I like this new season of Survivor, but even the greatest Burnett apologist has to admit that this week's installment was a little on the bland side. I guess we can blame a coconut for that. One unfortunate slip by Jeff, and then it was only a matter of time before we saw his name scrawled on various pieces of parchment later in the episode. Now, I know that I just provided a little spoiler or whatever, but it's been four days. If you haven't seen the show yet, that's your problem, not mine.
The episode began with the gentle image of a crab scampering across the beach. Is there really any better way to start a Survivor episode? Maybe someday Mark Burnett can fulfill his life dream of filming an all crab version of Antigone. Anyway, after viewing the journey of a lone crab in the dark, we gazed upon Ulong who had just returned from their second Tribal Council in a row. "We cannot go back there," Stephenie insisted. And no, she wasn't referring to a bizarro world where "Stephenie" is spelled with an "a" instead of an "e". Kim and Jeff agreed. No need to go back to Tribal Council. Besides, Jeff Probst is a dick. Yes, according to Ulong's campfire discussion, Jeff Probst was a little too harsh on the erstwhile sensitive not-couple of the week, Kim and Jeff. As viewers may remember, Jeff Probst had grilled Jeff (the player, not himself — although that would have been cool) about his burgeoning relationship with Kim. Jeff NotProbst had replied vaguely, saying that he really likes having a warm body to snuggle with late at night. And by "snuggle", he clearly meant "bone".
But no! This week, Jeff and Kim informed us that they had no relationship whatsoever. None at all. Don't even get any ideas. According to Kim, Jeff Probst had been "con-JURing" the whole thing. Silly him. Their snuggling wasn't romantic, or "ROMAN-tic" as Kim might say. The two not-in-lovebirds bristled at the idea of being an item, noting how much they hated the couple image. And just to show how much they truly despised each other, Jeff and Kim went to sleep in each other's arms, nuzzling noses and stealing soft kisses. Yes, to all those people who saw them as a couple, for shame. You are nothing but dirty slanderers. Slanderers, I tell you!
Speaking of dysfunctional twosomes, the Koror tribe became the home of shrill friction as Caryn and Katie reached wits ends with each other. Caryn, talking to the camera as if it were her friend Judy from Pilates class, informed us that "Katie's a very, I don't know what the word is. It's not outspoken... it's TART!" Here's why we all should love Caryn. Yes, she has an annoying activist haircut, and yes, her voice makes Melissa Rivers sound like a silky chanteuse, but tell me who else can call someone "tart" with as much conviction? Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if that were her main line of defense in the courtroom. "Your Honor, the defendant is clearly being very tart right now. I move to dismiss." Motion is granted!
Anyway, Caryn's main beef with Katie was that the obstacle-course-challenged girl always had some little bossy comment to say about everything, and after six days, enough was enough. Caryn instigated a shouting match which resulted in her yelling "GET OFF ME!" Katie was not too pleased with the confrontation and insisted that whereas before there was no animosity, now there is. She then put on her Tart Cap and pouted.
At the Reward Challenge, Jeff Probst dangled the prize of a sewing kit in front of the Survivors. Please, for the love of god, let Angie win this one. The challenge was fairly interesting. Jeff Probst would pull on some Medieval looking crank that would release an inner tube from the depths of the sea. Then a member from each team would swim out and battle to bring it back to the tribe pontoon. First team with four inner tubes would win.
Ulong predictably dominated the challenge. I enjoyed watching Jen and Stephenie battle it out for a tube, if only to see the vicious tug of war devolve into a round of water-splashing worthy of late night Cinemax. Perhaps the biggest surprise of this entire shindig was Angie who aggressively dunked any and all competitors in sight with a violent shove that seemed to say "TASTE THE PITS!"
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Comments (13)
what you lacked in timelyness you made up for in cinematography
1 of 13 | Posted by madeyoulaugh | Posted on March 8, 2005 1:10 AM
indeed again, worth the wait. i too had visions of the 'panic on the 4th of july' scene from 'jaws' when caryn hit the deck--perhaps enhanced somewhat by the promo commercials for the upcoming 'spring break at shark beach' or whatever it's called starring the girl we'd least like to see naked from 'the OC.'
i assume the shock of hearing ibrahim speak was such that you overlooked bobby jon's rather homoerotic praise of fireman tom's stamina in the immunity challenge. 'he's a man's man,' bobby jon said, adding 'he's a man among men.' unfortunately, thanks to janet jackson and nipplegate, burnett had to leave out the next few lines, in which bobby jon explains why he thinks about tom when he goes to the bathroom (to which jeff replied, 'how do you go to the bathroom in that diaper-thingy?').
you also left out another chuckle-worthy moment: dolphin trainer, eagle scout, and all-around nice guy ian apologizing to his 'buddy' the banded sea snake while hacking off the cute little guy's neurotoxic head.
too bad for the infinitely more likable koror tribe that they have layed such an ass-whoopin' on ulong, as the lopsided numbers and disproportionate manhood quotients will almost certainly precipitate some sort of tribal swap-meet in the near future. if tom (this year's winner of the mike skupin award for reckless self-endangerment) and his equally capable/foolhardy acolytes gregg and ian get split up, their days of sharkfishing with crayons (hi-larious, b-side) may be numbered.
2 of 13 | Posted by jack | Posted on March 8, 2005 6:16 AM
The only thing that comes close to being as gross as Angie's string undies is Coby prancing around in his tighty-blackies.
3 of 13 | Posted by Liz | Posted on March 8, 2005 6:44 AM
"but none as dramatically as Coby who floated in the water as if he had just been baptized by the Pope himself. "
Coby has GOT to be the most overdramatic survivor EVAR. Seriously, he acted like he had been set on fire and then someone had cut his arms off after he dropped out of that challenge. Either Caryn or Coby are out first for Koror. Willard is more capable than either of them, and less grating.
Jack, it'll be a real shame if they do switch out tribe members in the near future, because I'd REALLY like to see Koror continue to rout the whiny, lazy Ulong until there's only one or two members left before the merge, leaving them to get Pagonged afterward by Koror.
Probst did say that this season will see a lot of things that happen in the game for the first time and I'm hoping Koror winning every immunity challenge before the merge is one of them. They're hinting that this might happen, since we're seeing so little of Koror at this point.
4 of 13 | Posted by Papercuts! | Posted on March 8, 2005 6:53 AM
Great recap as always but you left out my favorite part of the night. When hillbilly said that all Kim had going for her was "sessiality". Gotta love hillbillies.
5 of 13 | Posted by Betsy | Posted on March 8, 2005 7:01 AM
I agree with others who have identified Angie's undies as one of the more disturbing things on that island. Even more disturbing, however, is the fact that her team won the sewing kit and fabric, yet she has been seen wearing nothing but the undies AFTER having an alternative. It's almost enough to make me quit watching. But I will continue watching in the hope that she puts on some clothes and gets voted out.
6 of 13 | Posted by SusieQ | Posted on March 8, 2005 7:38 AM
As always...thanks so much for my morning chuckles. I'm going to have to start closing my office door to read these recaps - because stifling my laughter can't be healthy.
7 of 13 | Posted by CaliGirlinGA | Posted on March 8, 2005 7:58 AM
That video is the greatest.
8 of 13 | Posted by lod | Posted on March 8, 2005 9:14 AM
I agree, Iod, that was great. What is the Survivor equivalent for "the list is life"?
9 of 13 | Posted by Michael | Posted on March 8, 2005 11:33 AM
Your video is a masterpiece, B-side, and if that's what held up your equally fantastic recap, it was completely worth it!
I, unlike many others apparently, am not as bothered by Angie's teensy undies as I was last episode by Coby's shiny black man-hammock. I did feel bad for him at the immunity challenge, though, because he looked like he was close to heatstroke.
10 of 13 | Posted by Maura | Posted on March 8, 2005 12:01 PM
It's really amazing that I still love survivor...But I do. I have to agree Angie's sessiality is really bothering me in her little panties. Everyone knows the reason the black lady got voted out in the first episdoe is because she was wearing a thong. The Smoke sessions were costing too much...But my guess is angie's going to be cut soon...her nipple baring is gtting out of control...
11 of 13 | Posted by smithie | Posted on March 8, 2005 1:25 PM
Wow, this review was very much worth the wait. Not one but two references to Project Runway. (Ok, before you think I'm weird, I have to do a speech/paper on a new TV show for my Radio/TV/Film class and 'Project Runway' is obviously the one I chose.)
Now, onto Jeff. In his post show interview on cbs.com he said that he and Kim went to 2nd base so I think that means there was some groping on Survivor Island that never got shown on TV.
Also, I'm with everyone else who thinks Angie really needs some new clothes. Bobby Jon should give his man-made diaper to Angie instead.
Now is the time when I was going to complain about how unlucky I am that my favorite only lasted 3 episodes but I won't. Instead I will say that I predict Angie will be making it to the end in her much too revealing panties and bra.
12 of 13 | Posted by Lisa | Posted on March 8, 2005 2:58 PM
Thanks for reminding me of that "sessiality" comment Betsy.
And I would prefer that the hillbilly get some new diapers ahead of Angie getting new undies.
Great video!
13 of 13 | Posted by Genevieve | Posted on March 11, 2005 10:55 AM