Well, it's week two of Survivor: Model Island and Tyra Banks still hasn't arrived to hand out headshots to the castaways. Maybe she and Janice Dickinson got marooned on a different archipelago. Nevertheless, the assembled clan of beautiful genes excised another of its own, leaving the makeshift island nation that much closer to Hitler's dreams of a pure, radiant society. You know you're amongst the Beautiful People when the resident Piggy has only 9% body fat.
Amazingly, for all my trash talk, I sort of like this cast. Usually I tire of vapid models and aspiring actors. Maybe I just need to take a conch to the head to snap me out of this mindset, but so far, I'm feeling good about this season. It's too bad. Now it looks like I won't get to use my much rehearsed line, "Survivor: Palau? How about Survivor: Puh-leese." Actually, that just makes me sound like a Fran Drescher impersonator in Vegas. So just forget I even said it in the first place.
At the outset of this week's show, things were not going so well for the Koror tribe. They were cold, wet, and surrounded by rats. The next morning, they realized they had wandered into a crack den in Brooklyn. Janu had a particularly difficult time with the rats, and not even her oversized Edna Mode glasses could help scare them away. "I know it's mind over matter, but I mind and it matters!" she said. Oooh, I love the Janu-ization of a cliché! Let's do another: "A stitch in time saves nine, but I stitch and I don't have time" or "An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but I'm an apple and I need a doctor!" Hmmm... I'll leave the bon mots to Janu, a.k.a. the Mae West of Palau.
Particularly upset about the beach was Caryn, who without looking at her bio is clearly a lawyer from Manhattan (looked at the bio: raised in New York, but is a lawyer in Ohio now). I hope Caryn wrangles in a huge class action case, if only so we can give Annie Potts some work during the inevitable Lifetime Television dramatization.
Meanwhile, over at Ulong, the team was still reeling (read: elated) from the loss of Jolanda at Tribal Council. Now everyone could do what they wanted without someone yelling in their ears, reasoned James. "We're gonna do democracy!" he then added proudly. So apparently Jolanda was imposing some sort of totalitarian regime on the island? Or maybe she'd espoused a feudal rule. EIther way, doesn't matter. She was gone, and now James, newly emancipated from brutal serfdom, was ready to get down with the U. S. of A. in Palau. Yeehaw! First order of the new democracy: uh... um... gather pebbles?
Both tribes convened at the Reward Challenge which was an assortment of balance beams leading to flags that had to be collected and yada yada yada - just don't fall in the water and try to avoid the flying sandbags. Man, these challenges have really become elaborate. Jeff as usual asked if the survivors wanted to know what they were playing for. Before James could even take a straw vote for yay or nay (this IS a democracy, after all), Jeff told them anyway. "If you can't get food with this, you don't deserve to be out here," he said, revealing a set of fishing equipment. Okay Jeff. If you're so freakin' amazing with the fishing, why don't you go out there and haul in a seafood buffet for us, mmmkay? After all, it IS Lobsterfest. And yes, Jeff, we WILL be expecting those nice cheddar rolls too.
Anyway, the reward challenge went just about as expected. Lots of falling off the beams, lots of blurred out nip slips, and lots of slapping the water in frustration (by the way, this just in: slapping the water does NOT improve physical performance). We discovered that Bobby Jon might be this season's resident psycho as he aggressively freaked out over any mistakes made. Even after he slipped off an oil drum, he grabbed on and futilely attempted to climb back on. Ultimately, he relented with such dramatic furor that I wondered if letting go somehow caused his baby brother to die.
« Million Dollar Baby Sweeps the Beyoncés® | Main | Torture For Everyone! Yay! »
Comments (11)
What the hell was James thinking, approaching Jeff (who I have started to call "Lips") and telling him they had designs on voting his girlfriend out? That was one of the dumbest moves he could have pulled. They had a majority with Ibrihem, it's just a shame no one approached him to see how he was voting.
And Psycho Bobby Jon so desperately wants to fit in with who he perceives as the "cool people" that he doesn't even want consider Kim a threat, lest Lips no longer be his friend.
The pecking order in that tribe is pretty obvious now: Lips, girlfriend, Bobby Jon, Seteepeheeneieee, James, Angie and Ibrihem. That is, of course, unless others get their shit together and eliminate the cool kids. Ibrihem has to know there's a huge target on his back. The question is whether or not he cares (he probably doesn't).
It's sad that no one wants to take a chance with the voting -- it's always fairly unanimous who goes any more. Almost like there's a fear of being considered an outcast for voting differently among the group. In the early seasons, the voting was ALWAYS close. It's not so much any more.
And how hard core is Tom? I would love for him to win the whole thing.
1 of 11 | Posted by Papercuts! | Posted on March 1, 2005 7:29 AM
Good recap, B-Side. That reward challenge was great -- gave real insight into BJ's anger management issues, Coby's idiocy and Katie's utter lack of upper body strength. Seriously ... who can't figure out a rope swing after 12 tries?? It all made for much hysteria on my couch, though.
I too am wondering about Ibrehem's apparent muteness? It either means he's going very, very far in this game, or he's so ripped that the lack of protein is affecting him more than others. He looked like he'd taken about eight bong hits before Tribal Council.
Favorite line of recap: "Caryn bounced along the course with the spry determination of a housewife running to JC Penney ..." You slay me with shit like that.
2 of 11 | Posted by TexasK | Posted on March 1, 2005 7:33 AM
"Hey Willard. Maybe you should spend more time learning to swim and less time pretending to be Ed Bradley."
ROFLMAO thanks!
3 of 11 | Posted by Retroqueen | Posted on March 1, 2005 8:09 AM
I freaked out a little watching Katie on the rope swing. I thought I warped into an episode of MXC on Spike.
4 of 11 | Posted by gmp | Posted on March 1, 2005 8:37 AM
So, explain please why everyone got so excited and shorts in a wringer when they thought that they had seen Janet's Jackson boob. They must be having heart attacks on a regular basis. And everytime we get a long shot ot Tattooed Lady, I swear she has no pants on.
Great review as usual.
Amazing Race Tonight......yeah !!!
5 of 11 | Posted by Plumes | Posted on March 1, 2005 9:15 AM
apparently ashlee pretty much gave up, though it wasn't clear whether or not ibrahim was throwing her a pity vote (a la rupert in all-stars when rudy got the boot) or he is just so far out of the loop that he didn't know ashlee had offered to throw herself on the ol' roman sword.
bobby jon was smart to stick with kim against ashlee, since james, stephenie, ashlee, and angie seemed to be forming their own cabal. james is clearly angling to align the girls against the other men, and it's too early in the game to target jeff, the team's biggest assett in terms of physical strength (though, unless the previews were teasing us, jeff may lose his slot in the pecking order this week due to injury). kim will doubtlessly be voted out before the merge, as at least a few of these folks must have heard of b-rob and amba.
but the real question is this: how much longer are we going to have to see angie's pasty assets flopping out and her moby-like haunches straining against her skimpy black buttfloss? i'm all for white trash wiccan hipster-chicks kicking ass on reality TV (yeah, i'm talking about you, nakomis, daughter of the moon), but let the hotties do the flesh-baring, i say.
6 of 11 | Posted by jack | Posted on March 1, 2005 9:22 AM
"Slapping water is the new black." Fucking awesome!
7 of 11 | Posted by Jane | Posted on March 1, 2005 10:27 AM
That fish has such cute little lips & eye. I'm pissed at them for killing it!
I'm going to miss those funbags :(
8 of 11 | Posted by Genevieve | Posted on March 1, 2005 1:22 PM
I think the only reason Ashlee was cast was because of her breast (no doubt those were real, and not implants). I was hoping Kim would be voted off. Damn, I'm going to miss those buzookas!
9 of 11 | Posted by Kujo | Posted on March 1, 2005 1:53 PM
Just so you know, "Palau" in Malaysian means "Drunk"
10 of 11 | Posted by Eric | Posted on March 2, 2005 5:15 PM
what does, "slapping water is the new black" mean?
11 of 11 | Posted by TW | Posted on March 16, 2005 8:03 AM