by FauxMichael
When TVgasm asked me to do a recap for Monday Night Football, the first thing I thought was, is there any way I can get some free sex out of this? B-Side informed me I'd still have to pay, and while I was disappointed, frankly the whole naughty factor still hooks me in each and every time.
Regardless, I should begin by saying I'm a native of Northeast Ohio, and therefore a fan of the Cleveland Browns. If you're not familiar with the Browns, they were stolen from us in 1995 by an evil cult known as the city of Baltimore. When the Browns left, I left the NFL. When the Browns came back in 1999, they sucked. From 2000-present, they sucked.
Being that my interest in pro football is sparked only when the Browns are not sucking, for all intents and purposes, I haven't known jack about the NFL since about 1994, which frankly should make for a more entertaining recap. If that doesnt entice you to come inside, then know this: I have Kaysar news!
Its 6:01 in Southern California, and if you've never lived on the West Coast, one of the oddest things is having sports start at earlier times. The sun is still out, people are still at work, and I haven't shaved in three days. ABC is now on my TV, and it looks to me like Pittsburg is playing San Diego. Great. The only way I could want to watch this game less is if Pittsburg were somehow playing itself.
Here we go -- my reintroduction to MNF. They're playing some sort of army-horse-drama-marching music. There's the stadium; looks like we're in San Diego. Cool, a helicopter. Flags! Four helicopters! Everyone is very excited. When did regular season NFL games turn into the Super Bowl? We move down to the field -- there's a bunch of military men -- one of them is screaming "Are you ready?!?!?" The crowd responds. I'm creeped out --what the hell is going on?
Now the teams are running out of the tunnels. I feel like this is all building toward a huge explosion or some kind. Now we hear voices, and we're up in the booth. I'm let down.
Al Michaels is still hosting MNF, and at some point in the past 11 years, John Madden hopped in the booth with him. MY GOD, look at this man's head. If this is how bloated you get at age 143, count me out.
The best thing about John Madden, besides the fact that he's probably going to have a heart attack sometime during these next three hours, is that 8 out of 10 pictures have him standing exactly like this:
He's all like, "Hey, what do I know? I'm just here watching the game with you, pal. Can I call you pal? I sure feel like we're pals! Buddy." It makes me feel comfortable. By osmosis, you are now comfortable and completely at ease with me. Email me your credit card numbers.
Michaels says a bunch of stuff I don't get. I don't know who LaDandelion Thomsicle or Ben Ruffleburgers are, but they must be important. Then Al says that everyone is "stoked" in a grab for that elusive 18-34 year-old male. It's 2005, Al -- the only people who are "stoked" are now in the 35-50 demo. Here we go -- it'll be interesting to see how they've changed the opener -- there's no way it's still that bearded hillbilly with the "Are you ready for some football" song, right?
Oh. There he is. It's a little supercharged from what I remember, but -- whoa! This all moves real fast -- lots of input -- um okay - cowboys girls robots get ready hit it steelers al john keys babies fireworks producer credits lightning more robots dancing flux capacitors screaming MONDAY NIGHT WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
This is professional football in the future, folks. Thank god I went for the downers instead of the uppers tonight. Either way, I'm paranoid and am going to watch this from under the kitchen table. My sister says our kitchen has AIDS. We need to clean.
I'm exhausted, and we're only now getting to the kickoff, which San Diego does. Flag on the play. Referee Jeff Tripplet is on the call. 11 years later and I still can't understand what they say. Have microphones been left behind in the technological revolution?
Steelers are offensing. Apparently Ruffleburgers is pretty good -- so good he just threw it out of bounds. Football has changed -- we used to always say that was bad. Whoa! Marty Schottenheimer coaches the Chargers! That means lots of the dreaded Marty-Ball. Poor kid.
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Comments (22)
Faux Michael=fabulous.
Donyell=Ludacris.
Made me laugh so hard I got teary...*sniff*
Go sleep it off, Faux! :)
1 of 22 | Posted by Helenann | Posted on October 11, 2005 2:00 AM
OMG, this was awesome. More! More!
San Diego is sad. :( HA!
2 of 22 | Posted by Jess | Posted on October 11, 2005 5:51 AM
they are called the Browns 2.0
Hey, at least your not a Dallass fan.
3 of 22 | Posted by EdHillHill | Posted on October 11, 2005 6:10 AM
i am a browns fan too live in on the east coast of ohio on the river close pittsburgh. so i am always wanting the squeelers to loose. and i love the way you kept spelling big bens name!
Let's Go Cleveland!! Woof Woof!!
4 of 22 | Posted by whome?? | Posted on October 11, 2005 7:34 AM
art modell is the anti-christ.
go browns!
5 of 22 | Posted by copygodd | Posted on October 11, 2005 8:13 AM
Cleveland sucks. But they beat the Bears (I live in Chicago) so that made me hapy.
If the Steelers have a better record going into Sundays than the Bears (husband's team) then I get the big tv.
Go Steelers!
6 of 22 | Posted by kimmy | Posted on October 11, 2005 9:02 AM
Dear Sir,
PittsburgH
You got it halfway through the recap, but still.
PS. The Browns suck.
Love,
A Die-hard Steelers fan.
7 of 22 | Posted by norrinator | Posted on October 11, 2005 9:09 AM
That was seriously one of the funniest things I've read in a really long time. Keep it up. Might also want to look into College Game Day on ESPN--Nick Lachey makes cameos!
8 of 22 | Posted by lemony | Posted on October 11, 2005 10:22 AM
norrinator,
I ditto that.
Sincerely,
Ben Toothlessberger's wife
PS There was a lot of mentioning of 'hard pounding' during the game.
9 of 22 | Posted by Tootie | Posted on October 11, 2005 1:50 PM
This site has had some damn funny recaps, and this one is certainly up there with the best I've read. I hope you do more MNF recaps, but just make sure to maintain your lack of exposure to today's NFL. That was a big part of what made this recap so hilarious.
10 of 22 | Posted by Sir Jiggabins | Posted on October 11, 2005 4:24 PM
Go to Hell, Art Modell
--to be chanted before each and every Brownie game
A Browns AND Steelers fan
(yes, we actually do exist)
11 of 22 | Posted by Brilliant, Oh | Posted on October 11, 2005 5:08 PM
kimmy,
You're a fuck. The Bears are the best.
sincerely,
The Svan
12 of 22 | Posted by The Svan | Posted on October 11, 2005 5:47 PM
Go Steelers! Funny recap, but you didn't mention the guy hurdling over the defender after the interception. That was awesome to watch!
13 of 22 | Posted by Dana | Posted on October 11, 2005 8:17 PM
I love reading your recaps on the reality shows, but c'mon...this just sucked..I can see that you hate sports, but this game was AWESOME! This made me not like you very much.
HERE WE GO STEELERS HERE WE GO! PITTSBURGH'S GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!
14 of 22 | Posted by Angie | Posted on October 11, 2005 8:36 PM
Hey Angie you genius, did you read the end? The guy runs a sports blog site! Yeah I'm sure he hates sports! lol
15 of 22 | Posted by Rip | Posted on October 11, 2005 8:39 PM
Did anyone else happen to catch the big ben interview during some random let's show our super nifty graphic and meet the quaterback segment? Apparently Ben feels the best place to meet chicks is on the internet...weird.
PITTSBURGH STEELER TIME!
16 of 22 | Posted by sammy | Posted on October 12, 2005 12:58 AM
"I think there was a fingernail penalty and another touchdown."
nice :)
I certainly hope MNF re-caps are going to be staple 'gasm fare and FauxMichael is perfect for the job.
YAYfootball re-caps!
17 of 22 | Posted by Laura | Posted on October 12, 2005 5:02 AM
i wasn't going to read this because i couldn't care less about worthlessburger (despite the fact that i went to muohio.edu with him), but when i saw it was written by a browns fan i couldn't resist. faux michael is quickly becoming my favorite guest writer...go browns!
18 of 22 | Posted by ldini79 | Posted on October 12, 2005 6:16 AM
Pittsburgh ain't going to the Super Bowl. You're going down to the Patriots in January. Again. They could beat you with Tom Brady and a team of Munchkins and Oompa-Loompas. Then, we're going to Indy and then we're going to Detroit and we're going to take home another Super Bowl. YAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, let me tell you how ugly Pittsburgh is. Everyone there has Bill Cowher mustaches, even the women. If the city were to institute a mandatory burkha-wearing dress code for women in public, men would be much better off. Then again, they're all corpulent creeps anyways.
Has a good TV show ever been set in Pittsburgh? Queer As Folk sucks and blows (pun intended). Nobody watched The Guardian. And Mr. Belvedere doesn't count since it took place in Beaver Falls.
Yeah, the Dirty O rocks and Primanti Brothers has great food, but in terms of entertainment and culture, Pittsburgh has none.
Clones, I'm out.
19 of 22 | Posted by The Dogg Pound | Posted on October 12, 2005 10:10 AM
No, come on---tell us how you REALLY feel about Pittsburgh.
20 of 22 | Posted by cece | Posted on October 12, 2005 10:27 AM
Damn San Diego! Recap was great!
GO EAGLES!!!!!!! (thank goodness we have a bye this week)
21 of 22 | Posted by E-A-G-L-E-S | Posted on October 12, 2005 11:42 AM
I love a Pittsburgh hater.
22 of 22 | Posted by Alex | Posted on October 13, 2005 8:54 AM