What's that say?! At first I thought it said "HIV REAL" and was thinking "Wow - is that a statement or is he trying to promote awareness?" And then I thought "Oh - is it I-V REAL"? Promoting awareness for those receiving intravenous fluids? Oh - like Jessica! And then I finally realized "Ohhhh - it's "4 Real" - as in season 4." Yup - 10-15 seconds of my life I'll neeeever get back. What a stupid shirt... I want one.

Tonight's judges include Nigel, Mary and plastic-looking dame called Toni Basil. Tony Basil?! Who the fuck is Toni Basil!? Oh - she's the "Mickey" song girl. That all makes sense then - right?! Apparently she's been working on Bette Midler's show in Vegas. So she is pretty much here to plug that show - just as Nigel did a few weeks back. I'm guessing Fox owns a shitload of stock in Ceasar's Palace.

Or maybe Rupert Murdoch's banging Bette and Basil.

First up - Will picks Courtney out of a hat and she picks Hip Hop and Samba as their dances. Jean-Marc is choreographing their samba and he comments that this dance is like a "feast for the hips"! Well - I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Mia dances the samba allll day long. Hey now.

Jean-Marc tries to teach Will to loosen up his hips...

But instead he ends up carrying out the hit Jessica paid for.

Meanwhile Courtney loves the samba. But that could be because...

She gets to be in the world's grossest orgi.

Their samba starts and Will definitely has his hips shakin' but it kind of feels like both of their bodies are just convulsing to the music onstage. And surprisingly it seems like they're off a couple of times. Is Will starting to get a little careless out there?! Maybe so...

"Look Ma Allen! NO HANDS!!!"

Nigel thought the dance was great - although he said it got too caught up in technique at times. He also makes a point to mention (for the 43rd time) Will's ripped body. And for some reason how he should be in a sequel to "300" called "300: The Dance Off". I'd LOVE to see that!

I can already see the comparisons!!!

Mary says she thinks she's being punk'd because she sees two contemporary dancers doing an amazing samba. I would've said she was being Punk'd because she looks like the Chiquita banana lady dressed her this evening.

Toni is impressed that they could learn another style so quickly. She said it was so good she forgot she was judging. Great. This bodes well for the rest of the evening. Take your uppers lady! It's time to earn your free ad time!

Up next, Comfort! She tells us she started dancing because she liked "getting down with the fellas" and she wasn't a girly-girl. Mmm hmm. I'd make an assumption here but I don't want to get entangled in a lawsuit with the island of Lesbos.

She also tells us her parents tricked her into going to a dance school that was all ballet instead of Hip Hop. I can't imagine who was more surprised - her or the teachers at that school.

Comfort performs her solo and she does her impression of Michael Jackson's vacation on...

The... Island... of... Lesbos.

Next couple up - Twitch and Katee! I'm really excited about this pairing. It also turns out that they've known each other for awhile - both being from the OC. God - I hope they don't know Lauren from "The Hills" because I'll lose SO much respect for them.

Their first dance is a contemporary routine by none-other-than Mia Michaels. GASP! The whole story behind the dance is that it's about a couple who fight and Mia describes the girlfriend as being "co-dependent, wild and insane". What was it they say about art imitating life?

As part of the rehearsal process, Mia teaches Katee to beat the shit out of Twitch. Cool! When's she gonna bring Jessica in and teach Katee how to break someone's soul too?!! Neat-o!

Katee and Twitch start their routine to Duffy's "Mercy" (love it!) and there's a door set up in the middle of the stage. Props make me nervous. I know I've said this before. But I immediately start to worry about it breaking - or someone getting hurt - or did they get enough rehearsal time with it!? AHH! The questions and distractions! HOWEVER - nothing focuses your attention like starting off the routine with this...

Holy crappers! This IS like "The Hills"! At this rate I think Katee's gonna get the Twitch-itch too. Hopefully she'll be able to cure it with more dance and a topical cream.

Nigel thinks the performance was so fantastic it overshadowed the dancing (I agree - they "played" two people crazy-in-love very well!). It's at this point that the show takes an entirely different track. Nigel makes a joke about him letting a girl bang on his door - trying to get out. Apparently being held against your will is a laugh-riot back in England. And THEN he makes a comment that the girl was MARY. I'll give you all a moment to visualize, pour whatever kitchen solvents you have in the house into your eyes and pray for memory-loss.

Nigel says he'd love to know what goes on in Mia's head.

Here's my guess.

Mary starts off her comments with a knock-knock joke: "Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "2" "2 who?" "TWO OF THE BEST DANCERS ON THIS SHOW!!!" Originally I thought she must have writers because of the shit she comes out with. But now? Now I just think if she does have writers they should be shot on sight.

Mary goes on to say the dance was one of the season's best. She then attacks Nigel for his comments - making for one of my favorite screen shots of the season:

Ahhh... if only!

Toni Basil calls Twitch and Katee "lucky" for having the chance to be choreographed by Mia. She then yells "Do me a number Mia!" Yeah Mia - do her a number! Preferably one where she won't blow out her hip and cause her new face to unhinge.

She congratulates them on infusing personality in their dance and proudly states she forgot to take notes again. I haven't seen someone blatantly disregard their job like this since Britney's last publicist.

Will's solo is up next and we learn that Will was inspired to dance because of "Dirty Dancing". That's weird - because that movie inspired me to perform do-it-yourself abortions. Oh well - to each his own.

Will tells us how the love story between him and Debbie Allen began. She met him at a party, got his phone number - you know - tale as old as time. Let's hope he makes her proud on this show - cause she's a bowl full of crazy and I'd hate to see the spankin' he'd get.

And his solo?! OMG!! AWESOME! He does a whole James Brown number which KICKS ASS. Honestly - I've always been so-so about Will but this won me over. There's even a move where he jumps into the air and lands in a split. The boy has talent...

And he even looks like him. He's totally one "Bitch-slap-a-ho" away from being James Brown.

The crowd goes nuts and he gets a standing ovation from the judges. I hate kissing his ass but I could have watched a whole routine of that.

Next up - Mark chooses Comfort and they get the Foxtrot and Hip-Hop. Talk about two different sides of dance - I could do without Foxtrot though - that and the Quick Step could get dropped from the show and I'd be completely happy.

And here they are everyone's fav thug-couple - Napitha/Taboleon - here to teach the routine. It's supposed to be about 2 kids in detention. We find out Comfort always went to detention and Mark never did. Ironic since I'm guessing Comfort got sent there for beating the snot out of kids like Mark.

BTW - side note...

Mark has the worst rehearsal hair... ever.

The time comes for Mark and Comfort to perform their Hip Hop routine and it's FANTASTIC. I think it's one of the most successful "traditional" Hip-Hop routines on the show this season. Comfort is CLEARLY at her best here and Mark totally steps up.

AND they give proper "stank face" throughout the entire routine.

After the routine Mark opens up the note he was writing at the beginning of the routine...

And reveals his top 6 responses to being hit on when he's out on the town.

Nigel says he was surprised that Comfort dances much better when she's choreographed rather than in her solos. He then says the big surprise is how great Mark was. Comfort makes "stank face" at that comment. I like her honesty. I'm always thinking "BULLSHIT!" when people stand there and smile while their partner gets all the praise (Jessica). I love how Comfort keeps it real. "Mmmm hmmm! Oh heelllllllll no!"

Mary also loved it and congratulates Comfort on "hittin' it". She really did. And that's all Mary says - no screaming or asinine remarks. What have you done with our Mary?!

Toni starts by telling us that she takes class from Napitha "every now and then". WHAT?! Now THAT is a routine I'd PAY to see! Can you imagine this basket-o-plastic poppin' all over the place? I'd be afraid all the skin she has tied up in that bun on her head would pop loose and she'd end up looking like Droopy Dog.

"Oh Mickey...you're so fine... you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey."

Toni tells us the "ear" is what's most important and goes on to mention "groove". CONGRATS NIGEL! You quite possibly found the one person to judge that makes less fucking sense than Mary! No wonder she seems calm this episode!

Up next - a solo from Katee. We learn that she started out dancing Tap. That's about it. Boo - boring back-story! Make some shit up or something Katee!

But of course she makes up for it with an amazing solo.

Seriously? The only way I could do this move is if I slipped on ice with a rocket attached to my foot.

Up next - Joshua and Chelsea get Argentine Tango (Yeah!) and Disco (Ick). First up - the tango which is being taught by our old favorite...

(THEN) YIKES. Apparently time has not been kind to our little Russian. (NOW)

Someone's either been doing blow or hasn't slept in 2 years. I hope it's the latter.

Dmitry tells us that with this routine we're going back to the 1920's - a time when the tango was forbidden. Ooohhh! Even more interesting is the relationship between Joshua and Chelsea. Who have a love/hate relationship. As in "I love to hate it." Chelsea seems to be blossoming into a little brat that rattles out demands and taunts. I hope Joshua drops her on her head a few times to put her in her place.

As immature as Chelsea can come off - her dancing is phenomenal. Both her and Joshua dance their tango with precision, style and actual passion. And by passion - I mean it looks like Joshua is a little smitten with this season's "Miley Cyrus".

"Let me wipe that drool from your chin..."

Nigel compliments Chelsea on her legs (again) and calls out Joshua's big "bum" (again). Looks like Nigel's a real legs and ass man. Nigel also gives a shout out to Dmitry for an excellent routine. What, Nigel?! No comments on Dmitry's pec's?!

Mary likes that Joshua set the mood and committed to the tango. She also tells Chelsea this has been her best tango - and says it may be because of the chemistry - which is keeping them on... THE HOT TAMALE TRAIN!!! (Obnoxious screaming occurs.)

Toni observes that the Argentinean Tango - is the most "street" of all the tangos. What?! I'm guessing everything this lady thinks she knows about the street she read in an issue of "Reader's Digest" - in 1982. Or maybe she just rented "Step It Up 2: The Streets". Either way - from the looks of her hair, make-up and boob job - the one thing she might know is the going rate for giving a backseat HJ.

Toni also says she looks for "spontaneous" and "torrid" - which is exactly what she saw. Torrid? Was that an 80's word? Oh Mickey.

Up next - Mark with a solo. Mark first got into dance because of a Hawaiian production of "Phantom of the Opera". Which is similar to the original except in this one no one dies because they all live aloha... and eat chocolate covered macadamia nuts. (I mean seriously - has anyone ever received a gift from someone's Hawaiian vacation other than chocolate covered macadamia nuts?!)

Mark grew up going to a dance school being the only boy there - and he admits he was really "different" from everyone growing up. Oh boy. Dear Mark, You'll be getting calls from Logo and Bravo for your life story right after this show. Don't ask why.

His solo is pretty good - classic weirdness/uniqueness with a spunky vibe to all of it. However the best part comes while Cat does her spiel...

He vogues during it! This kid's the love child of Madonna and Duckie from "Pretty in Pink".

We're halfway through and it's time to see the couples all over again with another dance! How much you wanna bet that next season Fox does a 4 hour Wednesday night show - makes the kids dance 3 dances - with an entire hour dedicated to Snuggle the dancing bear?!

Up next - Will and Courtney do a "slow Hip-Hop" with Taboleon. The theme of it is turning back time. If this has Cher and/or a boatful of sailors in it I'm going to be stoked. Oh - nevermind - Will's plays dead in it. BUMMER.

And since Will's supposed to be a "ghost", the producers decide to take the rehearsal footage to the next (creepy) level...

Ooohh! And make him see-through - just like a ghost. Well, at least now he knows how Jessica felt every friggin' episode.

Lights up on stage and we see Courtney looking at photos - while dressed like something out of an 80's rock video. It's definitely not the outfit it should've been...

I would have voted for Courtney 30 times if she wore this. "Whoa!"

Anyways, Will "appears" from the middle of the stage and they do their whole Hip Hop version of the Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze thing. It starts out ok but then gets better and better. I like the parts when they try to hold each other but just keep missing or slipping away.

My favorite part is where they "paper, rock, scissors" to see who has to give Nigel his nightly foot massage tonight.

Speaking of - Nigel tells us this season is the first that he's emotionally affected by the Hip Hop routines. OUCH! How's that feel Shane Sparks?! Can you hear that over at "ABDC" you traitor!?

Nigel also comments that he wanted them to dance for themselves and not for anyone else - and he got to be the "voyeur". Seriously?! It's like he TRIES to be creepy!! Like really hard! I just read in a poll how 27% saw him as "creepy but funny" and 66% just saw him as "very creepy".

NIGEL!! WTF are you doing!? Image crisis! My suggestion? Bring Mia back to every judge's table for diversion. You could skull fuck an antelope and everyone would still be more concerned about what a bitch she was being.

And before Mary speaks - side note - can someone PLEASE tell her to stop applauding into the goddamn microphone?! WHACK WHACK WHACK!!! Does anyone else notice it!? Every time. If you're gonna make that much noise do it by pounding your empty head into the table.

Anyways - Mary tells Will and Courtney she has tremendous expectations for them - and after a overly-dramatic pause(go figure) - she tells them they blew expectations out of the water. She's especially pleased with the way the routine peaked. I guess that's what I meant by starting out "eh" and ending up "good". Mary screams that it "made her feel great!" Either that or the producers timed her uppers just right this evening.

Toni begins by saying "When I started out as a locker..." Huh?! Did she mean Laker? As in Laker girl? Because I cannot imagine this lady doing hip hop. Did she?! NO! Then she says "street" was just "kid stuff" when she started. Yeah yeah - we get it - and you walked to school in the snow and it was uphill both ways. Sheesh.

Toni finishes her diatribe with "And I feel that America will never feel the same way about dance again after this show." CHAAAAA-CHING!!! There it is folks! And THAT'S how a guest judge earns her paycheck! She could let her hair down and peace out for the rest of the night if she wanted to - her work here is done.

Next up - Chelsea with her solo. She started dancing at 9 years old (which was like 2 years ago or something) and she did it to make friends.

And what kind of friends does one make while dancing, Chelsea? From the looks of the guy behind you...Your bestie was Boner from "Growing Pains".

She does a pretty nice solo but it has a million and twelve turns in it. Which to me is a little much. And she does that leg thing where it's one foot in front of the other really fast - over and over and over again. (Can one of you dance-educated Gasmii tell me the name of it?) She does it well - it's just that it doesn't really pack a "wow factor" like a solo should.

Up next - Katee and Twitch doing a Broadway number with Tyce. In this number Katee wants Twitch but Twitch isn't gonna want her back. I wouldn't either with those bangs. Ugh.

Their number starts onstage and the first thing I notice is...

Subtlety may not be playing a part in this.

Their routine has a fun, broadway-feel to it. Although I'm not totally sold - I think there have been better Broadway numbers in the past. And why out of all Broadway numbers do they never choose the well-known ones? I have a feeling cost has something to do with it. Leave it to Fox to get cheap with art.

Well... at least we got to see the two-headed totem pole known as "Twitee"! (Was that a stretch? Sorry - it was either that or a dirty joke about a skid mark on Twitch's neck and I thought better of it.)

Nigel says it was a dance he would expect to see on Broadway (well maybe off-off-Broadway) and says he is most pleased with Twitch's character and versatility. He also drops the love-bomb of "Katee, there isn't one routine you've done this season that I haven't liked." WOW! I have to say I agree with Nigel. Ew - that doesn't make me creepy by association does it?!

Mary decides not to "fake them out" (perhaps since it's completely predictable and we can see it from a mile away every time) and tells them it was "terrrrrifffic!!!!" She goes on and on about how amazing the routine was. Really? I thought it was good but it totally wasn't THAT amazing. They're acting like it's going to reinvent Broadway. And uh - that's totally Disney's job - so back off. Or Mickey's gonna tear off your arms and beat you with them. Speaking of Mickey...

Our dear Toni says she's going to DISAGREE with Nigel and Mary on a few things!! HOLD UP! Stop payment on that check of hers!!! Oh wait - she says that Twitch is better than any Broadway dancer. There we go - right back into the "reality" of this show. Aaaand her paycheck was just doubled.

And then Toni says that "Katee's vocal was a deep, rough voice that made it difficult for her personality." WHAT?!! She's totally fucking looney. Wait...

Ok. Now imagine that sentence coming from this lady. See? Totally looney. Or maybe judging genius. You decide. Either way, I'm glad she dressed up as Pebbles tonight.

Next solo - Joshua - who tells us his 3rd grade teacher sent him to the principal's office for dancing too much. She's also the same lady that helped him get an audition for "Pepito's Story". Joshua says this like I should know what the hell show that is - I don't - but I'm guessing it has to do with crossing a border and getting a "yob".

Joshua's solo is great - some cool slow moves and fantastic fast ones. HOWEVER...

DITCH THE PONY TAIL!!! ICK. Can someone please get Joshua and Katee guest spots on "Shear Genius"!?!?

Next solo - Courtney. She tells us it all started when she dressed up as "Little Bo Peep". And then she goes through the whole a-z of dance school progression. SNORESVILLE! Give us some dirt! Like does Gev call you sobbing in the middle of night recounting the glory days?! Or does he just ask for his balls back?

Courtney's solo is beautiful and probably one of the best girl solos of the evening. It actually feels choreographed - unlike Chelsea's. My only problem is that it's so pretty and the music is beautiful and then we get jolted with "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE DANCE DANCE!!!" Ugh. Can we please do away with that?! At least the audience has stopped counting down like morons.

Twitch is our next solo. He tells us that he didn't start dancing seriously until senior year in highschool - which is like 60 years old in dance years. Twitch comments that he comes from Alabama...

"Where guys dancing is not that openly accepted." And the producers were sweet enough to flash this photo as he said that. You sure you people don't work for TVGasm?

Twitch also lived in South Korea for 9 months. I did not see that coming. And why 9 months? Did he fly the coop when "Twitchy-san" was born?

Twitch's solo is one of his best. He does a weird little ballet skip across the stage and even incorporates high-fiving the audience into it. I think all of the dancers are bringing their best solos out tonight - they better - it's no longer about who's great - it's about who blows your socks off. Or in the case of Toni or Mary - blows your wig off.

Next up - Comfort and Mark rehearse their dreaded Foxtrot with Jean-Marc. He says they'll have to move their "little tooch" because it's not gonna be easy. During rehearsal Comfort pulls a crazy move out and Jean-Marc quips, "Hey - she looks so comfort with it!" HEY OH! Wow - we almost made it through the season without anyone making a "Comfort" joke!! SO CLOSE! Leave it to Frenchie to ruin it.

Mark and Comfort commiserate that it's a really hard routine to learn and that the lift is "sabotage"!

Yikes. Should be a great performance! If anything I love a good train wreck! (PS - I love the redhead's look in the background.)

Their performance isn't a train wreck - more like a slow-moving train ride. It's slow, pretty, adequate - and you know it's gonna come in on time - but it's just not that fun. Oh MY GOD. Did I just come out with a stupid analogy?!?! This show is turning my brain to mush! I'M TURNING INTO MARY MURPHY!!! FUUUUUUUCK!

Anyways (we shall never speak of what just happened) there is one move that I enjoyed since it was quite unexpected from Comfort:

BA BAM! They don't teach that move on the street! Unless you're hailing a cab in the red light district of course. "Taxi!" BAM!

Nigel says that "Lady Luck walked out when you got your fox trot." He says the chemistry was lacking and it was amateurish. OUCH! That was surprising. However more surprising was that Nigel mentioned "Lady Luck" and didn't follow it with "Which reminds me of Vegas - which reminds me of Vegas shows - which reminds me of Bette Midler's show - which reminds me that tickets are still on sale - which reminds me of great seats still being available! Take it away Toni!"

Mary feels the same way - that the transitions were rough and she saw the worst "closed hole" she's ever seen. WOW. I'm guessing there aren't any mirrors in her bathroom.

Toni goes apeshit on Comfort's turns. She says it should "lift the audience and take them away!" Wow. That's alot to ask of a turn. However Toni closes with "Your Hip Hop was FAAAAAABULOUS!" Nice subject change.

And it's time for the final performance! Chelsea and Joshua are performing a Disco number (not my fav ever) with Dorianna Sanchez. They spend 95% of rehearsal dicking around and beating on each other - so either the sexual tension is gonna make this number work - or it's gonna be a pile of poop with a disco ball over it. Ta dah!

They also need to learn a ton of lifts for the number. One of the lifts, according to Dorianna, is the hardest lift she's ever attempted to teach. I have to admit - if this ends with Joshua hurling Chelsea into the judges table - it will officially be my greatest day.

Meanwhile - Chelsea is amazed when she discovers that she can cross fingers on both hands... at the same time!!!

Joshua and Chelsea hit the stage with their disco number and it's definitely entertaining. But in a way like I felt like I was watching a sporting event. Bodies were being thrown everywhere - I didn't really know what was going on - "Was that the right way to do it?!" - "Did he just bash her into the floor on purpose!?" It was all very brutal. But entertaining.

And this routine had the best move of the whole evening:

Joshua spins "Miley Cyrus" around and flips her halfway through the spin! WHAT?! Not as cool as if he flung her into the audience of pre-teens - but still impressive.

Nigel takes this chance to name all of the Vegas choreographers in the house. Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching! Oy. Nigel gives Joshua props for being strong enough to do all of the crazy lifts. It's all in the "bum" Nigel.

Mary loved it and thought Chelsea deserves credit for making her landings "soft" (so true - I've noticed how the other girls land like a 747 after some of their lifts) and for pulling off that kick-ass airplane move above.

Toni comments how Joshua wasn't even born back when she was disco-ing - does this lady love to age herself or what?! She's probably thinking with all of her plastic we're gonna think "NO - She can't POSSIBLY be that old!!!" Let's just end this on a good note and say "WHHHAAAAT?! You were alive during the 70's?!?! That's almost as crazy as a lady with more lifts than the routine we just saw!"

AND THAT'S IT! Why is it that although there's less and less people these shows feel longer and longer?! I guess as you get to know these friendly faces it becomes harder to bust on them. Well - that and I'm running out of wise ass remarks.

So how'd everyone feel about the show?! High points? Low points?! Am I off my rocker on anything?! Any mind-bending Toni-ism's?! Caddy bitchiness?! Keep it real, show the love and DISH IT!!!

« Auditiongasm: Fill 'Er Up |

Posted in So You Think You Can Dance by bBitz at 11:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Last Comment: pancake451 on Jul 28, 2008 12:25 PM.