Testimonials

Amazingly, Katie from Road Rules hops on the Super Bowl stage and begins singing. Oh wait, that's actually Gretchen Wilson. We can't hear her voice because the audio department has unwisely decided to keep the microphone off. This is most likely a gaffe, but I like to think of it as a passive aggressive message from the sound crew. Gretchen prances around in a Muzikmafia Jersey which means that she's either endorsing an artist group or she's sadly misinformed on which teams are playing this evening. Turns out it's the former, and I'm instantly mad that I've taken the time to look up Muzikmafia (it's a country music group. So why the urban spelling? Shut up, Muzikmafia). Gretchen croons away, singing the line "I'm here for the party!" I wonder if she's looking for the fat and ugly party.

Out of nowhere, Charlie Daniels shows up to do a little retro "Devil Went Down to Georgia" action. I'm all for Charlie Daniels, but how exactly is this building a bridge? It's become patently obvious that the only bridge going up today is one headed away from MTV.

Just when we think this pre-show — or kickoff special or whatever you want to call it — has become so damn lilly white that we might just slit our necks with an Amy Grant CD, the organizers toss in a little spice. Yes, time to roll out the Black Eyed Peas and Earth, Wind, and Fire. Translation: "And now something for the black people that won't scare the white people. Actually, this is really just for the white people again." Meanwhile, Maude in Iowa feels safe.

Before the Peas can take the stage though, we cut to commercial again. Anheuser Busch tells us that they've been telling adults to drink responsibly for years, and more so, they've been attacking underage drinking. Now it's the parents responsibility to control themselves and their family. Whoa, did Anheuser Busch just PA me? Because the message of that commercial was pretty much "Look, we've done all we can do. It's not our fault that you're such bad people."

We return to the Black Eyed Peas who serve as our last great hope for a nip-slip. Alas, Fergie is all buttoned up, and the performance goes off with the sort of poppy glee that Wal-Mart aspires for in its urban marketing campaigns. At the end of the performance, one of the Peas gives a shout out to the tsunami and all the people who died in it. Word up! Tsunami in the hizzouse!

Next up, JB tells us to prepare for America The Beautiful. Uh oh. My Josh Groban radar is going off like gangbusters. Please say it ain't so. Luckily, my fears are short lived as we are greeted by... Will Smith? Is he going to joke-rap through this song? And hey —  his movie "Hitch" is opening this week, right? Man, seeing him on the Super Bowl makes me realize I should really catch that movie.

Turns out Will Smith is merely on field to plug his new CD, uh, I mean, introduce Alicia Keys who will be singing with a chorus of blind and deaf children. Wow, this is mildly exploitative, and not just because these kids are dressed like employees of Southwest Airlines. I feel like Fox watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and said "Oh, so you take two deaf parents and a blind/autistic kid and think you can beat us? Well, we're going to take fifty blind kids and fifty deaf kids and we're going to make them SING! And if you're not crying, we're gonna kill their parents!"

With the the Alicia Keys awkwardness finally over, Joe Buck bellows over the loudspeaker, "Please direct your attention to the video screen." Wait, are there going to be safety instructions because I do NOT see an exit aisle. However, instead of a comely American Airlines employee, we get... Michael Chiklis. That wouldn't have been my first guess, but let's hear what The Commish has to say. Turns out not much. He just babbles on about how great the Patriots are. Moments later, Will Smith pops up again. Did I mention his movie "Hitch" is coming out this week? Smith introduces Philadelphia with some flowery prose, noting that "Philly has always been known for its tenacious D." At this point, the montage cuts to black and white archival footage of some Eagles game during what appeared to be Prohibition. Honestly, you can't be feeling too confident as a team when your own introductory montage can do little else but compare you to a bunch of skinny white men running around in leather caps.

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Posted in Sports by B-Side at 12:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)
Last Comment: Genevieve on Feb 10, 2005 11:03 AM.