Glenn says that her client is actually in an "altairnatiyuv rock bayand"... yup, and now he can join the Pussycat Dolls. Oscar Balki says he's "angelic" and a really young kid, so he needs something edgier (and now they're subtitling Oscar, I guess I wasn't the only one giving a WTF?-face to the TV whenever he opened his mushmouth). I wouldn't say "angelic" Uma #2 needs something edgier as much as he needs to just wake up a little...

Next up is Emo Gail's Mullet Comb-over Victim...

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Gail says something about having done a "vortex" cut. I dunno what that is, but it actually looks to me like she shoved this guy forward from 1992 to at least 1998. Oscar Balki says he thinks the execution was all right, but then he says "I thingit luks to me lyguh you tryun toomotch to cowver de ballness..." (which earns Oscar a dirty look from Über-Gay Paulo's hunky client, I don't know why, perhaps he's having some thinning issues himself.)

Now is Paulo and his Big Sexy Daddy client. Rowrrr! (making cougar-claw motions with my hand)...

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...and that's the second unruly and uneven soul patch in a row! I kinda like what Paulo did (or maybe I'm just jealous that Paulo got to be next to him while shirtless) but Oscar Balki is not crazy about it, he thinks it looks too much like what the guy already had. Shoulda cleaned up the soul-patch, Paulo... woulda made all the difference in the world. Plus maybe you coulda "accidentally" kissed him. drool...

Which brings us to Exotic SuperBitch Nekisa and her Dirty Boy Willy...

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Nekisa says Willy is actually more high-maintenance than her, which makes Dee smile creepily. Oscar Balki says it looks like she cut the back but left the front alone. This happens a lot with Nekisa's cuts, these judges keep telling her what she didn't do, and she keeps insisting that she did. It's annoying. Just like Nekisa. Bring back Drag Queen Meredith!

Well, here's our Bitchy Charlie's Surfer Dude James Dean...

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Too bad his client looks more like Jimmy Dean...

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...The Sausage King...

Oscar Balki says, "I thing yu wennaleedlebeet moor too consairvateev loog for heem, tomee reminza me too motch of a woll stree gai?" Huh? OH, a "Wall Street Guy"! Ouch, Charlie, haven't you found your balls since last week? Jeez, step it up, Queenella!

Speaking of giant balls, Lesbiana Dee presents her Uma Surfer #1...

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Dee says her guy is also in a rock band and that she gave him a modern-day shag, and keeps insisting that he looks sexy and masculine. I'm sorry, but other than being parted on the opposite side, I really don't see much difference between Uma #1 and Uma #2... Oscar Balki thinks Dee's Uma looks edgier... this is making Female Glenn's Uma #2 look decidedly sad, and my guess is that this kind of critique is bringing up some deep-seeded family issues between them...

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..."Mom always did like you best!" *snif*...

Now that Oscar has managed to drive a wedge between the Magical Uma Twins, he moves on to Underdog Nicole and her fugly Surfer Dude...

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Seriously, this looks like a mug shot, and I am personally grateful that Nicole cut his hair away from his face so I can get a better look at it next time I'm waiting in line at the post office and browsing the Most Wanted posters for possible dates. Oscar Balki likes it, and glurts out "I lyguh the fag thadyu kip da aygeeur look, I lyguh the fag thadhee steel hasdah Sarfur feeleeng, yu AIMfazize a leedlebeet moor tha lide collar in frond... wee call zees a 'bitch boy'!" Mr. Surfer Criminal looks ready to nut-punch Oscar Balki until he realizes what he really said. International incident averted!

Last up for judging is Dallas Daniel's Opie-Dude...

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Daniel says "The farst thaying ah fayownd owt about mah client is thayat not ownlee is he a surfer, but he's an ayckturr!" That's great, and with this new style I'm sure he'll be able to get any part he wants on PAX network... or maybe TBN, cuz those ears might be too edgy for PAX. Ugh, Daniel, you fucked it this time around...

Shear Genius: When Being A Drag Queen Would Come In Handy Sections:  1  |  2  |  3  |  4  |  5  |  6  |  7  |  8  |  9 

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Comments (14)

marishka:

I love to snark with the best of them (and that would be you, J-Mo) but I could swear that, at the beginning of the elimination challenge, Rene turned to the clients and you could see he wears a hearing aid. Which explains the mush-mouth speech. No more makin' fun..... : (

Oscar, however, is still fair game.


Gertrude:

"Next up is Emo Gail's Mullet Comb-over Victim..."

Look at the before and after photos. Does anyone else see that the chin hair is off center in the after photo? The guy will probably have to shave off all of his chin hair and start from scratch. Oh, he will also have to listen to "I
told you so" from his friends
who opted out of the "free haircut".

Gertrude:

"Now is Paulo and his Big Sexy Daddy client. the second unruly and uneven soul patch in a row"

Sorry about the first two sentences in my comment. I jumped the gun.

shelleyh:

Awww! We can't make fun of Rene anymore? My favorite part is J-Mo transcribing everything he says. And Daniel too. Daniel and Rene should get their own tv show. Imagine the recaps! I would be in heaven.

Hate Nekisa. She is so useless. And when she talks sometimes she drawls like she's drunk. Dee will go absolutely mental when Nekisa is sent home. I can't wait. It can't happen soon enough.

J-Mo:

Ohhhh, marishka, dear GOD, no no no no NO, that CAN'T be a hearing aid, it's GOT to be just a plain ear-piece that René is using in order for Bravo to feed him his silly lines ("Okay, René, now tell them to SHAYGEDD!") it just HAS to be, I won't allow him to be handicapable like that.

Seriously, it HAS to be, or I am SO frying in hell by this early afternoon after all the fun I've made of his ESL speeches... you could be right, though... but it seems weird, I would have thought this would have come up in an interview somewhere, or maybe he's just a really good lip-reader... ugh, hate hate hate to have René taken away from me... I might still make fun since I'm probably hell-bound after all the debauched things I did in Louisville this weekend... eh well...

love, J-Mo :)

juddfan:

Actually, I don't find it particularly cruel to transcribe his speech, whatever the cause, and it is enjoyable, and this recap, almost challenging to decipher all the accents . . . esp bitch guy . . . well, it clearly seems Gail isn't as experienced as the others, and all knew, hence the tears--I don't really feel too sad when they leave, tho I was misty watching "She's Got the Look" as I liked most of them toward the end--I did feel sad for these brave women, and in the end, Nicole's look rocked, the pics on line look great! A huge improvement, and she took 10 years off her--Cute, cute, cute!

J-mo, I love your knowledge of wigs, and you're absolutely right that drag queens would be the experts on that! I keep looking at those helmet-y wigs and thinking, couldn't they layer, or like Glenn's bitch girl, it was like a blunt cut of the ends. I also thought the comb over mullet was way better than the description--I didn't see the hair loss . . . call me crazy!!!

Well, Jmo, for me you can mock whoever whenever, it's always a blast! glad to hear you had a weekend of debauchery-I bet you could write a movie script about the whole thing!!!

BugMom22:

J-Mo, you are adorable! Thanks so much for posting your YouTube video from this week. Love the recaps, been reading for a while and your video made me jump to posting. Keep it coming, I'm addicted to tvgasm! By the way... Skunky McPussMunch... GENIUS! SHEAR GENIUS!!

Pegster:

Dear J-Mo,

Feel free to mock whomever you want, but never, ever, ever, ever (to infinity) say anything disparaging about LEO!!

marishka:

Oh, J-Mo, please don't stop on my account! I won't be offended. I'll meet you in hell!

: )

mrsdaddytom:

j-mo you are adorable. seriously. and hilarious.

um can nekisa be less 'exotic nekisa' and more 'obnoxious nekisa'? honestly. cannot stand. do not want. she always has a different reason for why she sucks. i only need one: because she sucks.

liking paulo more and more, not sure if he's actually a spiky boob or was edited as such at first.

sayhuh:

I couldn't read the whole recap before I posted, but I have to have to have to before I leave on my vacation next week. I'm bummed, because I'll have limited internet access (they count it there in GBs, and my husband and I get 1 for the two of us - what is that in hours?) so I'll probably be missing the recaps for the rest of the summer... Grrrrrrrrr. I just wanted to tell you again how rockin' your recaps are, J-Mo, glad you had fun and managed to dodge all the stilettos in your trip, hope to have the chance to read the rest when I get back, CERTAINLY hope that you'll be recapping more shows for TVGasm when Shear Boob is over, and I'll meet you all in hell where we can laugh over Wene's transcribed accent (although he was quite a sweetie helping out with the wig this episode, wasn't he?) And when I saw the drag queen fest photo, am I the only one who had a little twinge of hope of seeing Chris March there in one of his Valkyrie outfits?

J-Mo:

marishka, I think I'm gonna keep on to make fon ov Wené Fwiss and heez reedekolus ocksaynt because I am juss dat waiy. Besides, after I saw that some of the others over on bloggingsheargenius dot com actually made bald lady jokes in THEIR recaps, I felt a LOT better about mine (Sorry, I know these ladies are not being threatened with cancer, but even a cold-hearted cynic like myself can appreciate how much guts it would take for ANY woman to go on TV and just BE bald and NOT be Sinead O'Connor). So anyhow, deaf or not, René gets no pass... I'll see you in Hell's Kitchen, sayyyy around 8:30? Maybe Gordon Ramsay's crew of idiots can poison us with their raw meat.

Gertrude, honey, the fact that you read my blitherings is good enough for me, thank you for taking the time to comment...

shelleyh, I'm glad you have fun with my fun-with-phonetics, as Dallas Daniel would say "Thayat's swaite of yew!" Also, thank you for sharing my hoagie of hatred for Bitchzotic Nekisa, I can tell you feel where I'm coming from... wait. til. you. see. the. shit. she. pulled. last. night.

juddfan, thanks as always for the kissy-smoochies, I know I got a little carried away with Oscar Balki's trascriptions, but Jesus, I couldn't get "haard core duud" out of my head for HOURS... oh yeah, and on the DL... I made a new friend this weekend with a big ol' southern bubba... and he opened doors for me, so I felt the spirit of the Judd!

BugMom22, awww, shucks, *blush* you're too kind... I'm glad you're having a good time with this shit, I know I'm having a blast AND it's like free therapy so I take my aggression out on reality TV and not the world at large...

Pegster... never, ever, ever, ever? To infinity? And maybe beyond? You MUST know that to make such a demand of a smart-ass is dangerous and delicate work at best... if you had written just ONE more "ever" then you would have almost certainly GUARANTEED that I would have found a way to bring up the movie "The Beach" in my next recap, apropos or not... but since you restrained yourself, I will do my best to keep the Leonardo DiCaprio name out of my mouth... *ptooie!* There you go! kissies!

mrsdaddytom, your existential analysis is spot-on... Nekisa sucks simply because she sucks, and you're right, that's all we need to know. For realsies, thank you for the kind words, it makes my day fly by... xoxox

sayhuh, darlin', all I can say is... ¡Señora dulce, espero que sus vacaciones se estén relajando y que diversión! No se preocupe del TVgasm, todavía será aquí cuando usted vuelve, y usted podrá leer cómo los finales de la competición fue… ¡Tenga un gran tiempo! If any of that is wrong, blame babelfish. Also, I believe you gasmii are not going to be rid of me so quickly, for after "Shear Genius" completes this season, I am scheduled to start working on Season Two of Top Design!... AND the new "Shear Genius" spin-off "Salon Takeover With Tabatha"... yes, bitches, she's gonna get to cut up random salon employees and I, for one, cannot wait!

love, J-Mo :)

k37744:

LOVE LOVE LOVE the YouTube video! damn good choreography. wish i could've seen that in person. christina best be shakin in her boots!

personally, i'm not surprised for a second about wenay. i could've sworn there was a bit of a 'deaf' lilt in there and almost mentioned as much in previous comments. but his speech impediment doesn't make him any less endearing, it's the damn "hi-hi" that makes me want to take him out with garden shears.

mrsdaddytom:

j to the mo, you will be recapping the tabatha spin off????

that just made, like, the rest of my life.


xoxoxoxoxox!!!!!

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