I sat down to watch the hour and a half (I guess that's what we'll get every week) airing of SYTYCD. I power up the TiVo, select SYTYCD, fast forward through the catchy opening and commercials to get to the show itself. The show starts with the choreographers cutting the group of 24 down to the final 16. Wait! Huh? Did I miss something? I rewind TiVo. Nope, trusty TiVo didn't screw up. This is how the show starts. I'm confused. Didn't last week's episode end with them paring the 50 dancers down to 24? Has there been more dancing we didn't see? By the show's end, I deduce that the choreographers have spent the last week going over the tapes of the performances like the Michael Jackson jury reviewing ABC's Martin Bashir documentary at Jackson's child molestation trial. You have to make sure they didn't miss anything the first time, I guess.

Lauren Sanchez and her ENORMOUS cleavage shows us the holding room for the dancers. I just can't get past those cantaloupes on her chest. If they were anywhere near my face I'd be afraid her bouncing around would give me a black eye. Apparently, the contestants will be waiting there for hours to face the choreographers. Will they get sent to the "yes" room or the "no" room? Ahhhh, the suspense. Not really. Remember SYTYCD producers, with the exception of one or two dancers that you've focused on in previous weeks, we don't care one way or another about this bunch of idiots, so please, pick up the pace. Seriously, Three hours to take 50 down to 16, is there any wonder nobody talks about this show?

Quick, count the plastic surgeries. You have ten seconds.

We see some of these contestants for what seems the first time, as they face the judges. We're introduced to Jonathan Tannis, who goes by "Jonnis." Again, the creativity that these people use in their name selection is amazing. Last week we saw Jewish choreographer Be Free (real name: Brian Friedman), and this week, Jonnis has created a new name by combining his first and last names into one. Get it, Jon from Jonathan, and nis from Tannis. The TVgasm offices have obviously taken some pointers from these guys. J-Unit's real name is Jelly Bean Apartment Unit, but he just goes by "J-Unit." Clever, huh?

Pretty soon, I'm onto these choreographers. They create fake suspense with both the contestants and the audience by making each person who is going to go through to the next round sweat it out and think they are not going to make it. We watch stoic dancers, saving their tears for the "no" room, only to be surprised when one of the choreographers shouts, "You're going through to the next round!" Shock registers on their faces! There are tears of joy! And a few "you guys are mean." But hey, these choreographers need to get their rocks off somehow. The dancers who don't make it are generally dismissed pretty quickly with a "sorry," although occasionally, there is a tearful goodbye by one of the choreographers (usually ballroom Mary or lyrical Mia, 'cause really, no one person under the age of 50 specializes in those areas anymore, so even if they're good in those classes, it's not enough), but we don't care.

As the contestants leave the judging room for hallway outside the respective "yes" and "no" rooms, their friend and confidante Lauren Sanchez is there to greet them with fake enthusiasm. Destiny, a relatively unremarkable dancer outside of her rather large ass, gets a hug as Lauren feigns sincerity with hands clasped across her GIGANTIC breasts. Lauren's acting is so bad, she couldn't get a speaking role doing puppet theater in Silver Lake.

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Posted in So You Think You Can Dance by Guest Columnist at 11:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
Last Comment: Mambo Jambo on Aug 16, 2005 09:44 AM.

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