Well, it's Sunday evening, and if you're like me, you just spent about six hours planted in front of Fox watching the Super Bowl. From a sad, geriatric performance by John Fogerty to a sad, geriatric performance by Paul McCartney, this telecast was all about one thing: securely covered breasts. Yes, you might say the presence of such old timers as Charlie Daniels, George Bush, and Bill Clinton might significantly reduce the risk of a nip-slip redux, but I might argue that if a wardrobe malfunction were to occur through some strange act of fate, it would be about ten times uglier than Janet Jackson's supple titty. So let's wind back the clock and take a tour through the sanitized and sterilized Super Bowl coverage.
We begin early. Way early. Paul McCartney shows up at the Fox Sports desk to ham it up with Jim Brown (aka "JB"), Howie Long, Jimmy Johnson, and reigning marshmallow man of suck, Terry Bradshaw. We once again revisit that wonderful moment last year when Bradshaw drunkenly sang a self-directed medley of Beatles hits with Sir Paul McCartney. The moment was idiotic then but has now aged nicely into a generally stinky moment of pop culture poop. Amazingly, all the Fox staffers recall nostalgically how electric the duet was. If by "electric" they mean they tried to stick a wet finger into a power socket, then yes, it was.
Later - or perhaps earlier (everything's a bit hazy) - a whorish weather woman ascends to a small stage to introduce a musical act. The trampy lady with the probable yeast infection turns out to be Jillian Barberie, still grasping for reasons to be included on the next edition of Hollywood Squares. She summons out John Fogerty, an aging rockstar who appears to have been dragged away from his engagement at the Buffalo Bill Casino in Primm, Nevada. With a charming boufant, John Fogerty sings some of his classics while a crowd of young executives from Federal Express and Monster.com stand around morosely. Par-tay!
Peppered amongst the musical numbers are interviews with Terrell Owens (broken foot, blah blah blah), Donovan McNabb (Chunky Soup, blah blah blah), and Tom Brady (I'm All American, blah blah blah). George Bush Sr. and Bill Clinton show up to unwisely give Terry Bradshaw some false sense of journalistic legitimacy. Luckily, Harvard grad JB doles out most of the questions to his Eli rivals (that means they're from Yale) while Bradshaw gets drunk off of Jack Daniels and paint thinner in the corner. Bill Clinton looks emaciated (bypass surgery? psshh. whatever), and the entire scene takes on a surreal quality as the two former world leaders discuss tsunami relief while holding Fox Sports microphones.
Just as the conversation turns light again, killjoy JB rolls tape of the silliest patriotic ode in quite some time: a full reading of the Declaration of Independence by various random figures in politics and football. Yes, as long as we're still reeling from Jilian Barberie's Pulitzer Prize winning interview with John Fogerty ("You've been inducted into the Songwriter Hall of Fame. That's like the Super Bowl for musicians!"), we might as well have a little reminder course on our forefather's contributions. Cut to various political figures as well as Bill Cowher, Michael Strahan, Marshall Faulk, James Brown, and the dynamic duo of... Jack Kemp and Warrick Dunn? Huh? What IS this? After five minutes of somber reading, Fox then assembles a little skit with the Founding Fathers bantering at the end of the document. Hey John Hancock, why you writing so big? Oh, so old George across the pond can read it!
Wow, that's rich! This entire scene — and segment — ends with the actors, I mean, forefathers, raising their arms triumphantly and proclaiming "Huzzah!" Yes, I'm sure that's exactly how it went down. Thanks Fox!
JB returns to the screen and actually asks the former Presidents to comment on the bit. Both crawl their way out of the corner without laughing before JB eventually ushers the politicos off camera in favor of more "shenanigans".
After a commercial break, JB announces that the theme of tonight is building bridges. Wow, that's amazingly vague. And since when do Super Bowls have themes? I think next year's theme should be an Under the Water Dance or maybe Pimps and Ho's. Nevertheless, JB somehow manages to draw a link between building bridges and Gretchen Wilson, who's the next palatable-to-Middle-America musical act to take the stage.
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Comments (7)
Holy crap!
I didn't think *anyone* could make what I watched last night funny... but here you go proving me wrong.
I have said it before, I'll say it again: You folks have totally transformed my TV watching. You're like television "MSG" -- makes even the most bland TV pap palatable (after the fact).
I vaguely enjoyed the superbowl last night (Pat's fan) but now, well, I'm orgasmic over it!
Thanks!
1 of 7 | Posted by Elvis | Posted on February 7, 2005 7:05 AM
Ditto everything that Elvis said...well, except the orgasmic part.
2 of 7 | Posted by CaliGirlinGA | Posted on February 7, 2005 8:41 AM
Is Travolta in that Will Smith movie? Is Mcartney doing the soundtrack with Charlie Daniels? I am so confused.... NaNaNa Hey Hey Bye Bye !!
Thanks, the game suddenly became better.
3 of 7 | Posted by plumes_montreal | Posted on February 7, 2005 9:00 AM
Also, did anyong peep the suits Bill and George were wearing? Were they saving money to donate to the relief by wearing clothing from Marshalls?
Also, let's note that non funny guy's whose name I can't remember dressing up as the different sports casters. No boobs allowed, but blackface is? someone help us all.
4 of 7 | Posted by chettogirl | Posted on February 7, 2005 9:00 AM
He then adds "Because if it was, I'd like to say that that was a disgusting act by the dolphin, and it's unfortunate that we had that on our air live. That is disgusting by the dolphin."
That's where I lost it and completely cracked up. You are truly funny. As I stared aghast at an extremely fat Ben Franklin impersonator, and a Focus on the Family representative reading the Declaration of Independence, I could only hope that you lot were watching and preparing to level the appropriate snark.
5 of 7 | Posted by r | Posted on February 7, 2005 9:42 AM
Greeat recap, I also loved the "disgusting" dolphin line. I laughed out loud in my cubicle, and people looked at me akwardly.
Any thoughts on the patriots continual mockery of the eagles wing flap? I thought it was kind of funny , but very un-Patriots like for them to do that.
6 of 7 | Posted by IndianJones | Posted on February 7, 2005 2:37 PM
ZING! Love the Jillian Barberie description.
A whorish weather woman...The trampy lady with the probable yeast infection.
Awesome!
The dolphin thing? STUPID! Leave poor dolphins out of this!!!
I thought Bob Kraft was wasted. Especially when he started talking about "The NFL is the great leverlrer"
What do curtains have to do with football? Get it? Get it? :oP
7 of 7 | Posted by Genevieve | Posted on February 10, 2005 11:03 AM