This week, a show called Styl'd was on. It's about people who dream about being stylists, did you honestly expect it to be spelled right?
Do you see what I have to deal with/ First,male pattern baldness and now this!
I have immediate hope for the deliciousness of this show when the opening song blares:
"Well you're a
Hot mess,
Oh no really,
Hell yes."
Let me guess. Sondheim. Well, you can't accuse them of not being self aware.
Once upon a time, in a land far far agay...
We open with a lovely shot of LA, where you can see the air and it ain't pretty. Visitors often wonder why Angelinos are all raspy voiced and crinkly skinned. Yes, cigarettes and sun have something to do with it, but you'd get clearer lungs inhaling from an exhaust pipe on a bus than this crap air. I think the poison air is why people here are so...what's the word I'm looking for? Flaky? Ridiculous? Sociopathic? None of those really cover what I'm trying to say, so I'll let this picture say it for me.
Whatever this is.
Jen Rade starts us off with a very clinical autobiography, absent even the hint of a smile. She pronounces her name Reyaade, which is obnoxious. I'm thankful, however, that she hasn't resorted to hyphens or accented letters. Thank you, Jen Reyaade. Jen is a Senior Stylist at the Margaret Maldonado Agency. She's also the Director of the Junior Assistant program at MMA. So, like...Human Resources? Got it.
You're SO getting written up for that.
Jen explains to us the importance of her agency. You see the MMA people everywhere. Red carpets, live performances, bail hearings, etc. The primary job of a stylist is to take an average looking talented person and turn them into a walking cartoon joke and then force that ridiculous look upon an unsuspecting public, who takes that look as their own and spreads it like a virus to other unsuspecting Americans, thereby turning the entire country into a cartoon joke. Evidence:
MMA is the CAA of the styling biz. SFW you ask? Well, they're responsible for the looks of Beyonce, Gwen, J-Lo... Don't care? Well here's the big one. They made Seth Rogan take a bath.
And boom. I'm now taking you seriously.
Two hundred kids apply every year apply to the Junior Assistant Program. Wow. That's a lot of "please let me get you coffee" dreams. Let's all take a moment, close our eyes, and softly sing "America the Beautiful." Done? Didn't remember the words? Me neither. Moving on.
Out of all those people, just four are chosen each year. These are this year's four.
Tara: Chosen because she worked at Besty Johnson. Without a face mask or a can of Febreeze. That's called strength.
Gary: Chosen because he interned at Men's Vogue and has a degree from Parsons. Also because he's quite possibly the gayest person ever born and how can that not be fascinating?
Brett: Chosen because he looks like he'll have a nervous breakdown any minute. This guy's look screams a lot of adjectives. Dirty, slimy, greasy, desperate, poseurish, slimy, dirty...Stable isn't one of them.
Brett showed up looking like a homeless person and asking for change in a tank top and faux gold necklace. LA is the only place that these qualities work in a job interview. To seal the deal, he showed off his bvds, cuz apparently the kids are still doing that in 2009.
Janna: Chosen because she's in the accelerated program at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising. She looks really white and big toothed and boring, so I've got nothing. Hopefully she will be the breakout nervous breakdown of the year. Until then, zzzzzz.
Jen says that if they can last through this intense program, it will be a miracle. Not the Biblical kind, of course. If one of these kids could turn water into wine they wouldn't need Jen or MTV at all. They would just need a really big glass. At the end of the season, one of them will be handed a contract with the Margaret Maldonado Agency. What kind of contract? Who knows? Jen, wisely, won't specify. I have my fingers crossed that one of them will have a contract put on their head. Then season two can just be about chasing this guy through the woods and seeing if Jen can get a good shot in.
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Comments (10)
I'm only on the first page but I'm already red-faced from stifling the giggles. I am definitely DVR'ing this show as soon as I get home, and I'll be back later (when the boss isn't looking!!) to read the rest.
ILU Flipit.
1 of 10 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on November 2, 2009 7:22 AM
When I saw that Flipit was doing the recaps for this trainwreck, I couldn't resist watching it.
The real treat was reading the recap while watching the show (MTV was nice enough to let me watch it online). Almost like sitting on the couch with His Royal Highness.
2 of 10 | Posted by itchy | Posted on November 2, 2009 3:32 PM
Wowww, this show is a goldmine. It's like they picked the four (ok, three, I'll withhold judgment on Tara)most clueless and least talented people they could find! I love it!
After Brett washed up and cut his hair, he looked to me like a big, dumb country boy. Which was reinforced by his behavior.
I would think it's a lot easier to dress a cliched boy band than to please Miss Kardashian, but what do I know? And why didn't they even bother to have the fourth person do anything?
Gary and his big honkin' truck reminds me of that commercial for Chevy trucks (I think), where this guy drives up in a Toyota and starts talking to Howie Long with a deep, booming voice. Then Howie calls him on all the stuff wrong with the Toyota truck and his voice gets really high.
3 of 10 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on November 2, 2009 4:23 PM
Amen.....Flipit and four fashion freaks....I'm in heaven.
4 of 10 | Posted by K_Lo | Posted on November 2, 2009 8:52 PM
Flipit, this was pure genius writing - I laughed through this whole recap!
Also, I'm totally with you on the ADD thing - when did not paying attention become a disease?
Hilarious recap, can't wait for the next one!
5 of 10 | Posted by dearcrabby | Posted on November 3, 2009 10:00 AM
guys thanks so much for reading and commenting! i am glad i am not alone watching this. it's too good to not be able to share. haha. i think it can only go down from here. yay!
6 of 10 | Posted by flipit | Posted on November 3, 2009 10:14 AM
you saucy bitch! this is comedic gold!
7 of 10 | Posted by taraahmadi | Posted on November 3, 2009 10:32 PM
haters haters haters....everywhere I go on the internet people have nothing but SHIT to say. I watched this show and thought it was pretty good for what it is....cause what it is, is a REALITY TV SHOW PEOPLE!!! I dont know how you get your panties in such a bunch over it. Jeeze, its not like they are out to win an emmy. What do people really expect?? I personally give props to those willing to put themselves out there for douche-bags like you all to watch and make fun of. I have been following this show for some time now, because I am into fashion myself. Turns out, that first episode was filmed nearly a year ago (for those of you saying they have no fashion, and no clue) We all now how quickly style changes. As Heidi Klum would say "in the fashion world; one day you're in, and the next day you're out" I'm sure it will get better but I really didn't think it was bad at all, especially if you think back to what people were wearing a year ago. It was only the first freakin' episode, and for the most part, they were just introducing the cast. TAKE IT EASY KILLERS!! To say that these people are not talented is pretty quick to judge. Anyways, I think this article was waaaay too long. I cant beleive someone would spend so much time writing about a show they thought sucked so bad, and best of all, you say you are going to keep watching....which is cool to keep watching, but if you are going to put yourself through that, then maybe keep your comments to yourself. Why diss the poor kids who are just tring to get ahead i the world? I'm going to keep watching Styl'd. I'm happy to see a reality show that's not about finding "love", or about stupid bimbos with money running around Hollywood talking about absolutely nothing. And for the record, I think the cast is extremely good looking and nobody came off hick-ish. HATERS, like I said!! Saw them in the LA Times on Sunday, looking AMAZING. Go Styl'd
8 of 10 | Posted by TORTOR01 | Posted on November 4, 2009 4:12 PM
Yo, Tortor, relax. I'm guessing you didn't understand the whole point of TVgasm, which is to make fun of reality (and other) television?
We're going to keep watching Styl'd too. The name alone pretty much tells me everything I need to know. There's nothing I like better than a good freak show.
Which is what reality television is. It's the modern day equivalent of the carnival side show.
So sit back, have a valium and a couple of beers and join us in laughing at these tools.
You too, icemayer. Come on, don't be shy. ;-D
9 of 10 | Posted by itchy | Posted on November 5, 2009 9:26 AM
Brett spotted lol
10 of 10 | Posted by MichyPR | Posted on November 6, 2009 11:04 PM