Testimonials

Soon after this, Michael Douglas is welcomed to the field. Great. Another random celebrity. Who's next? Zsa Zsa Gabor? Bob Uecker? Anyway, Michael Douglas talks a bunch about World War II. Later, he becomes imperiled by an obsessed yet sexy female. Actually no, that doesn't happen. Instead, he announces "The Greatest Generation!" and a royal fanfare blares out. Amazingly, Donald Trump does not appear out of thin air.

Michael Douglas introduces various WWII veterans such as the Tuskegee Airmen and the Band of Brothers guys. Also present: the sexy WAVEs ladies struttin' their stuff. Grrrrowwwwl. Ultimately, an armed forces choir sings the national anthem, which means at least one washed up, cheesy pop star is out of a gig this year (I'm looking at you Bryan Adams, Rick Springfield, and Shania Twain).

We cut away to a commercial where Charles Woodson, Jevon Walker, and Shaun Alexander gather around the TV to watch American Idol. Wow. That's amazingly emasculating.

Finally, we come upon the coin toss which is executed by a little kid named Tyler. Teddy Bruschi pats the boy on his head as if he were a cute little dog. "Me Teddy. Me like Tyler!" Moments later, when New England loses the coin toss, Teddy Bruschi grabs Tyler by the hair and flings him into the stands. He's a very temperamental guy.

The game begins and a few minutes in, we hear a loud engine noise. Is that a UFO hovering over us? No, it's just Fox introducing Philly's offensive line, which is obviously as good a time as any to employ as many visual and sound effects as possible. Good to see Fox hasn't quite built that bridge to understatement yet.

The first quarter goes by without incident. The only noteworthy moment comes during a cutaway shot when a dolphin bearing a football in its mouth pokes its head out of a tank and lingers extra long and extra close to the camera. The image is so bizarre that Joe Buck has to ask "Was that real?" He then adds "Because if it was, I'd like to say that that was a disgusting act by the dolphin, and it's unfortunate that we had that on our air live. That is disgusting by the dolphin."

"I'm needy."

Later in the quarter, the commentators gush over the new "Pylon-cam" which serves seemingly no purpose at all. But to prove its worth to gadgetry-circles, Fox cuts to a shot from the aforementioned pylon-cam, and our minds are blown by an amazingly large image of painted grass. Wow, this DOES make a difference! Yay Pylon-Cam!

The second quarter begins with a shot of Will Smith in his box seat. Hey, you know, I should see that movie, "Hitch". I think it opens this week... With 9:55 remaining in the first half, L.J. Smith (L.J. stands for Little John. You can make the penis jokes on your own time) hauls in a touchdown for the Philadelphia Eagles. J-Unit erupts into a giddy mess since LJ is one of his favorite players. Meanwhile, we cut to a shot of the Fox logo in a puddle or stream. Where's the dolphin? What sort of cutaway is this? At this point I'm expecting at least a manatee to come flopping onto the screen. Alas, Fox's love affair with maritime animals unnaturally wielding footballs seems to have come to an end.

On the field, Tom Brady fumbles, causing a massive pile up. Darwin Walker emerges from the man-heap and trots down the field with the ball. No one seems to notice Walker prancing around and so the refs continue to dig through the pile. The moment could have been very Looney Toons had Walker tapped the ref on the shoulder and presented the ball with a cocky Bugs Bunny attitude, but, alas he did not do that. Huh. It doesn't seem as funny now, so I'll just move on.

There's a break in the action; so the commentators decide to point out some of the high profile guests in attendance. Joe Buck points out former President Bill Clinton and then adds "And here is former President—" The camera cuts away to John Travolta, and I'm momentarily horrified to know that the Battlefield Earth star was once our President. Luckily, I realize Fox made an error and can move on with my life. On the bottom of my screen, Paul McCartney pops up for the umpteenth time. YES, I KNOW! He's going to be singing at the half time show. Please, just stop.

Meanwhile, Joe Buck decides to take a stand on something. "People say the Super Bowl has become such a corporate event," he balks. Yeah, whatever gave them that idea? I hope people think long and hard about that during the Ameriquest Mortgage Company Halftime Show.

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Posted in Sports by B-Side at 12:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)
Last Comment: Genevieve on Feb 10, 2005 11:03 AM.