...Dee is sporting one of those skunky blonde'n'black faux-hawks and looks kinda hard. She says "making people feel great is what I'm all about... I specialize in sexy!" She further insists "You're gonna feel like a ROCK STAR every single time you're in my chair!" Does that mean I'm going to be shriveled from exhaustion, alcoholism and drug abuse and wanting to constantly vomit? In that case, YEEEEAAAAHHHHHHH!!! Seriously, I think the whole term "rock star" needs to be retired as an adjective, especially since it's now just a brand of energy drink (sorry, Erick, I know you like to drink them...) Anyhow, Dee says she has a great girlfriend (this was such a shock) and that "with her on my side, I know I'm gonna do well.... and if she's not on my side, then I'm gonna hunt her down and cut the bitch..." Okay, she didn't say that last part, but that hardness in her face says to me that she could be, uh, rather intense in a relationship.
Meanwhile Oshun is babbling "I'm gonna let my imagination just run wild and I'm just gonna let my hands move through their hair like Oshun, 'cuz I'm deep!" He then looks uncomfortable, as if realizing that he's already overused his catch-phrase about being Oshun and being deep. Yes, Oshun, we're only 30 minutes in, and you have totally worn that phrase out. Congratulations. Now here's perky Meredith, from Chicago, IL...
...and trust me when I say, this girl has the most dragaliciously sculpted eyebrows I have ever seen on a biological woman (assuming she's not actually a drag queen or even a fierce hot tranny mess). She certainly isn't lacking in self-esteem as she spouts "Everyone should be shaking in their boots because I have it all.... they just don't know it yet... and frankly, I'm the cutest thing you've ever seen!" She giggles shrilly. Mmmkay, not so much. She turns to her terrified client and says "We're gonna win this bitch!" Or maybe she was snarling at her "We're gonna win this, bitch!" Could've been either. Watch for those eyebrows, coming to a drag show near you. And now we have pretty little Nicole, from New York City, NY...
...she kinda reminds me of Shirlie of the group Pepsi & Shirlie (former backup singers for Wham! and George Michael) and seems kinda sweet and humble when she says "A lot of people think that I'm an underdog in this industry because I've only been doing hair for five years..." Awww, poor thing! "I'm a professional cutter... I don't really think I'm an underdog, but that's what I'm gonna find out!" Wow, her lack of self-aggrandizement is really refreshing from all these other bitches saying how great they are and how awesome everything they do is. Then little Nicole takes her self-deprecation a step too far when she nervously giggles to her client "I can't even walk straight, let alone cut hair straight with my eyes closed!" which causes her Asian client to make a face like a kitten trapped in a microwave. At that point it's time to move on to Matthew, who is ALSO from Dallas (hey, no fair having two experts on "Dallas Hair" on one season, Bravo!)...
...Matthew owns his own salon in Dallas (they show him there cutting his own hair in a mirror) and immediately fills the position of Token Straight Hair Stylist™ when he gushes "The only thing I love more than hairdressing is my WIFE!!!" I'm willing to bet that on every single show he appears in this season that he's going to mention his wife or being straight, and I'm sure we'll be treated to him getting all huffy about why people automatically assume that just because he is a hairdresser and wears purple shirts and sucks a lot of dick that they automatically assume he's a homosexual!! Sheesh! They cut to him working on his client and saying "I'll try not to hurt you..." She responds with a great big "Ow!' as he immediately nails her ear. Way to go, Great Straight Hope...
Kim Vo is now circulating amongst the stylists as they work... Nekisa is doing a "layered A-line bob" which Kim thinks is very "ambitious". Nekisa gets a worried frown and asks what he means. Kim smiles and says "It's jagged and I hope it looks a lot better by the time we get to judging." Nekisa hopes it will, too.
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Comments (11)
This recap was f-ing hilarious!!! I laughed my p*ssy off. BTW - I hate Oshun and was glad to see his punk ass booted the first time. Arrogance is not usually rewarded on reality tv. I guess he didn't have the cock to match those enormous balls he kept trotting out. Oh the wells!
1 of 11 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on July 2, 2008 1:17 PM
Awesome recap J-Mo and welcome to TVGasm! I haven't even watched this show, but I was bored so I read your recap -- and laughed my arse off! Too many funny lines to quote!
2 of 11 | Posted by zbird | Posted on July 2, 2008 5:30 PM
J-Mo, you rock! This shit is just too funny! Keep up the good work!
3 of 11 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on July 2, 2008 5:43 PM
Good job, J-Mo--I'm guilty of boredom too, as I've not seen the show, but I'm curious to see the awkward face movements!!! Very funny and thorough recap--great intro's to character's even for the uninitiated!!!!
All I can say though, is, c'mon Charlie, for reals--you think someone would wear their hair like that on an occasion other than Halloween!!! Ohshun, sorry, annoying even in abreviated recap!!!!
4 of 11 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on July 2, 2008 5:59 PM
Awww, shucks everybody... for my first posting here on the fabulous TVgasm, you're showing me lots of love and kissy-smooches, and I'm so very happy you're enjoying it...
Reese, honey, please go find your p*ssy, you're gonna need it someday, and I don't want you to be mad at me if you laughed it off somewhere (seriously, thank you luv) Zbird, likewise, I hope you get your arse back (*mwah*). ArizonaTom, you're like paper when you cover me, and you're the scissors I break.. much love to you. Juddfan, I'm glad you enjoyed the detail I went into... I hope to narrow things down a little bit as they get rid of some of these people...
Thanks everybody, I'm excited to be here and looking forward to navigating this second season of snarky stylings!
love, J-Mo :)
5 of 11 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on July 2, 2008 8:45 PM
Awesome recap J-Mo! I missed this show but now I'll make a point to watch it, just to read your recaps later and giggle.
6 of 11 | Posted by teri00 | Posted on July 3, 2008 9:03 AM
Loved the phonetic dialect quotes, esp. Rene's! LMAO
7 of 11 | Posted by rubinia | Posted on July 3, 2008 10:54 AM
Hey, add me to the list of people who's looking for a missing body part after laughing so hard. I liked your Danny Does Dallas phonetic transcripts... Thank you for adding photos of the stylists, because as soon as the show was over, I had already forgotten what half of them looked like and their names. And you're not that far off the mark comparing Kim Vo to Michael Jackson, since he is Vietnamese, and it would never have occurred to me if I hadn't read it. I just knew he looked weird (although rather cutely weird!) However, if I picture him with black hair, he doesn't look that strange anymore - just heavily botoxed, maybe. Picture Michael Jackson with any other hair style/color, well... he's still a yucky alien.
8 of 11 | Posted by sayhuh | Posted on July 3, 2008 4:57 PM
Your recap was more entertaining than the episode! You are hilarious and so dead-on with your observations. Can't wait to read your next week's recap!
9 of 11 | Posted by pokerplayer | Posted on July 3, 2008 7:57 PM
Didn't catch up on the show til this weekend so I only just finished your recap. And what a great recap it was. You are going to be a terrific addition to the gasm.
I can't wait to read what you thought of the Real Housewives episode.
And I am eagerly anticipating the cutting of the crazy long hair.
Keep up the great work!
10 of 11 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie | Posted on July 5, 2008 11:17 AM
Awesome recap! Toooo funny. Your impression of Rene is spot on. Ugh! I cannot stand him. He ruins the show for me. Every time I see him appear, I get as annoyed as the contestants seem to get.
11 of 11 | Posted by SomeBunnyHatesYou | Posted on August 8, 2008 8:27 PM