Now it's time to announce the winner of the "Short Cut Challenge"... it comes down to the top two being Lesbiana Dee and Underdog Nicole... and Lesbiana Dee wins!!! She is really excited because she says she visualized herself winning and it happened! Yeah, like she was going to visualize herself losing, come ON with the lame psychic stories, people! Nicole gets second place. Following her in order is Drag Queen Meredith, Female Glenn, Dallas Daniel, Emo Gail, Bitchy Charlie, Straight Guy Matthew, Über-Gay Paulo, Parker The Prick.... the bottom two are Exotic Nekisa and Motion Lotion Oshun! Kim Vo looks straight at Oshun and says
"I have NEVER seen such a butcher job!"
Ouch! I had to feel a little bit bad for Oshun at that point, it must have been embarrassing as hell to be called out like that by a Master Colorist, and Oshun says "I know I won't be in last place...." right before Kim says Nekisa is 11th place and Oshun is dead last. Awww. A rather chastened-looking Oshun says "After today I have to step up my game... the best always finish last... but then I'm gonna be first!" Well, you just pissed away the good-will I was building for ya, Oshun.
Now it's time for the stylestants to go home to the fabulous beach house they will be staying in while they are competing in L.A. It looks like it might be in Malibu or Santa Monica, but then again, it might not. The house is huge and all the stylestants seem to be happy to be done with their competition for the day. As they all raise a big glass of wine, Paulo wonders to the camera who among them is "going to be that bitch..." but for now they are all loving each other. That will last until the first Elimination Challenge and then the backstabbing and accusations will start. I can't wait!
Oshun, who is wearing his sunglasses inside the house... at night... is telling everyone "I ain't going nowhere... I'm here to stay, baby! I'm gonna put the Hollywood flair all over that hair!" Ugh, the lame rhyming thing is really getting annoying. Why is this guy getting so much screen time? Could it be because he might not be here very long? Hmmmmm....
The next day, back at the Salon, Jaclyn introduces the stylestants to their "mentor" René Fris...
...now, I find René to be kind of hilarious with his Danish accent and his Melrose Place haircut... He is basically here to offer advice and critique (like Tim Gunn does on Project Runway) but he will not be judging the stylestants... you know, except for when he opens his mouth and words come out. He says "For you firss Elimination Challenge you gonna have tonss off fun... how mainy time do you have client bring in picture of celaibrity and say they want you to geive that to thaim? Today is no difference!" He then beckons for today's victi- er, I mean, clients to come in. He says they each have a picture of a famous hairstyle that the stylestants will have to do an interpretation of. They all turn over their pictures...
...and the stylestants all gasp in unison! Yes, the "famous hairstyles" are all cartoon characters (Betty Boop, Jem, Wilma Flintstone, Lucy Van Pelt, Judy Jetson and Marge Simpson)! The order that Kim Vo put them in the day before is the order in which they will get to choose which style they want to do, and each style will be tackled by two stylestants each! Drama!
Lesbiana Dee goes first and picks Betty Boop, while Underdog Nicole goes with Jem (duh, she's only 24, for her Jem was probably an early childhood memory!). Drag Queen Meredith goes with Judy Jetson, Female Glenn takes on Jem also. Dallas Daniel picks Wilma Flintstone (was there any doubt?) and Emo Gail copies him and picks her, too. Bitchy Charlie goes right for Marge Simpson because, as he puts it "She's a big ol' piece of white trash... just like me!" Straight Guy Matthew also takes Marge. Über-Gay Paulo settles for Judy Jetson, while Parker The Prick settles for Betty Boop. This leaves Lucy Van Pelt (from Peanuts) to both Exotic Nekisa and Motion Lotion Oshun. Oshun is confident that he can do this, he now says that he's been nominated for TWO Emmys (I smell something bullshitty again) and says he's worked on "everything from 'Passions' to 'Ocean's Thirteen'!" How fortunate for Oshun to have worked on "Ocean's Thirteen"! It's like Oshun for the Ocean! Right? Devotion Goshen Lotion Motion Notion Locomotion Ocean Potion Quotien Yoshen!
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Comments (11)
This recap was f-ing hilarious!!! I laughed my p*ssy off. BTW - I hate Oshun and was glad to see his punk ass booted the first time. Arrogance is not usually rewarded on reality tv. I guess he didn't have the cock to match those enormous balls he kept trotting out. Oh the wells!
1 of 11 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on July 2, 2008 1:17 PM
Awesome recap J-Mo and welcome to TVGasm! I haven't even watched this show, but I was bored so I read your recap -- and laughed my arse off! Too many funny lines to quote!
2 of 11 | Posted by zbird | Posted on July 2, 2008 5:30 PM
J-Mo, you rock! This shit is just too funny! Keep up the good work!
3 of 11 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on July 2, 2008 5:43 PM
Good job, J-Mo--I'm guilty of boredom too, as I've not seen the show, but I'm curious to see the awkward face movements!!! Very funny and thorough recap--great intro's to character's even for the uninitiated!!!!
All I can say though, is, c'mon Charlie, for reals--you think someone would wear their hair like that on an occasion other than Halloween!!! Ohshun, sorry, annoying even in abreviated recap!!!!
4 of 11 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on July 2, 2008 5:59 PM
Awww, shucks everybody... for my first posting here on the fabulous TVgasm, you're showing me lots of love and kissy-smooches, and I'm so very happy you're enjoying it...
Reese, honey, please go find your p*ssy, you're gonna need it someday, and I don't want you to be mad at me if you laughed it off somewhere (seriously, thank you luv) Zbird, likewise, I hope you get your arse back (*mwah*). ArizonaTom, you're like paper when you cover me, and you're the scissors I break.. much love to you. Juddfan, I'm glad you enjoyed the detail I went into... I hope to narrow things down a little bit as they get rid of some of these people...
Thanks everybody, I'm excited to be here and looking forward to navigating this second season of snarky stylings!
love, J-Mo :)
5 of 11 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on July 2, 2008 8:45 PM
Awesome recap J-Mo! I missed this show but now I'll make a point to watch it, just to read your recaps later and giggle.
6 of 11 | Posted by teri00 | Posted on July 3, 2008 9:03 AM
Loved the phonetic dialect quotes, esp. Rene's! LMAO
7 of 11 | Posted by rubinia | Posted on July 3, 2008 10:54 AM
Hey, add me to the list of people who's looking for a missing body part after laughing so hard. I liked your Danny Does Dallas phonetic transcripts... Thank you for adding photos of the stylists, because as soon as the show was over, I had already forgotten what half of them looked like and their names. And you're not that far off the mark comparing Kim Vo to Michael Jackson, since he is Vietnamese, and it would never have occurred to me if I hadn't read it. I just knew he looked weird (although rather cutely weird!) However, if I picture him with black hair, he doesn't look that strange anymore - just heavily botoxed, maybe. Picture Michael Jackson with any other hair style/color, well... he's still a yucky alien.
8 of 11 | Posted by sayhuh | Posted on July 3, 2008 4:57 PM
Your recap was more entertaining than the episode! You are hilarious and so dead-on with your observations. Can't wait to read your next week's recap!
9 of 11 | Posted by pokerplayer | Posted on July 3, 2008 7:57 PM
Didn't catch up on the show til this weekend so I only just finished your recap. And what a great recap it was. You are going to be a terrific addition to the gasm.
I can't wait to read what you thought of the Real Housewives episode.
And I am eagerly anticipating the cutting of the crazy long hair.
Keep up the great work!
10 of 11 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie | Posted on July 5, 2008 11:17 AM
Awesome recap! Toooo funny. Your impression of Rene is spot on. Ugh! I cannot stand him. He ruins the show for me. Every time I see him appear, I get as annoyed as the contestants seem to get.
11 of 11 | Posted by SomeBunnyHatesYou | Posted on August 8, 2008 8:27 PM