TVgasm Recaps

The title of this post is from a G-Unit song, but it could have just as easily applied to my thoughts on the Survivor: All Starts Reunion-Reunion. I am going to state for the record that I had predicted an Amber/Rob engagement on the first reunion show, but TVgasm was still in its infancy and so there is nobody to corroborate my story. This doesn't bother me because I don't think it was that hard to predict and that wasn't the big surprise anyway.

Well, "Survivor: All-Stars" came back last night for a little denoument action with an enjoyable "American Idol" twist. No, Ethan didn't flat-iron his hair, but we, the loyal audience, got to vote on which "All-Star" should win a million dollars. Unfortunately, I did not fulfill my civic duty, and therefore Kathy Vavrick O'Brien and Shii-Ann were deprived of two valuable votes. Alas. At least Shii-Ann got a car (an ample consolation prize after being chastized in Thailand for her "strange", non-Westernized chicken eating behaviors). Kathy didn't win anything, but I bet her friends in Burlington will make her a groovy vegan quiche, so it's all good.

It's been an interesting year for Survivor. We started off with possibly one of the very best installments ever with Survivor: Pearl Islands, and ended with the fairly humdrum Survivor: All Stars. This year brought us all sorts of colorful characters - Rupert, Lil, Johnny Fairplay, Burton - and reinvented some people from the past - Amber, Boston Rob, Shii-Ann. We also had our first Survivor quitter (Osten), our first Survivor wedding engagement (Amber and Rob), and our first controversial twist (Outcasts). Plus our favorite host grew increasingly snippy to delightful effect.

MTV's latest incarnation of Punk'd may have found an unlikely patsy: itself.

[NOTE: Some links not safe for work.] Filed in the "Is This Getting Old Yet?" department, the internet is buzzing with yet another celebrity sex tape. Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee started the trend, Paris Hilton made it famous once again, and Gena Lee Nolin showed us that former Baywatch stars are still the ones to beat. Now, we have a sex video that stars a former Survivor.

There have been several survivors to get nude in public before, the latest being Jenna Morasca and Heidi Strobel from Survivor: Amazon in a pictorial from Playboy in August 2003. Original Survivor and Survivor: All Stars cast member Jenna Lewis has unwittingly upped the ante, after her 42 minutes of newlywed bliss have been posted for sale on the internet. There is even a trailer for you to watch.

Those of you can't wait for copies of the file to show up elsewhere on the internet can get all the Jenna Lewis you can stand (and probably much more than you imagined), for only $49.95.

Things are looking embarrassing for Survivor's Jennas these days. While Jenna Lewis enjoys her very own internet sex tape scandal, fellow contestant Jenna Morasca proves there are other ways to make people lose respect for you: pose nude in a pool of water and... hold a frog? Yes, this is the bizarre image forced upon us by Dissection Alternatives, a random nonprofit that lobbies against the dissection of animals in classrooms. Ms. Morasca, in a clunky bit of Photoshop rendering, appears to be lustfully rising from a lagoon - or maybe a swamp - where she has discovered a Clip Art frog and is cradling it in her hands as a gesture of ranine good will. The ad seems to be saying that you too can have an erotic journey if you dive naked into a body of water and emerge with an amphibious creature.

"We both survived," reads the quote over this libidinous scene. So did the frog survive being randomly plucked from his riverbed home? Or maybe Jenna is returning it to its native habitat. If so, does this mean that she rescued it from a classroom, and furthermore, did she do it naked? And then why was she compelled to jump in the water with the frog? It hardly seems logical. Nevertheless, the organization encourages use of software such as Digital Frog, which simulates the inner-workings of Jenna's little buddy. I personally endorse Frogger, a program that will most likely foreshadow the fate of all those undissected frogs.

CBS announced its new batch of contestants for Survivor: Vanuatu, Islands of Fire. As the season approaches, I will weigh in with uninformed opinions and misguided predictions based solely on their photos and CBS bios, much as I did with Big Brother (as you can see, I'm not the expert prognosticator). For now, I have a few impressions. First of all, why did Mark Burnett scour the Hey Dude! fan clubs this season? His casting offices have given us Brady, Dolly, Eliza, Leann, Rory, Scout, and Twila. Well gosh gee willickers. Actually, only Dolly and Scout are farmers (surprise, surprise). The rest fill out the standard cornicopia of Survivor jobs like "research assistant" and "pre-law student" (from the 'Cuse - by way of Strong Island, I'm sure). One fella with an interesting job is John K., who lists his occupation as Mechanical Bull Operator from Los Angeles. Great. The Saddle Ranch has infiltrated Mark Burnett. Usually realilty stars go from TV to bull operator at the Sunset Strip joint (case in point: Blair from Road Rules), but apparently El Nino has struck, and the flows of cheesiness have reversed. Oh well. I'm sure dealing with Valley trash all day has prepared John K. well for the displeasures of Mother Nature.

We don't have any pics of the cast yet, but we do have puppies.

The TVgasm fall preview continues as we get down to business and take over the difficult task of dissecting the personalities you will see on the show starting Thursday, September 16th. Some of you reality fans who have been enjoying Big Brother or The Amazing Race have no doubt sat through several of Rupert Boneham's promos for the show. If you haven't, rest assured that Rupert is still trying to wring every last ounce of spotlight left in that tye-dyed tank top and shaggy beard. Luckily for us, a new batch of Survivors are here and CBS is going back to the "Battle of the Sexes" theme for it's latest installment.

CBS has really begun to test the gullibility of the American populace. For those of you who may be confused, I am obviously referring to the first several minutes of the Survivor: Vanuatu premier. Good God, what was CBS thinking? Was there anybody out there that truly believed Jeff Probst was standing next to that smoking Volcano. Ugh. And then CBS takes us on an interesting, but completely unnecessary trip into Vanuatu culture. Although Mark Burnett would like to play it up as some land of cargo cults and ritual sacrifice, Vanuatu is still about 75% Christian. The time they used trying to convince us otherwise was time they could have used giving us a better look at these characters. I am holding this episode to the ridiculously high standards the Survivor series has set for itself, but as openers go, it could have done better.

Say what you will about Mark Burnett, Survivor continues to be a top performer, now in it's ninth season. The first episode often mimics that of Big Brother, because all of the players pretty much want to avoid having to always carry the stigma of "first one voted off" with them forever. After that first tribal council, things become a little more interesting and reality begins to settle in. You have to boil your water, food is no longer a simple task like going to the salad bar at Gelson's., and pretty much everything you eat is going to have some sort of maggot infestation problem. That's not going to be good for business you say? That's not going to be good for anyone.

Is it just me or is anybody else out there kind of so-so when it comes to evaluating the current state of Survivor: Vanuatu: Islands of Fire? So far, I lay the blame solely on the casting. After a summer with what I believe were two well-cast shows in The Amazing Race and Big Brother, CBS seemed to have dropped the ball on the grandaddy of the reality shows. Mark Burnett's other big fall production, The Apprentice has a great set of characters that people can't stop talking about, but Survivor has some women with big boobs(I think I was the last person to find out Ami was in Playboy several years back), a guy missing part of the leg, and not too much else right now. At least I can count on the cattiness of the women to get me through another sixty minutes.

Well, another week down and another pleasantly enjoyable, although not exactly exciting, episode of Survivor: Vanuatu has passed. This may not be the most - how do you say - intense season, but the jiggle ratio is quite impressive and the concentration of blandness amongst the men is really quite a feat for casting. Truthfully, I'm not really down on the show. Every now and then we get a bum season (Africa, Thailand), but the series always bounces back with great vigor. So for now, I'm just going to quietly take Vanuatu for what it's worth and hope that Mark Burnett stops fooling around with junk like "The Casino" and "The Contender" and focuses on things like, I don't know, good casting for his trademark show.

Quick question. When is a Survivor twist not a twist at all? When you can see it a mile away. While we still have an interesting season on our hands, Survivor Vanuatu is shaping up to be as forgettable as they come. Mark Burnett has us constantly looking for a twist, but the episodes play like he doesn't have any hand to play. The dual elimination was OK, but it caused much more of a small ripple through the game rather than a tidal wave of excitement they needed to make things interesting. Imagine what we would have done without Da from last week. Oh yes, I forgot. We still have all of those boobs filling the screen.

Although I thought that I was the last person on earth to find out that Ami Cusack had appeared in Playboy several years ago before she and her assets became famous on Survivor: Vanuatu, apparently I was wrong. Several readers asked that we here at TVgasm post pictures on the web or e-mail them the files. While we can't do either of those, we can point you in the right direction to a place that has all of her assuredly not safe for work pictorial for everybody to view. Ami is in a relationship, but if you are a guy or a girl who wonders what they have missed, head over to RealityTVPools.com[NSFW and will take some time if you are on a modem]. It might be a little hard to tell with the extra makeup, died hair, not to mention all of the airbrushing going on, but it is the same woman.

I don't have the slightest idea what the Vegas odds are for the rest of the current participants to take it all off, but our humble predictions come up after the jump.

So, it has been kind of a down season for Survivor, but we keep watching because we know, somewhere deep down inside, there is a lot of petty arguments and backstabbing to be had. We just have to take some of the bad to get to the good. The main problem we had was the presence of two tribes, each divided by gender, each with a strong block that wielded the power. People outside these main groups were getting picked off one by one, but about 3/4 of each team had no incentive to do any work in the actual game. As the numbers tighten and people start thinking about the merge, people are forced to think ahead farther than the next day. I'm happy to say that the scheming has returned to Survivor: Vanuatu, and we hope it's here to stay.

I think I can safely say that most of Survivor: Vanuatu, at least for the viewers, has primarily been about one thing, and that is the merge. Quite honestly, Mark Burnett's spent a little too much time developing the big twist, and too little time on some equally important things, like casting. Perhaps I have been saturated with too many Survivors, or maybe the blogging has forced me to pay some more attention to the episodes, but the challenges are a little too familiar as well. Still, I am never one to shy away from watching displays of human stupidity, the self-absorbed rationalizations people make for their actions, and the capacity for one person to turn on another. I will admit that I am having a harder time watching the first five minutes of the show and making a conclusion as to who is going to be voted out. But that could simply be the drug interactions talking.

I am not going to say that the outcome of this season's Survivor has become predictable, but after the last episode, it has kind of become obvious who is in control of the game. This Survivor has been a battle of the sexes, through and through. After the shuffle, and before the merge, it looked like people would actually consider something other than the sex of the player before they wrote somebody's name down. It has become such an issue that we have resorted to taping Survivor here at the TVgasm offices, and letting the Tivo pick up The OC. Maybe Mark Burnett has a few trcks up his sleeve, to make things interesting, but I am not sure even he can effectively stop the one of the most powerful players Survivor has ever seen.

If there is one thing that you can always count on in Survivor, it's that the team with the numbers advantage is never going to be gracious in victory. You've seen it before, many, many times. On the one hand, people may think this type of thing is boring. Nobody really wants to watch a bunch of people gloat their way to the finish. On the other hand, there is always a pretty good chance that the strong alliance is somehow going to blow it's advantage and some of the cocky bastards get sent home. These are the essential parts of the show that lead to great moments in the last episode with the jury and all future reunion shows.

How in the hell does one extricate themselves from the kind of predicament we see that Chad and Chris, the last men remaining, have found themselves on Survivor? The way to go about it is surely not the moronic way these two and the Lopevi that have went before them have tried. As antagonistic as Rory was for some, he at least had the ability to think things through ahead of time. Unfortunately for him, Chad, Chris, and at the time Sarge, were unable to secure votes that had been promised to them. Sarge left unceremoniously and almost without a fight. This week, it looks like the guys got lucky. Scout is starting to get testy about Eliza's presence, and annoyed at Ami's power, a combination that could buy these guys another shot in the game. At least as long as everybody was able to execute part of the plan.

Sometimes, even the best laid plans have a habit of blowing up your face. A lot of fans of Survivor: Vanuatu were almost begging for that to happen with Ami. It's not that her plan is particularly horrible or unfair in itself. Even Ami's biggest critics have to admit that she has taken a simple concept, in this case an all-woman alliance, and taken it farther than anybody could have imagined. As her plan continued in it's successes as the game wore on, Ami quickly went from that hot chick with the huge boobs to the arrogant leader of an annoying band of bitches. After seeing the rest of the men picked off one by one, Chris was going to need either immunity or a bunch of luck to stick around in the game.

I have to hand it Twila. She did something that I thought nobody among Survivor: Vanuatu had the brains to do, ie beat Ami at her own game. Admit it, you never thought it could be done, but it did happen, and all of a sudden there is suspense about the episodes and the outcomes of tribal councils. Returning from the latest tribal council, Ami had some a tougher job ahead of her than we have ever seen before. You know there was going to be conflict, and the new Twila, Scout, Eliza, and Chris pact seemed to be working, but if we have learned anything, it is that Ami is a master manipulator. She has proven she can steer the game in a direction that benefits her, and she was going to have to do just that to stay in the game.

While TVgasm is trying to secure some seats for this weekends live finale of Survivor: Vanuatu, our Survivors were still on the island, rapidly pissing each other off in the waning days of their seclusion. Although the alliance of Chris, Scout, Twila, and Eliza had worked well for two weeks, it was really the classic marriage of convenience. Twila and Scout had never voted for Eliza, but that doesn't mean they weren't annoyed by her continue presence. Likewise, Eliza knew that Julie and Chris were the only ones left in camp that had actually voted for her at a tribal council, but they ended up being the two people Eliza trusted most in the game.

Survivor: Vanuatu sort of picked itself up towards the end of this season. By the time we had reached last night's season finale, Mark Burnett was actually able to string together several enjoyable episodes back-to-back. There was even some suspense as to who would be left in the final, and who was going to be the overall winner. I was ready to sit back and enjoy a couple of hours of programming, but was stupid and didn't fast forward through the into to this episode. The producers tried to recap the entire season full of tribal councils, but in doing so made it quite obvious who was going to end up in the running for first and second place. Just in case there were a few million people out there that were watching the finale but didn't tune into the rest of the show, CBS wanted to make sure they were all caught up, and quickly revealed the two people about to battle for the win.

Rules of the contest plus our season preview to get you started after the jump.

PS Yes, we know that CBS has their own Survior Fantasy League, and we encourage everybody to play. But since the leagues are only limited to eight teams, their won't be a TVgasm reader league like for the Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

I must extend a massive apology. The tenth season premiere of Survivor aired last Thursday, and here I am a whole five days later with the recap. Why did it take me so long? Well, there was a little backlog of activity this past week, and besides, I've been holed up in the gym for nearly 96 hours in the wake of viewing this abs-tastic new cast. Seriously, everyone is in shape, even the old people (well, maybe not Wanda, Angie, and Coby but hey, there are always exceptions to the rule). You know what they say: if people have stunning, near flawless bodies on TV, well, shame on me for not being exactly like them! Hmmm... I wonder how many calories I burned typing that last sentence. Maybe I can have a banana chip now.

Well, it's week two of Survivor: Model Island and Tyra Banks still hasn't arrived to hand out headshots to the castaways. Maybe she and Janice Dickinson got marooned on a different archipelago. Nevertheless, the assembled clan of beautiful genes excised another of its own, leaving the makeshift island nation that much closer to Hitler's dreams of a pure, radiant society. You know you're amongst the Beautiful People when the resident Piggy has only 9% body fat.

Amazingly, for all my trash talk, I sort of like this cast. Usually I tire of vapid models and aspiring actors. Maybe I just need to take a conch to the head to snap me out of this mindset, but so far, I'm feeling good about this season. It's too bad. Now it looks like I won't get to use my much rehearsed line, "Survivor: Palau? How about Survivor: Puh-leese." Actually, that just makes me sound like a Fran Drescher impersonator in Vegas. So just forget I even said it in the first place.

I like this new season of Survivor, but even the greatest Burnett apologist has to admit that this week's installment was a little on the bland side. I guess we can blame a coconut for that. One unfortunate slip by Jeff, and then it was only a matter of time before we saw his name scrawled on various pieces of parchment later in the episode. Now, I know that I just provided a little spoiler or whatever, but it's been four days. If you haven't seen the show yet, that's your problem, not mine.

Once again I am tardy with this recap of Survivor, but better late than never, right? Okay, I'll just dodge that tomato. Anyway, the severe delay I have between watching the show and writing the recap should not denote any disinterest I have in this season's cast. No, not in the least. I am a big fan of these people, even if half of them are too beautiful to bare. I read somewhere that the joy in The Amazing Race is watching average people navigate the globe, but the fun in Survivor is watching model/actor types languish amidst rats and bugs on an island. Truthfully, I don't have anything against models/actors/beautiful people, but for some reason, that assessment really does fit. That's not to say I don't enjoy our Twilas, Sandras, and Willards, but man, I could sure use a lot less Big Tom and a lot more, well, anyone.

I've been watching Survivor for a long time, and I don't think we've ever seen as much voting as we did last night. Not even Pearl Islands and its Outcast vote-in could touch this episode. In fact, for all you keeping track, the entire second half of the episode took place at Tribal Council. We saw seven (yes, seven) different names pop up on the parchment over the course of FOUR different votes. I mean honestly, this recap could just wind up being a large statistical table of Survivor election results. But what would be the fun in that?

Well, I've been tardy again. For some reason, I never am able to get these Survivor recaps out in a timely fashion. Thankfully, this season has been fairly predictable: Ulong starts off sad, gets their hopes up, loses immunity, and sends someone home. So even if my recaps are a bit late, chances are you can figure out what happened without having read or seen anything. The good news is that while this season's certainly been lacking in the scheming department, the characters have been colorful and Jeff Probst has been particularly ornery. That's got to count for something.

In the spirit of baseball season, I think it's safe to say that with the Red Sox now the reigning world champions, some other team has inherited the Curse of the Bambino. You'd think it would stay self-contained in baseball, but amazingly, The Curse has jumped ship and sought out fame and fortune on reality TV. Maybe that would explain how Team Ulong from Survivor: Palau has been unable to win any immunity challenges whatsoever. Somewhere a few weeks ago, this tribe set a Survivor record by becoming the losing-est team in franchise history. For sure the bloodletting would end this week, right? Well, don't get too excited there. If you thought the well-oiled machine of Koror was gonna break down anytime soon, you'd be sadly mistaken (although, we do fully anticipate some sort of chaos this coming week. I mean, law of averages, right?). I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I think Mark Burnett has been brilliant to hold off on any merges or tribal swaps. Watching this sad, depleted team slowly shrink has been an exercise in television schadenfreude. We sort of hate to see them lose over and over again, and yet we're totally fascinated. How much torture can these people possibly take? Can they ever dig themselves out of this hole? Will they ever shake The Curse?

We here at TVgasm really don't like to bore you with the details of our lives in Los Angeles, but when we have an interaction of some sort that would be interesting to our readers, we feel we need to report. Some people say that blogs are nothing but a bunch of people linking other people and commenting about boring shit. While that is mostly true, we here at TVgasm are willing to put our journalistic credentials on the line with the best of the Nobel and Peabody award winners. We did a lot of legwork this week to get you some dirt on the celebrities that almost nobody else would care about. Read the saga after the jump.

It kind of feels like we're reaching the end of Survivor, but as Jeff Probst mentioned several times, we still got a whole lot of TV left to watch. Going into this week's episode, there were only two people left standing on Ulong, the saddest tribe in Survivor history. Week after week, we've watched the numbers dwindle, and with only two left, it kind of felt like the season finale this time around. I mean, Koror doesn't even feel like they're playing the game anymore. Yes, they do participate in the challenges (and win them too), but there's a sense that when it comes to eliminations, they just are along for the ride. After Ulong goes kaput, the season will be over and we'll all be off on our merry ways. Ah, but what if Koror happens to lose an immunity? Maybe this would be the week where everything changes for Steph and Bobby Jon. After all, these two plucky Ulong survivors have proven to be the strongest, most iron-willed members of their depleted tribe. Surely their time has arrived, right? Well, I'm sure as long as the immunity challenge doesn't require a puzzle again, they'll be fine...

Survivor has officially launched into traditional scheming mode. After weeks of increasingly compelling domination by Koror, the two tribes have merged into one, thus ending the sad bloodletting of Ulong. Now the knives have come out, and we've suddenly been jarred back to reality - or at least reality television. The happy home that was Koror has now vanished in favor of petty scheming and spiteful backstabbing. And I couldn't be happier. Alliances, mistrust, and greed is what this game's all about. The Ulong experiment was fun, but now it's time to get down to business.

Broken record time: this recap was exceptionally late due to my trip to the East Coast. To make matters worse, I actually had things to do this week. You know, like meetings and interviews. What is this? I'm supposed to be blogging, dammit! I figured I'd just put off the recap until after I was done with this week's Amazing Race, but then a quick look at the calendar revealed that it was Thursday and I was about to commit the cardinal sin of television blogging: getting lapped by TV! Yes, if I didn't hurry up, a new episode of Survivor would air before I'd even had a chance to post about the old one. Not cool. It didn't make things much easier for me that this week's episode of Survivor wasn't exactly thrilling. I mean, it wasn't bad or lame -- just average. But anyway, I've already babbled enough about my poor time management. Let's revisit all the glorious moments (all three of them) from the latest installment of Survivor.

How's that for an incendiary headline? It's actually not very fair to this week's episode of Survivor, the first truly scheme-tastic installment of the season. Palau continues to be a masterful season, especially now as it transitions from the unbelievable decimation of Ulong to the inevitable cannibalism at Koror. The knives have finally come out, and while I had a hunch as to who would go tonight, I must admit that until the votes were read, I still wasn't absolutely positive that I would be right (but of course, I was. Mwahahaha). Nevertheless, we're heading into the final stretch now, and things at Koror are turning shady (and homoerotic). Perfect!

Can't get enough of Rob and Amber? Well, neither can Rob and Amber, which is why they'll be returning to reality TV yet again with a brand new Newlyweds-ish pilot for E!. Yes, after three seasons of Survivor, one season of The Amazing Race, a cameo on The Player, and a very special televised wedding ceremony later this month, America's very own reality whores once again mug for the camera as they embark on the over-explored journey that is celebrity marriage. I can't imagine that this will be a totally scintillating series. After all, we love (and hate) Rob for his scheming and villainy, not his day-to-day thoughts and musings. With any luck, this show will provide new insights on the stars, maybe answer some questions: Just how many Boston hats does Rob have? And does Amber ever not gaze upon something with a pleasantly bland ennui? The possibilities are endless.

No word yet on whether this series will be picked up, but insiders at E! assure us that production will begin soon.

Well, I didn't get around to doing a full recap on last week's Survivor, which is not to say that I didn't enjoy it. Truth is I was pretty busy this week, and at the end of the day, while the episode was fun, there wasn't really that much crazy shit to make fun of. Well, I shouldn't say that. There's always mockery to be had. Nevertheless, with only a few hours until the next installment kicks off, I'll do my best to give a casual overview of the latest antics of our favorite castaways.

What a fantastic episode of Survivor. This season has hovered in the "excellent" realm, and after last night's dense installment of scheming, drama, tears, betrayal, and lying, I am going on the record to say that Survivor: Palau officially rocks. Any reality show that can keep us on the edge of our seat from the very first minutes of the hour deserves special accolade. This has been a bizarre season, but it's worked out well, even if some of my favorite players have been sidelined. Three cheers for Mark Burnett! (and you too Jeff. Just for being a swell guy).

I'm Jewish, so I don't really know what that whole post-Christmas letdown feels like, but I imagine it's something akin to how I'm feeling at this moment now that Survivor: Palau has finally run its course. Granted, other seasons such as Pearl Islands, Amazon, and of course Borneo probably outrank this go-around (barely), but after the letdown that was All Stars and the snoozefest that was Vanuatu, it was great to have the show back in top form -- which is why I'm so sad that it's over. The good news was that the finale had all those time honored traditions we do love ever so much: the last minute backstabbing, the bitter jury, and of course, the drawn-out tribute to fallen cast members. We even got a fire-making challenge tossed in as a bonus. The downside (and I say this with only mild criticism) was that the final voting pattern was fairly predictable, and even more shocking, Jeff Probst eschewed his standard secret-agent journey with the ballot box. Does CBS mean to tell us he did NOT parachute out of an airplane, land on an elephant, gallop to a hovercraft, float over to NASA, launch into space, orbit the planet, touchdown in Antarctica, teach a school of penguins to fly, ride the birds to Manhattan, jump on Spider-Man's back, and swing into the Ed Sullivan Theater? I don't believe it for a second!

Remember Robb from Survivor: Thailand? You know, the gangly skater punk who nearly choked poor little Clay to death during a reward challenge? Well, he's back, and he's hawking movie tickets for MovieTickets.com! Great to see that his career has taken off. Maybe soon he'll get to be an extra on Scrubs!

Inquiring minds want to know: who has the more distracting cameo? Ted Danson in Saving Private Ryan or Colby Donaldson in Red Eye?

Discuss.

After outwitting, outlasting and outplaying all but one of her fellow castaways on Survivor: Palau, runner-up Katie Gallagher was unable to outrun the police, who arrested her for DUI in her hometown of Merced, California. It's good to see Katie's as inept at drinking as she is at every other physical challenge ever thrown her way. Read the whole article here.

TVgasm Survivor Contest Rules:

1. Go to the Survivor: Guatemala homepage, and review the contestants.

2. Choose the three people you think will finish one, two, and three overall.

3. E-mail your answers to survivor@tvgasm.com.

Entries must be received by Thursday, September 15th at 8PM Eastern. Winner (to be decided at the end of the show) gets one free item from the TVgasm store. Good luck!

Once again, the contest rules:

1. Go to the Survivor: Guatemala homepage, and review the contestants.

2. Choose the three people you think will finish one, two, and three overall.

3. E-mail your answers to survivor@tvgasm.com.

Entries must be received by tonight, Thursday, September 15th at 8PM Eastern. Winner (to be decided at the end of the show) gets one free item from the TVgasm store.

If predictions aren't your thing, you can try love letters or magnetic poetry.

Bad news. The official TVgasm Tivo didn't record the first half of Survivor tonight. Yeah, I know. We're getting a hard copy tomorrow. Look for the recap on Monday, if not sooner...

I'm still trying to decide whether or not it's a good thing that the first image I associate with Survivor: Guatemala is vomit. Seriously, we've seen a lot of barfing on reality TV, and one beef-laden episode of Road Rules: Xtreme featured nubile, young MTV stars puking their guts out for minutes on end. But the season premiere of Survivor showcased so much wretching (and the accompanying sound effects), that I'm pretty sure Mark Burnett has successfully won the crown of Vomit King. What's that, you say? This season is supposed to be about Gary Hogeboom, the ex-NFL star masquerading as a landscaper? Well, until he upchucks on some shrubbery or perhaps a passing monkey, his presence means nothing to us.

Lots of interesting developments on this week's Survivor. Operation Quarterjerk hit a major snag as people began to wonder whether or not Gary really was a quarterback, and Blake's health problems escalated from mere thorn injury to full-blown respiratory failure. Oh, and the hungry members of Yaxha enjoyed a luncheon of ants and grasshoppers. Believe it or not, I've actually eaten ants and grasshoppers, and they're really not that bad. Then again, mine were sautéed in garlic and herbs as opposed to being plucked straight from the dirt of Guatemala, so I guess that can kind of change things. Okay, okay, garlic or no garlic, I'm sure some of you are already puking Survivor-style by now. I'll just get on with the recap.

The injuries just kept a-comin' on this week's episode of Survivor. Just when we thought Blake's upper-respiratory ailment (medically termed, Respitoritus Pussyitis) had disappeared, here comes Amy and her newly twisted ankle. Unlike the wheezing pretty boy from Nakum, however, this broad was tough as nails, and if we have any luck, we might be seeing the second coming of Twila. Oh, who am I kidding? There'll only ever be one Twila. I wonder what she and her sexy one-piece bathing suit are up to these days anyway. Okay, I'm getting sidetracked. Enough idle banter. Let's recap!

Well folks, B-Side is a little backed up these days. No, he is getting plenty of fiber - OK, I don't know if he is or not, but the regularity I am talking about is TVgasm posts. With The OC on hiatus, I thought I would give hizzoner a little bit of a break and tackle a little bit of Survivor. Back in the days when I was less busy toiling away in the seedy underground of the entertainment industry consisting of machine rooms, fibre channel, and endless expanses of Avid, ProTools, Logic and Final Cut equipment, I used to like writing about Survivor; they even let me write about The Amazing Race now and then. But it's clear that at this point I am not doing anything other than rambling a bunch of sentences so I'll have what is considered a substantial opener. I guess I have distracted everybody enough, so let's begin with a recap-type thing.