***Letter from the Editor: You guys have sent us letters asking for Shear Genius recaps, and we have found the perfect writer for you. Please welcome to newest member to the TVgasm family, J-MO!!! HOLLA!
Now that Top Chef is finished for another season, and we're waiting for another season of Project Runway to begin, the good people at Bravo! have brought back another season of the hair-stylists edition of competitive reality TV... Shear Genius (volume two!). I personally think they could have come up with a more wacky name for it, like A-Hair-ican Idol, or So You Think You Can Style?, or Flow-Bee Madness... but at any rate, I was glued to the TV last Wednesday night as we hear Ms. Jaclyn Smith introduce us to the new season that will have 12 stylists compete in 20 challenges that will "put their abilities to the ultimate hair test!" in the hopes of winning $100,000.00 from Nexxus Hair-Care Products (ooh!)... an apprenticeship with Nexxus (ahh!)... the opportunity to style hair for an Allure photo shoot (ohh!)... and the title... of SHEAR GENIUS (murmur murmur!)...
...and we cue the title sequence with Jaclyn holding a blow-dryer in her old Kelly-Garrett-As-One-Of-Charlie's-Angels-poses! Yay Charlie's Angels references!
We get our first look at this season's crop of hair-hoppers, Paulo, Nekisa, Charlie, Nicole, Daniel, Dee, Matthew, Gail, Parker, Glenn, Oshun and Meredith! Seems like most of them have suitably weird/trendy hair, except for Charlie, who is bald (apparently by choice, sorta). We are also treated to a few shots of the Shear Genius hair salon, and it definitely doesn't look at all like the Great Clips where I get my hair cut these days (like, they don't have any boogery sniveling brats wailing in the waiting area and attempting to dump $50 bottles of conditioner on each other). It looks very clean, and sleek, and futuristic... like a Jetsons hair salon would look.
The contestants all enter the salon clapping and cheering for absolutely no reason (maybe they're feeling a sense of accomplishment having just walked through a door!) and Jaclyn Smith immediately blows smoke up their collective asses by saying "Wow, what a great looking group!" Now, I remember saying to Tom last season that I was amazed at how great Jaclyn herself looked... I mean, it's obvious that she's had some upkeep done, but it was well blended and she looked fairly natural. However, it is glaringly obvious... especially in her weirdly sculpted cheek-bones... that girlfriend is fighting Father Time tooth and nail... but the effect is somewhat more plasticine than I had hoped for...
...Charlie's Botox...
The picture really doesn't capture the awkwardness of her new face, she seems a little unsure of how it works, but hopefully things will loosen up a little, because I really like Jaclyn, she certainly looks a helluva lot better than another Angel we know of...
...and I'm not trying to be mean, I know Farrah has cancer (and I hope she gets better) but she looked pretty busted up way before that ever happened. I wonder if she will be a special guest this season. Hmmmmm....
Anyhow, Jaclyn welcomes the contestants (stylestants?) to their new Nexxus (yay product placement!) Shear Genius Salon... and right away stylestant Daniel drawls "The salon is aMAYzin' and ah've desaghned two mah-sayilf and ahm still quaht imPRAYSSed!"...
...Daniel goes on to let us know that his "signature hayir-stahl is 'Dallas Hayir'.... period..." Hmmm, I wasn't even aware that there was such a thing as "Dallas Hair", but I'm guessing that I've seen it on several drunk drag-queens... we'll see if I'm right later on. Jaclyn introduces herself, and right away stylestant Paulo (and his tongue-and-septum-piercing combo) pipes up with a breathless "Oh.. my GOD!... Jaclyn... SMITH!... I, when I was seven, had a big ol' crush on her!... I know, I'm a gay man and I had a crush on a woman... Go figure! (gay eye-roll)" Yes, Paulo, except I wouldn't exactly call it a crush... I would suspect it was more like you wanted to be the fourth Angel and be bestest girlfriends with Kelly, Sabrina and Jill. Just like I did...
...Paulo hails from San Jose, CA, and reminds me of a gaygoth version of Lindsay Buckingham with a giant soul-patch, and he's definitely not afraid to gay out all over the place... the sheer size and scope of the hissing sibiliants spouting from his lips were enough to set my TV's speakers just a-buzzin'!
Jaclyn goes on to introduce one of this seasons judges, named Kim Vo, whose pedigree is given as a "master colorist" and Jaclyn adds that he is responsible for Britney's many-changing hairstyles...
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Comments (11)
This recap was f-ing hilarious!!! I laughed my p*ssy off. BTW - I hate Oshun and was glad to see his punk ass booted the first time. Arrogance is not usually rewarded on reality tv. I guess he didn't have the cock to match those enormous balls he kept trotting out. Oh the wells!
1 of 11 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on July 2, 2008 1:17 PM
Awesome recap J-Mo and welcome to TVGasm! I haven't even watched this show, but I was bored so I read your recap -- and laughed my arse off! Too many funny lines to quote!
2 of 11 | Posted by zbird | Posted on July 2, 2008 5:30 PM
J-Mo, you rock! This shit is just too funny! Keep up the good work!
3 of 11 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on July 2, 2008 5:43 PM
Good job, J-Mo--I'm guilty of boredom too, as I've not seen the show, but I'm curious to see the awkward face movements!!! Very funny and thorough recap--great intro's to character's even for the uninitiated!!!!
All I can say though, is, c'mon Charlie, for reals--you think someone would wear their hair like that on an occasion other than Halloween!!! Ohshun, sorry, annoying even in abreviated recap!!!!
4 of 11 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on July 2, 2008 5:59 PM
Awww, shucks everybody... for my first posting here on the fabulous TVgasm, you're showing me lots of love and kissy-smooches, and I'm so very happy you're enjoying it...
Reese, honey, please go find your p*ssy, you're gonna need it someday, and I don't want you to be mad at me if you laughed it off somewhere (seriously, thank you luv) Zbird, likewise, I hope you get your arse back (*mwah*). ArizonaTom, you're like paper when you cover me, and you're the scissors I break.. much love to you. Juddfan, I'm glad you enjoyed the detail I went into... I hope to narrow things down a little bit as they get rid of some of these people...
Thanks everybody, I'm excited to be here and looking forward to navigating this second season of snarky stylings!
love, J-Mo :)
5 of 11 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on July 2, 2008 8:45 PM
Awesome recap J-Mo! I missed this show but now I'll make a point to watch it, just to read your recaps later and giggle.
6 of 11 | Posted by teri00 | Posted on July 3, 2008 9:03 AM
Loved the phonetic dialect quotes, esp. Rene's! LMAO
7 of 11 | Posted by rubinia | Posted on July 3, 2008 10:54 AM
Hey, add me to the list of people who's looking for a missing body part after laughing so hard. I liked your Danny Does Dallas phonetic transcripts... Thank you for adding photos of the stylists, because as soon as the show was over, I had already forgotten what half of them looked like and their names. And you're not that far off the mark comparing Kim Vo to Michael Jackson, since he is Vietnamese, and it would never have occurred to me if I hadn't read it. I just knew he looked weird (although rather cutely weird!) However, if I picture him with black hair, he doesn't look that strange anymore - just heavily botoxed, maybe. Picture Michael Jackson with any other hair style/color, well... he's still a yucky alien.
8 of 11 | Posted by sayhuh | Posted on July 3, 2008 4:57 PM
Your recap was more entertaining than the episode! You are hilarious and so dead-on with your observations. Can't wait to read your next week's recap!
9 of 11 | Posted by pokerplayer | Posted on July 3, 2008 7:57 PM
Didn't catch up on the show til this weekend so I only just finished your recap. And what a great recap it was. You are going to be a terrific addition to the gasm.
I can't wait to read what you thought of the Real Housewives episode.
And I am eagerly anticipating the cutting of the crazy long hair.
Keep up the great work!
10 of 11 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie | Posted on July 5, 2008 11:17 AM
Awesome recap! Toooo funny. Your impression of Rene is spot on. Ugh! I cannot stand him. He ruins the show for me. Every time I see him appear, I get as annoyed as the contestants seem to get.
11 of 11 | Posted by SomeBunnyHatesYou | Posted on August 8, 2008 8:27 PM