Lesbiana Dee immediately gushes about how awesome it is to be cutting hair on the beach... yeah, not so awesome for whoever winds up having a picnic in the middle of greasy hair leavings later on. She says she's got a "hot model" and that she's gonna give him a "rock'n'roll style, that's fo SHO!" Ugh, as if long, greasy and unwashed wasn't already rock'n'roll enough. If I were a Surfer Dude and an obvious lesbian told me that *I* was hot, I'd be thinking that I must be looking kinda femmy...
..."So, like, who's this 'Uma' person you say I look like?"...
Lesbiana Dee continues to show that she's definitely qualified to bitch at Charlie about not having any "class" as she tells us her strategy this week going into this challenge is to "kick some muthafuckin' ass!" Yup, she's the Class Master In The Glass House and chucking rocks everywhere, that's fo SHO! And speaking of Bitchy Charlie, he says he's going to make his Surfer Dude look like James Dean... locked in a sweaty grapple with Sal Mineo. Okay, maybe that's Charlie's inner dialogue. Elsewhere in the Beach Salon, Dallas Daniel is telling his Surfer Dude in a somewhat querulous and unsteady voice that he's going to cut his hair short so he can slick it back and have that "Brad Pitt / Leo DiCaprio" look. Brad I can see, but... do people really want to look like Leonardo DiCaprio anymore?
Über-Gay Paulo is confiding to his Surfer Dude that he hopes everyone else fucks up. I just noticed that his client is actually pretty damned beefy and sexy... Ummmmm, be right back, I need a few minutes...
...hel-looooo big daddy... mmm!...
Okay, I'm back. And no, I wasn't doing anything gross, I just needed to pee. No, really. Stop looking at me like that. Let's move on.... Except... my GOD, is he rubbing his own nipple now???...
...Best. Challenge. Evah! WOOF!...
Über-Gay Paulo is saying that without being able to wash their hair that it was interesting to work with "sea-salt texture hair"... and then he says "Ugh... it was dirrty!" (gay eye-roll) Oh Paulo, I just love you, honey...
Meanwhile Dallas Daniel is back to calling Underdog Nicole "green" again. How about get a new adjective, Daniel? Nicole says in interview that she overheard the Southern Belles (Daniel & Glenn) talking shit about her and saying they'd like for her to go home because she's new to the industry, and Nicole ain't takin' that shit as she snaps "They want me to go home because I'm new, that I don't deserve to be here... this is a competition, fight for yourself and leave me the fuck alone!" *snap* *snap* *snap* You tell 'em, girl! I'm getting more and more scared of Nicole every day... remember...
We haven't yet checked in with Exotic SuperBitch Nekisa yet... according to Oscar Balki, they have "fiftee miness leff" (15, not 50) and she's already finished her cut, much to her Surfer Dude's amazement. She asks him, "You don't like a quickie?" and he comes back with "I don't like a quickie if only you get what you want..." With any other woman I'd say that was a backwards and chauvinistic comment, but Nekisa just giggles girlishly and calls him a "dirty boy" while Lesbiana Dee probably glares at the Surfer Dude in Nekisa's chair with growing resentment.
Hey, Uma Surfer has a twin sister on the beach, and he's Female Glenn's client! I don't know how that's gonna work out as it seems Female Glenn is attempting to give her Unwashed Twin a rather feminine cut (and eyebrow-scaping, which is always a masculine thang, right?) I smell trouble (and body-odor) in the wind...
And hey, Exotic Nekisa's dirty boy is "messing up" her awesome styling, and it's pissing her off! No more girlish giggles from her, and with Nekisa's stellar track record, I think in this case "messing up" probably equals "desperately trying to fix a giant hair-don't". Silly Nekisa, you're not going to get a super-sleek-n-sculpted look out of dirt-and-sand-encrusted-hair, dumbass!
Spreading the backbiting, Über-Gay Paulo says Emo Gail gave her client the dreaded "m-word"... mullet. And not just any mullet, but "a frickin' mullet comb-over!!" Bitchy Charlie chimes in that if people think Underdog Nicole is green, then Gail is neon green...
...it's not easy being Gail...
And now we come to the hair show... Beach Edition! We start with Female Glenn's client, Uma Surfer #2...
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Comments (14)
I love to snark with the best of them (and that would be you, J-Mo) but I could swear that, at the beginning of the elimination challenge, Rene turned to the clients and you could see he wears a hearing aid. Which explains the mush-mouth speech. No more makin' fun..... : (
Oscar, however, is still fair game.
1 of 14 | Posted by marishka | Posted on July 30, 2008 8:14 AM
"Next up is Emo Gail's Mullet Comb-over Victim..."
Look at the before and after photos. Does anyone else see that the chin hair is off center in the after photo? The guy will probably have to shave off all of his chin hair and start from scratch. Oh, he will also have to listen to "I
told you so" from his friends
who opted out of the "free haircut".
2 of 14 | Posted by Gertrude | Posted on July 30, 2008 12:03 PM
"Now is Paulo and his Big Sexy Daddy client. the second unruly and uneven soul patch in a row"
Sorry about the first two sentences in my comment. I jumped the gun.
3 of 14 | Posted by Gertrude | Posted on July 30, 2008 12:19 PM
Awww! We can't make fun of Rene anymore? My favorite part is J-Mo transcribing everything he says. And Daniel too. Daniel and Rene should get their own tv show. Imagine the recaps! I would be in heaven.
Hate Nekisa. She is so useless. And when she talks sometimes she drawls like she's drunk. Dee will go absolutely mental when Nekisa is sent home. I can't wait. It can't happen soon enough.
4 of 14 | Posted by shelleyh | Posted on July 30, 2008 12:22 PM
Ohhhh, marishka, dear GOD, no no no no NO, that CAN'T be a hearing aid, it's GOT to be just a plain ear-piece that René is using in order for Bravo to feed him his silly lines ("Okay, René, now tell them to SHAYGEDD!") it just HAS to be, I won't allow him to be handicapable like that.
Seriously, it HAS to be, or I am SO frying in hell by this early afternoon after all the fun I've made of his ESL speeches... you could be right, though... but it seems weird, I would have thought this would have come up in an interview somewhere, or maybe he's just a really good lip-reader... ugh, hate hate hate to have René taken away from me... I might still make fun since I'm probably hell-bound after all the debauched things I did in Louisville this weekend... eh well...
love, J-Mo :)
5 of 14 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on July 30, 2008 12:48 PM
Actually, I don't find it particularly cruel to transcribe his speech, whatever the cause, and it is enjoyable, and this recap, almost challenging to decipher all the accents . . . esp bitch guy . . . well, it clearly seems Gail isn't as experienced as the others, and all knew, hence the tears--I don't really feel too sad when they leave, tho I was misty watching "She's Got the Look" as I liked most of them toward the end--I did feel sad for these brave women, and in the end, Nicole's look rocked, the pics on line look great! A huge improvement, and she took 10 years off her--Cute, cute, cute!
J-mo, I love your knowledge of wigs, and you're absolutely right that drag queens would be the experts on that! I keep looking at those helmet-y wigs and thinking, couldn't they layer, or like Glenn's bitch girl, it was like a blunt cut of the ends. I also thought the comb over mullet was way better than the description--I didn't see the hair loss . . . call me crazy!!!
Well, Jmo, for me you can mock whoever whenever, it's always a blast! glad to hear you had a weekend of debauchery-I bet you could write a movie script about the whole thing!!!
6 of 14 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on July 30, 2008 2:22 PM
J-Mo, you are adorable! Thanks so much for posting your YouTube video from this week. Love the recaps, been reading for a while and your video made me jump to posting. Keep it coming, I'm addicted to tvgasm! By the way... Skunky McPussMunch... GENIUS! SHEAR GENIUS!!
7 of 14 | Posted by BugMom22 | Posted on July 30, 2008 4:26 PM
Dear J-Mo,
Feel free to mock whomever you want, but never, ever, ever, ever (to infinity) say anything disparaging about LEO!!
8 of 14 | Posted by Pegster | Posted on July 30, 2008 5:59 PM
Oh, J-Mo, please don't stop on my account! I won't be offended. I'll meet you in hell!
: )
9 of 14 | Posted by marishka | Posted on July 31, 2008 7:45 AM
j-mo you are adorable. seriously. and hilarious.
um can nekisa be less 'exotic nekisa' and more 'obnoxious nekisa'? honestly. cannot stand. do not want. she always has a different reason for why she sucks. i only need one: because she sucks.
liking paulo more and more, not sure if he's actually a spiky boob or was edited as such at first.
10 of 14 | Posted by mrsdaddytom | Posted on July 31, 2008 10:28 AM
I couldn't read the whole recap before I posted, but I have to have to have to before I leave on my vacation next week. I'm bummed, because I'll have limited internet access (they count it there in GBs, and my husband and I get 1 for the two of us - what is that in hours?) so I'll probably be missing the recaps for the rest of the summer... Grrrrrrrrr. I just wanted to tell you again how rockin' your recaps are, J-Mo, glad you had fun and managed to dodge all the stilettos in your trip, hope to have the chance to read the rest when I get back, CERTAINLY hope that you'll be recapping more shows for TVGasm when Shear Boob is over, and I'll meet you all in hell where we can laugh over Wene's transcribed accent (although he was quite a sweetie helping out with the wig this episode, wasn't he?) And when I saw the drag queen fest photo, am I the only one who had a little twinge of hope of seeing Chris March there in one of his Valkyrie outfits?
11 of 14 | Posted by sayhuh | Posted on July 31, 2008 12:44 PM
marishka, I think I'm gonna keep on to make fon ov Wené Fwiss and heez reedekolus ocksaynt because I am juss dat waiy. Besides, after I saw that some of the others over on bloggingsheargenius dot com actually made bald lady jokes in THEIR recaps, I felt a LOT better about mine (Sorry, I know these ladies are not being threatened with cancer, but even a cold-hearted cynic like myself can appreciate how much guts it would take for ANY woman to go on TV and just BE bald and NOT be Sinead O'Connor). So anyhow, deaf or not, René gets no pass... I'll see you in Hell's Kitchen, sayyyy around 8:30? Maybe Gordon Ramsay's crew of idiots can poison us with their raw meat.
Gertrude, honey, the fact that you read my blitherings is good enough for me, thank you for taking the time to comment...
shelleyh, I'm glad you have fun with my fun-with-phonetics, as Dallas Daniel would say "Thayat's swaite of yew!" Also, thank you for sharing my hoagie of hatred for Bitchzotic Nekisa, I can tell you feel where I'm coming from... wait. til. you. see. the. shit. she. pulled. last. night.
juddfan, thanks as always for the kissy-smoochies, I know I got a little carried away with Oscar Balki's trascriptions, but Jesus, I couldn't get "haard core duud" out of my head for HOURS... oh yeah, and on the DL... I made a new friend this weekend with a big ol' southern bubba... and he opened doors for me, so I felt the spirit of the Judd!
BugMom22, awww, shucks, *blush* you're too kind... I'm glad you're having a good time with this shit, I know I'm having a blast AND it's like free therapy so I take my aggression out on reality TV and not the world at large...
Pegster... never, ever, ever, ever? To infinity? And maybe beyond? You MUST know that to make such a demand of a smart-ass is dangerous and delicate work at best... if you had written just ONE more "ever" then you would have almost certainly GUARANTEED that I would have found a way to bring up the movie "The Beach" in my next recap, apropos or not... but since you restrained yourself, I will do my best to keep the Leonardo DiCaprio name out of my mouth... *ptooie!* There you go! kissies!
mrsdaddytom, your existential analysis is spot-on... Nekisa sucks simply because she sucks, and you're right, that's all we need to know. For realsies, thank you for the kind words, it makes my day fly by... xoxox
sayhuh, darlin', all I can say is... ¡Señora dulce, espero que sus vacaciones se estén relajando y que diversión! No se preocupe del TVgasm, todavía será aquí cuando usted vuelve, y usted podrá leer cómo los finales de la competición fue… ¡Tenga un gran tiempo! If any of that is wrong, blame babelfish. Also, I believe you gasmii are not going to be rid of me so quickly, for after "Shear Genius" completes this season, I am scheduled to start working on Season Two of Top Design!... AND the new "Shear Genius" spin-off "Salon Takeover With Tabatha"... yes, bitches, she's gonna get to cut up random salon employees and I, for one, cannot wait!
love, J-Mo :)
12 of 14 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on July 31, 2008 1:50 PM
LOVE LOVE LOVE the YouTube video! damn good choreography. wish i could've seen that in person. christina best be shakin in her boots!
personally, i'm not surprised for a second about wenay. i could've sworn there was a bit of a 'deaf' lilt in there and almost mentioned as much in previous comments. but his speech impediment doesn't make him any less endearing, it's the damn "hi-hi" that makes me want to take him out with garden shears.
13 of 14 | Posted by k37744 | Posted on August 1, 2008 8:33 AM
j to the mo, you will be recapping the tabatha spin off????
that just made, like, the rest of my life.
xoxoxoxoxox!!!!!
14 of 14 | Posted by mrsdaddytom | Posted on August 1, 2008 9:56 AM