut it up in a black trench coat ("no fair!" says the eyes of the 30-year-old) while the 60-year-old (who is scary and I'm going to call her Gramma Cackles) is put in a black power-suit with shoulder pads, because she's a high-powered "music producer"... circa 1987...
..."...and your little dog, too!"...
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Comments (14)
J-Mo your recaps are hilarious. When you mentioned the Catshit lady I snorted I was laughing so hard.
I can't wait to read your Top Design recaps (last season was a giant bucket of crazy, so here's hoping Bravo got some more nutjobs) and I love the Salon Takeover ones.
I also got pissed that Dee won but she did a much better job on this particular challenge than Charlie. He can style hair wonderfully but his styles didn't seem to fit what they were supposed to be doing. He gave them movie set hair, not hair they would wear off the set (except for the oldest woman who I thought looked fantastic).
1 of 14 | Posted by PixieGal262 | Posted on August 30, 2008 12:26 AM
J-Mo;
Another great recap! However, I think that Dee's 60 year old should be named Mama Crackles instead. That bat-shit crazy squirrel has to be the spawn of this gal.
Overall, I think Charlie was definately the best hairdresser and I am disappointed that he didn't win, but perhaps it's for the best. Just like American Idol, sometimes the almosts ultimately do much better than the winners.
I also very much enjoyed your Taking Over recap. Tabatha is just the SHIT and I love watching her kick ass. I thought she should have went much farther last season, but it looks like she got a much better "ultimate prize" than the $100 G's. Do her justice!!
Looking forward to reading your covers of Top Design as well. Judging by last year, there should be much fodder for your recaps.
Lots O' Love!
2 of 14 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on August 30, 2008 8:15 AM
did anyone notice that dee was wearing the same outfit in the elimination that 12 pack from i love money wore at HIS elimination this week!!!
3 of 14 | Posted by aman | Posted on August 30, 2008 10:38 AM
Your recaps were the real SHEAR GENIUS.
Charlie was robbed.
4 of 14 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on August 30, 2008 11:12 AM
Thanks for the great recap, J-mo!
I'm happy Dee won, at least she'll do something nice with her money.
Looking forward for the Salon TakeOver recap!
xoxoxo
5 of 14 | Posted by Detinha | Posted on August 30, 2008 5:47 PM
Loved the recap.
I think shows like this should take past winnings into consideration. Dee sucked most of the time while Charlie(I think)had the most wins.
The misspelling of Avant Garde was too funny...Spell check anyone?
Is it just me or does Rene pose like a cheerleader ready for her routine? Hands on hips, ready, go!!
6 of 14 | Posted by skies | Posted on August 31, 2008 12:08 PM
aman:
By sheer luck (hmm ... good or bad?) I happened to see 12-pack getting eliminated and thought he looked stoopid in the black shirt, white tie and red jacket - and totally noticed that Dee wore the exact same combo. I guess we know what other show SHE likes to watch and take her fashion inspiration from! LOL!
7 of 14 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on September 1, 2008 9:09 AM
aman:
By sheer luck (hmm ... good or bad?) I happened to see 12-pack getting eliminated and thought he looked stoopid in the black shirt, white tie and red jacket - and totally noticed that Dee wore the exact same combo. I guess we know what other show SHE likes to watch and take her fashion inspiration from! LOL!
8 of 14 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on September 1, 2008 9:09 AM
hm, methinks i waited a while to read this because i'm that depressed that it (and your supersnarky recaps) are over. sob!
super-cute points for:
-a tom collicchio mention. mmmm, rawr.
-the convo between rene fris and dee. amazing.
-being the cutest thing ever. always.
and now, on to tabatha's takeover! :o) thanks for the great season, love!
9 of 14 | Posted by mrsdaddytom | Posted on September 2, 2008 12:51 PM
p.s. i agree, charlie was robbed. ROBBED.
10 of 14 | Posted by mrsdaddytom | Posted on September 2, 2008 12:52 PM
Boooo! I was hoping Charlie would have won. This season was way more entertaining than last year. And J-Mo, your recaps are awesome. The longer the better. Ahem.
Holy crap, Dee and 12 Pack DID have the same outfit on! I did not catch that.
My favorite part of this episode was Rene explaining to the styliss, "You have thwee hours for this challenge. Wead my lips. Thwee hours." If only we could read those lips, Rene. I will miss good ol Rene. Maybe he could be a very special guest star on Salon Takeover? One can only hope.
11 of 14 | Posted by shelleyh | Posted on September 3, 2008 11:06 AM
Sob, I'll miss these recaps, Jmo!!!! sniff, but I'll be tuning in for the others--I'm glad you got me watching the show, as it was fun, esp since bitchy charlie stayed bitchy. I did think his final styles where pretty wonk, sadly, they all looked old world old, you know how Doris Day was probably 20 but she looks like a 40 year old from today, same for men, like a Cary Grant . . . maybe just the styles, but alas, I did feel for LD when she was crying how it wasn't going how she planned, and I liked Cackles the Clown, she seemed a hoot, esp with the gentle prodding, "but I have roots, um they're going to show"--I was ready for her to say, hand me that dye!!!! Honestly, 3 hours . . . ahem . . . I'd really rather see them get a proper amount of time and then fail because they suck and not coz they were rushed.
Gwen Stephanie my ass, that was prom photo circa 1940's . . . and the Scarlet one, altho a big improvement, still didn't look good.
As for D--the 30 year old music star looked like Amy Grant in the 80's, and the girl crying about the length . . . should'a saved them fightin' words for the bangs . . . Great catch on the Cher cover!!!
Much love and many kisses!!!!
12 of 14 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on September 3, 2008 1:55 PM
Huh? Wha? Dee? Or is it my jet lag playing tricks with my mind? No matter, I guess after Drag Queen Meredith, Paulo and Daniel left, I didn't care who won. Not that I liked their hairstyles (actually, I don't think I liked that many hairstyles in the entire run of the show), I just liked them. So of course they wouldn't have won the fan favorite award, either, I guess. Man, I have so much to catch up on. I just watched the one where Nekisa got booted! Yay! Anyway, J-Mo, thanks for all your hilarious recaps and sweet comments to all your fans. I am really looking forward to the Top Design recaps, and I enjoyed reading the Salon Takeover with Albino Ferret-Face recap. Catch you next week!
13 of 14 | Posted by sayhuh | Posted on September 4, 2008 8:40 PM
Wow, thank all you guys for all your comments this season, it's been so much fun, and I really hope they start to do "Shear Genius" with the regularity that they're doing "Top Chef" and "Project Runway", it's hard to wait 18 months in between shows...
BTW, guys, keep your eyes open later for my special Q&A with Charlie Price... coming soon!
love always,
J-Mo :)
14 of 14 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 5, 2008 11:02 AM