Let’s go inside. Lotsa blue in the stadium – looks like we’ve got the Indianapolis Colts and the Somewhere Rams this time. Is this a dome? I think it is. I only say that because Al Michaels has a tank top on. It says "O.P." Back in my day that was for Ocean Pacific. O.P. was awesome. JAMS were awesome. I’m awesome. (That’s been verified by science, by the way.)

Let me confess something. A lot of commentors last time said I should avoid learning anything about the NFL, as my ignorance played well. I did my best to keep to this request, but when I was on one of my boat-orgy websites (email me for the links), I accidentally came across some Minnesota Vikings knowledge.

Here’s all those beginning fireworks, etc. I’m turning it off for a second – last week watching it had me asleep by halftime and it looks like it’s going to be equally exhausting this time. While I’m away, let me explain my previous comments about the Vikings. I don’t go to a lot of orgies – maybe like 4 or 5 a month. Thing is, I’ve never been to a boat orgy, which is why I visit these boat-orgy websites. Well, the Minnesota Vikings got a bit naughty on a boat last week.

Seizure-inducer is over, and we’re back to Al. He says MikeMart, who is a person and not a Mike retail store, has died. Wait, it’s only a bacterial infection of a heart valve. His heart has the sniffles? Who is MikeMart? Whatever the case, he’s not there because of he couldn’t get anyone to watch the MikeMart, and they’ve only sold 7 Mikes this week, so it’s not like they can just close for a night.

Indy kicks off, and here comes Marc Bulger. What a name to grow up with. Hey, there’s Orlando Pace! I know his name because I went to The Ohio State University, too! For a whole quarter! Almost a whole quarter. Well, I was on campus. The truth is, while I was technically enrolled and living in Columbus, I don’t have a goddamn clue what the inside of a college classroom looks like. Probably a lot like a mix of the colors "boring" and "waste of time".

Here’s the Indy guys on their fancy graphics intros – why don’t they act more excited? I’d be all like "FAUXMICHAEL!!!! UNIVERSITY OF BRAZIL!!! HELLO!!!!" I’m realizing I’m getting to the age, where even in my mid-20s, these guys are younger than me. It’s disturbing – in a few years I’ll be Superman’s age, and I’m not nearly ready to handle that level of responsibility.

Torry Holt has the nickname "Big Game" because he has big game with the chicks. Al Michaels says, and I’m not kidding, "T-holt gets lots of tang, John." Madden doesn’t say anything. After a moment Al goes "aw yeah. I do too, y’know." Nothin’ from Madden.

Stephen Jackson TOUCHDOWN!!! I thought he played in the NBA and had horrible, disastrous weddings. Is this a different guy or the next Bo Jackson? 7-0 Indy. Commercial.

Let’s talk about Peyton Manning. If you haven’t heard, Peyton allegedly gets down with Kenny Chesney, who just divorced Rene Scrunchyface. When I say "get down" I’m not talking about dancing, either…how can I put this subtley…I’m talking about hardcore man-on-man gay sex, okay? We’re back from commerical.

You know what’s hilarious? I thought it was Indy that scored, but it was the Rams. I’m going to leave the typo because frankly it‘s pretty funny. I’m just a normal guy. I make mistakes. I’m just like you, only WORSE. Anyway, I found out about my mistake when the Rams recovered the kickoff on a fumble, so they may score again. ST. LOUIS FIELD GOAL! YES!! 10-0 Rams. Al says that was "a whack attack, yo".

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Posted in Sports by Guest Columnist at 8:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (20)
Last Comment: Cheesey Chesney on Oct 20, 2005 02:04 PM.