Tonight, on Survivor: Things shape up to get nasty, but then: Joe happens. He is, like, a black belt in being boring. There are episodes of Masterpiece Theatre that are more interesting than Joe. I have seen documentaries about whittling that are more interesting than Joe.
Jalapao on night 18. Taj laments that they've had to vote out so many people. "We're just 'Jala' now, we done lost 'pao'," she jokes. Stephen points out that if the merge comes soon, they're down four to six, which does not bode well for them. Also: they have to live with Coach.
After the credits, the editors get to have some fun: while Coach does his yoga out in the water, they cue up 'O Fortuna' and throw in fake lightning strikes. Revel in his masculinity, people! He is powerful, like some sort of ancient warrior. It's just like that movie 300, except it is somehow gayer, which had previously thought was a logical impossibility.
Brendan watches from camp with his WTF face on. "He's meditating," Debra volunteers. "I've been about the team this whole time," Coach says, actually believing himself, "but the little annoying things I've had to keep bottled in. I just wanted to spend ten minutes getting refocused, and then everything clicked." He comes back to camp and starts giving everyone massages, which they all seem to enjoy quite a bit. What this tells me, however, is that Coach is that creepy guy who hits on you at the bar by giving you involuntary massages, all touchy and gross like he's watched one too many episodes of The Pickup Artist. There's always one guy like that anywhere you go, isn't there? He's always giving people massages and doing magic tricks with his complete inability to read a room. No, that girl does not want to see you pull a quarter out from behind her ear, dick. Just ask her what her name is, it's not that hard.
Erinn does mock Coach's meditation, but is completely cool with it if it keeps him from being the giant asshole that we've all come to know and love. "If that's what turned you into mister nice guy, I will take you down there, hold your hand, and push you out into the water every morning, because I like new Coach." Yeah well, people like Crystal Pepsi for about a week after it came out too, and we all know how that turned out.
Brendan giggles while Coach wanders around camp smiling broadly. "You're like a completely different person now," he notes. Brendan tells us that his relationship with Coach has always been good, but that he is most definitely a complete douche nozzle. "He was telling me that he 'kinda started the samurai thing', and I was like 'What? They've been doing it over there for thousands of years, and Johnny Depp's been doing it here for twenty, so I'm not sure what you're talking about." I love that the editors continue to reward us with little Coach anec-douches every once in a while from random people, because they do not have enough time in an hour to actually show the sundry ways in which Coach has wowed them with his ego.
After a short scene in which we see that Joe's leg has swollen to the size of a small woodland creature, we're back at Timbira, where they've received another clue. After Brendan gives Coach the string from the clue to use as a hair tie, they read the clue, which seems to indicate that there will be another reward challenge with a feast reward instead of a merge. When the same clue is read at Jalapa, Taj makes a variety of frustrated faces, because she seems to really want a merge. Shouldn't the members of Jalapao actually want another tribal contest, so that they can have the opportunity to eliminate some of Timbira's lead? I know that Taj is thinking she'll be joining forces with Brendan and Sierra, but it still makes sense for them to hope that the merge is delayed. "Man, I was hoping for a feast. I get excited when I hear anything that starts with an F..." Taj says, laughing because she has just gotten away with being dirty on national television.
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Comments (27)
The thought of anything 'F' with Taj makes me want to 'P'.
I thought Coach was saying 'lawyer' at first, then I thought he was saying 'worrier'. Finally, I understood that he was in fact saying 'wuhyer' and I felt much better.
Something more interesting than Joe (at least, within the Survivor Tocantins universe):
The true meaning of Coach's tattoos.
1 of 27 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 12, 2009 11:15 PM
More interesting than Joe?
Tyson's sexual history?
Watching the paint dry on the new "Forza" sign?
The financial statements of Brendan's latest corporation?
The contents of Deb's brain?
Jeff Probst's life philosophy?
2 of 27 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on April 13, 2009 12:29 AM
Oooo, one more:
The color beige?
3 of 27 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on April 13, 2009 12:30 AM
Does that mean Taj likes "farting" and the "Fonz"? Just wondering.
Coach kept saying how smart he was, but it seemed to me that other people were coming up with the good ideas.
4 of 27 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on April 13, 2009 12:33 AM
More interesting than Joe? SWV's many contributions to society?
Congrats, Schoonie on your milestone. Thanks for the laughs, and for your suffering!
I hate Coach.
5 of 27 | Posted by briar | Posted on April 13, 2009 3:19 AM
Things more interesting than Joe:
A South Korean sweet potato salesman
A jelly jar half full of Canadian change
Angela Lansbury's stamp collection
A dead tadpole on the bank of a stream in Arkansas
A rubix cube with 4 missing stickers
What do I win?
6 of 27 | Posted by behbojo | Posted on April 13, 2009 6:03 AM
I kept wondering during the challenge why Tyson removed his shoes and no one else did that I saw. Of course he's going to win the challenge because his toes gripped the pole better than shoes can. Did Probst ask if anyone else wanted to remove their shoes before they started?
7 of 27 | Posted by LisaMay | Posted on April 13, 2009 6:39 AM
Didn't they say the cast was going to be more likable this season? I would like to drown everyone of these morons in the Amazon.
Forza is Italian for "strength." Coach probably got it from watching the Italian soccer team play -- their motto is "Forza Azzurri." "Força" is the Portuguese word for strength. Not that Coach would care that Italian and Portuguese are different languages. Or from different countries. Of course, he probably invented Portuguese and Portugal has been spelling their word wrong all these many years because Coach is never wrong. Wanker.
I kept hoping for one of those little candiru fishes that swim up men's urine streams into their penises would get him during one of his Samurai meditative moments. That would be classic! I pretty sure this is wrong of me to hope for, but this guy is a first class arsehole. He invented the Samurai thing? Where is the penis fish when you need it?
8 of 27 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on April 13, 2009 6:57 AM
More interesting than Joe?
Definitely the penis fish jennaboa just mentioned.
9 of 27 | Posted by southern_essence | Posted on April 13, 2009 7:05 AM
Penis fish is more interesting than Coach, too. :)
More interesting than Joe: Watching grass grow. In the Sahara.
10 of 27 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on April 13, 2009 7:29 AM
This is about as interesting as Joe, but here it goes: the actual Portuegese word for "will to overcome" is dingus (pronounced din-goose,) not "vignus." And it would have been funny to hear Jeff mispronounce it at challenges just to make fun of them.
I am now also rooting for the candiru fish...maybe we should make T-shirts.
11 of 27 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on April 13, 2009 7:50 AM
Also, is it me, or are Tyson's legs unusually short? (see the "trade pants" picture.)
12 of 27 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on April 13, 2009 7:55 AM
Schoonie -
I have to join the chorus for "penis fish" as more interesting than Joe!
And congradulations on 100 recaps.
I have to add one more Coach=douche moment. After JT and Tyson (Schoonie - in the recap, you had the conversation between JT and Brendan) talked about Brendan's potential use of the idol, it was JT who came up with the "split the vote" scenario.
After Tyson told Coach about it - suddenly it was Coach's "brilliant plan."
God, I hope the penis fish get him!
13 of 27 | Posted by channel dasher | Posted on April 13, 2009 8:45 AM
Congrats Schoonie!
More interesting than Joe: Watching Lisi fall.
14 of 27 | Posted by Clair | Posted on April 13, 2009 9:15 AM
More interesting than Joe: watching my cat shed.
15 of 27 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on April 13, 2009 10:19 AM
cattyfan: I don't think I have ever noticed Tyson's legs; I'm usually too busy counting his ribs. He seems to be incredibly ribby.
I would buy a Team Candiru tee-shirt. Força, candiru!
Also more interesting than Joe: Counting Tyson's ribs.
16 of 27 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on April 13, 2009 11:38 AM
In response to your question, “What has Brendan done?” The answer is nothing. Tyson and Coach are simply backstabbing, insecure bitches.
Brendan=dreamboat
Tyson=sideshow freak
Brendan’s butthole is, I’m sure, more attractive than Tyson’s face. Tyson is ugly. Oh, and if Tyson and Coach had big dicks they wouldn’t be so jealous of Brendan.
Regarding Joe, uh, he’s the male version of Sydney.
You know I like Coach being on the show because he always makes me laugh and I always feel superior.
17 of 27 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on April 13, 2009 11:46 AM
Mr Dangerous: I totally agree with you. Brendan is absolutely hot and I'm glad the previews showing him back with his secret alliance.
Tyson is unbelievably dangerous and these people better start thinking about what a challenger he is. It would make sense to get rid of him before Coach. Who in the jury would vote for Coach to win?
Debra needs to go too--way too under the radar and a personality that rivals Joe.
I say Taj or Brendan FTW.
18 of 27 | Posted by bluzgirl | Posted on April 13, 2009 12:01 PM
Nice recap
speaking of real world road rules challenge, is anyone recaping it? I've been looking for you guys to put up a recap
more interesting than Joe:(I have a mix of boring ones and actually not boring)
Sydney
watching sierra hit her face on the pole
Schoonie=way more interesting
waiting an hour and a half to load a 2 minute american idol performance...dang dial-up
re-watching the entire season just to count Sierra's wardrobe malfunctions with that tiny striped dress, if you can call it that...not that I have done this, but it would be very boring plus think of how much non-stop coach that would be
19 of 27 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on April 13, 2009 1:02 PM
More interesting than Joe: Watching Joe's own nut hair grow!
20 of 27 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on April 13, 2009 3:53 PM
more interesting than Joe? This recap and these comments (seriously, people: hilarious)
also more interesting than Joe:
- my use of punctuation
- the AIG congressional hearings
- Ace of Bass
- schoonie's dirty dishes
- school bus rodeos
- toe jam
Congrats on the big 100, schoonie! xoxo
21 of 27 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on April 13, 2009 9:01 PM
Congrats on hitting the century mark Schoonie.
More interesting than Joe: Joe's puss.
22 of 27 | Posted by JasonR | Posted on April 14, 2009 7:34 AM
That should have been "pus." If Joe actually had a puss that would make him interesting.
23 of 27 | Posted by JasonR | Posted on April 14, 2009 7:35 AM
Just a quick thought...since pretty much EVERYTHING in this world is more interesting than Joe, shouldn't the contest have been to find something LESS interesting than Joe?
That certainly narrows the field down considerably, doesn't it?
In which case, I resubmit the meaning behind Coach's tattoos idea.
The substance of which probably holds as much "truth" as the candiru fish myth. And the telling of which could be bottled and sold as a non-addictive sleep aid.
It would make much more sense that the fish would go after Coach's vagina, anyway. You just know he has one. Probably invented them.
24 of 27 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 14, 2009 8:46 AM
LOVED the editing at the beginning with the mega-dramatic music and lightning to Coach's regrouping his thoughts. Does he realize what a douche people think he is?
I totally agree with your head of the dragon comments. He's soooo full of shit! And, Tyson. He is one nasty dude. He's the cancer in the tribe if anyone is. Getting rid of his ass would be the ultimate blindside!!
Speaking of Coach's tats...did anyone see Propst's recap on the EW site? He says they look too crisp and new and speculates whether Coach had them done specifically for the show. Leave it to that douche!
25 of 27 | Posted by 2muchbravo | Posted on April 14, 2009 9:27 AM
Hey Schoon, congrats on the 100th!!!! That makes you old school here, eh!
Had to comment, I'm not really watching, and it's a bit hard to follow, so I don't want to bore y'all with my lack of a clue, but I had to say, that penis fish thing, fucking funny, funny, funny!!!!! I can't stop snickering . . . go Jennaboa!!!!
Personally, I think Probst calling Coach a douche is more boring than Joe . . . and I don't even know Joe . . .
26 of 27 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on April 14, 2009 4:19 PM
I'm going to give this a shot. More interesting than Joe:
*Kanye West's "808s And Heartbreak"
*Meredith Vieria's Jokes Planted Into Option D On The $100 Question
*My trip to Disney World at Age 16
*"The Moment of Truth"
*"I Love Money"
*The first 5 episodes of "Pirate Master"
*The first 2 episodes of 50 Cent's reality show
*"Big Brother 9"
*Disney Channel
*Boy bands
*Def Leppard
*Poison
*"The Strangers"
*Vinyl Records
*VHS tapes
*Plane Trigonometry lectures
*Rascal Flatts
*Canada
*K-Fed
*"The Apprentice"
*ABC Family
*Power Rangers
*Emo bands
*MTV reality shows
*CNBC
*Waits in a doctor's office
27 of 27 | Posted by nerrawllehctim | Posted on April 15, 2009 9:08 PM