Bonnie Bernstein
We're almost certain that Bonnie's wrapped up one of the coveted sideline spots for tonight. The only reason she wouldn't be there would be if an emergency Hadassah meeting demanded her attention. And/or the Raiders suddenly imposed a ban on large, distracting hats. We give her 3-2 odds. Update: As predicted, Bonnie Bernstein is indeed working the sidelines at the game. No word if she has a Tafoya-ish sidekick present.

Rachel Nichols
Her robotic, unblinking delivery might work against her, but her step-mother is Diane Sawyer, and if she can't pull any strings in the ABC/ESPN universe, no one can. We're putting the odds for Rachel at 5-1.

Maria Conchita Alonso
Haven't seen much of her recently, but she's poised for a comeback in a big way. Everybody loves a spicy Latina! Odds: 7-1.

Ruth Buzzi
Raiders home opening? It's a pretty obvious choice. After all, when I think of the Black Hole, I think of one thing: Ruth Buzzi. Odds: 10-1.

Dr. Maya Angelou
A supple pigskin, held against the palm. Its porous texture like a million tears flowing through the soul. Behold, the sport of Man is rich and crass, its speed a centrifuge through which I pour my heart and shame. Oh grassy turf with your toe-bending grasp. Trodden, sowed, tilled and dyed. A slave to competition, a mother to pain. She is the football. And the football is her bosom. Odds: 50-1.

Water bottle
Incisive commentary, visually appealing, quick-witted. Odds: 2-1.