With 1:10 left on the clock, David Givens catches a touchdown for the Patriots, and we're all tied up heading into half time. Okay, so let's get this suckfest over with. Where's Sir Paul? Oh, but not yet! Before we can see Paul McCartney sing a medley, we have to watch Paul McCartney sing a medley in a random and lengthy montage of concert footage. Seriously, can we bring back Gretchen Wilson?
At long last, an announcer gravely introduces McCartney by saying "Building bridges across time and across the world." Yeah, um, how exactly does pandering to a specific demographic in the population equate to "building bridges"? Just give it up Fox. The whole "building bridges" thing is more of a stretch than Jilian Barberie's cooter at this point.
Now, I know Paul McCartney is a musical legend, and I know he's a great talent. Heck, I'm a big fan of his music. But honestly, this is awful. Paul stands alone on stage for what feels like hours as he chirps through some of his classic hits from The Beatles era. He appears quarantined to some LCD disco floor of suck as this completely antiseptic halftime show motors on. Luckily, a gaggle of middle-aged women in the front row are having a swell time as they prudently dance and temporarily escape from the mundane lives they lead.
Suddenly, Sir Paul decides to get down and dirty. He removes that crazy blazer he's wearing in a gesture that seems to say "This world is too button up for rock 'n roll! Now let's play some adult contemporary music. YEOWWW!!!" He then jumps into a rendition of "Live and Let Die" which, for better or worse, actually does seem to rock. Fireworks do help and give this show a much needed jolt of adrenaline. Meanwhile, somewhere in the waters around the stadium, twelve dolphins have been burnt to death by errant pyrotechnics.
Luckily this dangerously rowdy moment completely dies down as Paul jumps into "Hey Jude." Hundreds of blue penlights surround McCartney, and I momentarily wonder if he's been swallowed by a giant sea anemone. Of course, "Hey Jude" turns into a giant singalong of "Na na na", and just to add to the effect, everyone in the stadium is given a colored card to raise in order to form a human mosaic. What would the cards spell? "USA"? "PEACE"? "PAUL IS HOT"? Neither. The cards all spell out... "Na na na." Uh, that's kind of redundant. And stupid.
At least there is some semblance of patriotism as each "Na" is either red, white, or blue. Unfortunately, the words are placed in the wrong order; so we get a blue, white, and red "Na na na", making the entire scene an unintentional ode to France. Wow, this halftime show is really really dumb.
Blue, white, and red? Zut alors!The third quarter finally gets underway, and after just four minutes, Mike Vrabel snags a touchdown for the Patriots. Later, the camera lingers on a busty Eagles cheerleader happily rooting for her team. We then cut to the Patriots' cheerleaders which all lend credence to the theory that women from Boston tend to not be, how do you say, attractive.
Brian Westbrook scores a touchdown later in the quarter, and now J-Unit watches as I become a giddy mess (Westbrook is one of my favorites). Meanwhile, Pam Oliver reports that Todd Pinkston has "A case of the cramps!" Sadly, she does not announce this with the British accent it so deserves.
The fourth quarter begins with another Patriots touchdown, this time by Corey Dillon who thankfully does not launch into his Visa commercial bit by droning "Not today... not tomorrow..." Wow, I'm already asleep just thinking about it. Joe Buck and his posse return to the Pylon-cam and discuss its merits yet again. I can't help thinking there must be better small talk out there. Can't we bring back the dolphin?
Mastercard reveals this year's big "priceless" commercial. It's a bunch of cartoon spokesmen like the Jolly Green Giant eating dinner together. The spot ends with Charlie the Tuna bantering as he brings some dirty dishes to Mr. Clean in the kitchen. Did they just host a dinner party together? I can't help wondering if these two are in a domestic relationship. I always had a feeling about that Mr. Clean. After all, he does work out a lot, and let's not overlook his anal-retentive fixation on cleanliness. But Charlie the Tuna? I just thought his beret and thick-rimmed glasses meant he was artistic (or a Moby fan). This is quite a revelation.
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Comments (7)
Holy crap!
I didn't think *anyone* could make what I watched last night funny... but here you go proving me wrong.
I have said it before, I'll say it again: You folks have totally transformed my TV watching. You're like television "MSG" -- makes even the most bland TV pap palatable (after the fact).
I vaguely enjoyed the superbowl last night (Pat's fan) but now, well, I'm orgasmic over it!
Thanks!
1 of 7 | Posted by Elvis | Posted on February 7, 2005 7:05 AM
Ditto everything that Elvis said...well, except the orgasmic part.
2 of 7 | Posted by CaliGirlinGA | Posted on February 7, 2005 8:41 AM
Is Travolta in that Will Smith movie? Is Mcartney doing the soundtrack with Charlie Daniels? I am so confused.... NaNaNa Hey Hey Bye Bye !!
Thanks, the game suddenly became better.
3 of 7 | Posted by plumes_montreal | Posted on February 7, 2005 9:00 AM
Also, did anyong peep the suits Bill and George were wearing? Were they saving money to donate to the relief by wearing clothing from Marshalls?
Also, let's note that non funny guy's whose name I can't remember dressing up as the different sports casters. No boobs allowed, but blackface is? someone help us all.
4 of 7 | Posted by chettogirl | Posted on February 7, 2005 9:00 AM
He then adds "Because if it was, I'd like to say that that was a disgusting act by the dolphin, and it's unfortunate that we had that on our air live. That is disgusting by the dolphin."
That's where I lost it and completely cracked up. You are truly funny. As I stared aghast at an extremely fat Ben Franklin impersonator, and a Focus on the Family representative reading the Declaration of Independence, I could only hope that you lot were watching and preparing to level the appropriate snark.
5 of 7 | Posted by r | Posted on February 7, 2005 9:42 AM
Greeat recap, I also loved the "disgusting" dolphin line. I laughed out loud in my cubicle, and people looked at me akwardly.
Any thoughts on the patriots continual mockery of the eagles wing flap? I thought it was kind of funny , but very un-Patriots like for them to do that.
6 of 7 | Posted by IndianJones | Posted on February 7, 2005 2:37 PM
ZING! Love the Jillian Barberie description.
A whorish weather woman...The trampy lady with the probable yeast infection.
Awesome!
The dolphin thing? STUPID! Leave poor dolphins out of this!!!
I thought Bob Kraft was wasted. Especially when he started talking about "The NFL is the great leverlrer"
What do curtains have to do with football? Get it? Get it? :oP
7 of 7 | Posted by Genevieve | Posted on February 10, 2005 11:03 AM